I, Onanist: The Literary Feast of Brian Stig-Units
Buck Igloos
The Lankville literary world has been abuzz following the announcement yesterday that a new collection of famed Southern Edge Tips writer Brian Stig-Units will be released next Friday.
I, Onanist will be released in hardcover, paperback and in an electronic edition for Reckoner users.
Stig-Units (1875-1932) remains one of Lankville’s seminal writers of the “Restrained Decadence Movement” of the early 20th century. His seven novels and 26 plays won him endless accolades and he was named a “TITAN OF LITERATURE” shortly before his tragic beheading in 1932.
Brian Stig-Units, 1898
But I, Onanist promises a side of Stig-Units that Lankville has never seen before.
“He was a real onanist, big-time,” said Lankville State Easier University professor Dr. Bernard Varrone, Jr. “It embarrassed his family terribly. He personally suppressed this collection because his wife apparently cried a lot and this disturbed Stig-Units. He was terribly uncomfortable around crying.”
But with the death of Mary Stig-Units last year, I, Onanist can finally see the light of day.
“The collection clocks in at 379 pages,” noted Varrone, Jr., over a lunch of cold tilapia and some sort of orange, tubular snack food. “That’s over 60 separate stories about Stig-Units’ onanistic activities spanning his entire career. It’s an absolutely seminal collection, most important release of the year.”
Indeed, Varrone, Jr. himself spent six years editing the volume.
“When you get the chance to work closely with the words of a master, well, you don’t piss that away.”
Varrone, Jr. later apologized for his atrocious language.
I, Onanist by Brian Stig-Units
Release Date: November 6, 2015
Hardcover: $29.99, Paperback, $19.99, Reckoner Version, $14.99
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
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CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
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GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
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Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
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NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
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In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
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TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
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