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TODAY IN LANKVILLE

October 28, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Local Man Fired After Requesting Day Off

Prominent Lankville grocery chain Barlow Foods has come under scrutiny today after firing a man for requesting a day off.

John Barlow: Firing People?

John Barlow: Firing People?

Stan von Belinda, 39, of the Outer Lankville Marshes says he was terminated from his position as Assistant Bakery Table Adjuster after asking off for his daughter’s birthday.

“Just wanted to be with my girl,” said von Belinda, who was reportedly shocked by the dismissal. “But they had other plans.”

CEO John Barlow, reached at his Lankville Heights home, said that leave days are not part of “certain elements of the Barlow Foods Success Quotient.”

“We allow leave days for specific privileged people,” said Barlow. “However, von Belinda was not one of those persons. Those bakery tables must be adjusted.”

“I’ve seen other bakery table adjusters take off for all sorts of things. It seemed a little unfair,” said von Belinda. “I’ve been pretty accommodating with these folks, volunteering for extra days, doing all I can. Yeah, I’m a tad miffed.”

La Hoyt Takes to Social Media: “I ain’T nO Dead man [sic]”

Dick La Hoyt, whose obituary appeared yesterday, took to social media last night to refute the claim.

Dick La Hoyt: Not Dead?

Dick La Hoyt: Not Dead?

“I ain’T nO Dead man [sic],” La Hoyt wrote on Lankbook last night. Interviewed later by phone, the tire shredding plant employee and Lankville Daily News columnist said the obit is pure fabrication.

“It’s a bunch of horseshit. That writer [Otho Ump] made up all that god damn crap. Tammy never said nothing about me getting punched in the mouth at no Cabinet Rascal. Dick La Hoyt’s body ain’t going in no ground. Dick La Hoyt’s body is SPOKEN  FOR.”

LDN Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff has promised a full investigation.

“Obviously, the obits have had some factual errors of late. We’re looking into it,” he said.

Vice-President Sturdy Teddy Recovering

Newly-appointed Vice President of Lankville Sturdy Teddy is recovering after being shot in the face during his inauguration.

“It’s been a tough road for Sturdy Teddy, getting shot all these times,” said Personal Assistant Lubee Greene. “He’s about two-thirds of the way towards recovery. We’re looking forward to seeing what he can do.”

An assassin suddenly appeared from behind a curtain and shot Greene ten times at close range.

He is expected to recover.

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