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The Battle of the Bra Buffets

October 28, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Looks like there is a fierce war brewing between two local restaurateurs both using the cutting edge concept of the lunch bra buffet. It turns out there is a large, if somewhat silent, community of bra-wearing men in Deep Northern Suburban Lankville. With this area being known for its ‘hard workingman’ roots (mainly from all the factory jobs at the ‘Lankville O’s’ processing plants) there is a certain stigma associated with the ones who come out as ‘bra wearers’. To me, being of course of a more liberal, tender mind, I see no reason for this shame. These tough, rugged men are just like you and me- somewhat straight, God-fearing, Small Motel Girls Wrestling-watching lads who just happen to like the feel of a nice tender bra caressing their man boobs.

On one side of the fight you have my friend Eddie who happens to be the originator of this genius idea. You might remember him from previous ‘Schropp On Cuisine’ articles, one in particular in which I tell of his struggling restaurant and how the concept of the bra lunch buffet turned it around. It was to my shock upon a recent visit (his place was located at the ‘Double-Headed Moose Strip Mall’) that I saw how things were going downhill again. What had once seemed like a very upper middle class bra-wearing clientele was now more of a lower if not downright homeless crowd. These unkempt men showing off their unwashed torsos and secondhand bras were also making what was called a ‘hobo food bra’ in which the cup sizes were bigger so they could get more grub for the buck.

​My friend Eddie, the originator of the bra buffet.

​My friend Eddie, the originator of the bra buffet.

Eddie who was bringing out a huge tin foil tray of off-colored macaroni and cheese from the kitchens was not happy. “This is very bad Bri. Those hobos bras are eating into my profits. I have no other choice but to let these street men do it, the other cleaner clients are now gone.”

“Where did they go ?” I probed.

Eddie took me outside and pointed across the street. On the other side of the tracks (there are literally train tracks) is another strip mall which looks exactly like the one I was at…how I never noticed it before was beyond me. On the far right corner was a place called ‘Dan Ming’s All Day Lunch Buffet’ in glowing red neon. Under it was another smaller neon sign which read ‘Males Only’.

My bra-wearing friend shook his head. ‘Dan used to be a good friend of mine. Met him at a bra-wearers support group many years ago. Came to try my buffet and then stole the idea for his own. How could a fellow brother in a bra betray me like that?” His eyes welled up a little. “Say Bri, can you go over there and check it out? I have too much pride and I need to know what is making the more cleaner, well-off customers go over there.”

There was no reason to bring out the waterworks. I didn’t want to say it but I was actually excited about looking into another person’s concept of the bra buffet. If this place had cleaner bras and food that was not leftovers from the local food bank I might even try some. So I took my time crossing the tracks, I had forgotten that the newly reelected President Pondicherry had promised the area a ‘light rail’ if voted back in office. The problem was these trains were more like powerful steam engines than commuter trains. Plus they ran at a very frequent schedule jam packed with people– I wondered (aloud as it turned out) why it was suddenly so popular with only a quarter mile of track completed. It would take more time waiting for the trains than simply walking that distance.

Anyways, soon I was entering the establishment of ‘Dan Ming’s All Day Lunch Buffet’. What struck me at first was how clean the restaurant was compared to Eddie’s. Next the place was jammed pack with bra-wearing men. Government workers, academics, poets, philosophers, retail workers all sitting at tables enthralled in discussions while enjoying their food.

I was greeted warmly by the owner himself, Dan Ming. He knew who I was right away and was pleased to see me. “It’s a great honor to have a cuisine writer of your caliber join us. Please, let me take you over to a special booth where I will have a waiter bring over a sampling of what we offer.”

As he lead me further into the establishment, I saw he had three different buffet stations, one for hot food, one for cold, and a salad bar. All looked well-stocked and clean with plenty of lean bras at each. It was at this point I saw fellow Lankville reporter, Brock Belvedere sporting a pink lace bra at the salad bar. He seemed quite embarrassed that someone recognized him so I didn’t wave.

Dan Ming

Dan Ming

Dan sat across from me at a small table near the kitchen. A waiter came over with a glass of strawberry milk without me even asking! Mr. Ming had sure done his homework and knew how to impress! “I hope you are not mad at me, Bri” he said. “I am not trying to put your friend Eddie out of business. I just saw the potential in what he was doing and knew I could pull it off. Take a look around you Bri, the whole bra-wearing community is out enjoying themselves.” He paused for a second. “Would you like to–you know–”

Like I said earlier in this article I am a very liberal person but the idea of wearing a bra doesn’t usually float my boat. I mean, sure, we have all had those times when you might sneak a bra out on a nice peaceful afternoon while you’re alone in your basement apartment. But out in public? It definitely wasn’t my thing.

“As you can see, I don’t really have much of a bust so my bras are pretty small which gives the customer a smaller serving size. But with the quality of food I have been charging slightly more than Eddie, $12.95 to be exact. So far it seems to be working but I don’t know if I can keep them at that price no matter how good it is. If Eddie got his act together his bigger bra size alone could spell trouble for me.”

Dan looked down at the table, deep in thought.

“Why don’t you just buy bigger bras for the customers to use?” I asked.

Dan Ming shook his head. “The one thing Eddie and I agreed upon is if you are opening an honorable lunch bra buffet in these parts, no matter how good or bad, you must only use the bras that you yourself wear. It’s a sign of honor and respect. And if anybody dared try to, well let me just tell you, there are a lot of folks tied to the mob who come in here–“.

A waiter brought over a sampling in a frilly purple number which Dan said he used to wear when he had ‘more of a nightlife’. He was exactly right, the food was spot on just as the serving size was small. After a few more minutes of conversation I decided to head back to give Eddie my thoughts. As I was leaving, Brock discreetly came up to me and asked if I could keep quiet about seeing him at Dan Ming’s. Even though he recently deleted his social media profile he didn’t want me to write anything in my article. Well Brock, for the sake of the ‘great leap forward’ I have decided to put you in this article so maybe it will be the catalyst for you to come out (at least to your mom) on this subject.

I again carefully crossed the ‘light rail tracks’ back to Eddie’s. He was upset by what I had to tell him but I pleaded with him to get somewhat better food and maybe clean up a little and now and again and you might see some success. As if right on cue, one of Eddie’s dirty customers in a large teal granny bra came over holding his stomach, his face turning the color of the mac and cheese he just ate from his other makeshift hobo bra. The man opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out but vomit, off-colored mac and cheese vomit for at least two minutes. Yes, my readers, Eddie has a very uphill battle ahead of him.

Until next time, please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!!-Bri

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