Posts Tagged ‘Elliott Cumber-Landy’

Unclear Why Bumpkins Coming Out of Hills in Groups

February 18, 2016 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny


It remains unclear this morning why large groups of bumpkins began coming out of the hills yesterday.

The bumpkins are currently assembled in open fields and derelict parking lots all over Eastern Lankville.

“We have received no specific demands or instructions from their leaders,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was monitoring the scene. “We’re not entirely sure if they even have leaders. Bumpkins are often not organized enough to receive instructions through any sort of chain of command.”

Nearly fifty bumpkins were seen in the rear of the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall in the Deep Lankville Basin Area.

“They assembled all through the day and were still there when I pulled out last night,” said Tammy Nails owner Tammy La Hoyt. “They were quiet and all. Didn’t ask for nothing.”

One of the bumpkin groups that filed into Eastern Lankville yesterday.

One of the bumpkin groups that filed into Eastern Lankville yesterday.

Some shopkeepers, citizens and animals were alarmed by the unannounced presence.

“I want them to leave,” said a housewife who refused to be identified and was nearly hysterical. “We’re locking our doors now. We’re locking our doors.”

Several attempts to speak with the bumpkins were fruitless.

“You kind of wade into one of the groups and the group just sort of slowly breaks apart like a piece of soggy bread or a prized magazine that you accidentally left out on your back porch in the rain,” said Lankville Daily News correspondent Brock Belvedere, Jr. “Then, when you give up and start walking away, the bumpkin group comes back together again and the little aimless puttering starts anew.”

Gee-Temple was unsure of what action would be taken today.

“I don’t think we’ll be indiscriminately firing guns at them,” the detective noted in a low, distant voice.

A press conference is expected later today.

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