Posts Tagged ‘Elliott Cumber-Lanny’

Theatrical Electronic Music Pouring Out of Local Pink Building

July 28, 2016 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny


Theatrical electronic music is pouring out of a Lankville Eastern Urban Area pink building sources are confirming.

The pink building

The pink building

“It’s very dramatic music,” said Al Cobbs, who operates a nearby auto garage. “Lot of very stirring but ominous synthesizer music punctuated by huge cymbal crashes. Got me thinking about the cosmos, I admit.”

It was unclear precisely where the music was coming from. The building houses a liquor store in the front and two apartments on both the first and second floors.

“I don’t know much about the tenants,” admitted Cobbs, who was utilizing a grease gun to lube a chassis as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “I think there’s one guy that has a dog. Maybe not, though.”

Calls placed to the liquor store went unanswered. Robotic flying cameras, launched into the open windows of each of the four apartments, came back with little data.

“I guess it’s a mystery,” noted Cobbs, who began examining the torque on a driveshaft as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “At least it’s an electrifying, expressive one.”


Thurston Judges Cheeseburger Competition

July 11, 2016 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny


Men’s feelings expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Dr. Kevin Thurston judged a cheeseburger competition on the Culinary Stage at a Lankville, First! rally in the Northern Outlands last night, sources are confirming.

“The cheeseburger is a beautiful expression of Lankvillian pride, along with the pizza,” said Thurston, who was spotted in the judges’ tent with some other men. “And while I am certainly all about culinary diversity and alternative feelings, I believe that it is appropriate to acknowledge one’s heritage upon occasion.”

Thurston tasted over 90 cheeseburgers before settling on Daniel Tartabull of the Northern Cleared Pack Area as the winner.

“Tartabull’s cheeseburger had the most feeling,” Thurston averred.

Dr. Kevin Thurston with another man.

Dr. Kevin Thurston with another man.

The rally was held in support of the Lankville, First! movement which has been gaining momentum in certain fringe areas.

“I’m unaware of the movement,” Thurston admitted when probed. “I’m here for the cheeseburgers and also to continue spreading my message of peace, tolerance and exceptionally good deals.”

Thurston paused to offer this writer a decorative bathroom ventilation fan.

“This fan is priced at $159.99 from most major retailers but Dr. Kevin Thurston is currently offering it for just $144.99, including shipping,” he stated.

Tartabull, a 34 year-old post offices employee, said he was pleased with the honor.

“I make a good burger. Everybody always says that,” he noted.

Dr. Thurston is currently in the middle of a 10-area “Summer Feelings Tour”, making stops along the way at small festivals and carnivals.

“Summer is a wonderful time for men to get in touch with their feelings, free themselves from uncomfortable clothing and just put on some shorts and a t-shirt and get their bodies out there,” he mused.

BREAKING: Balloons Tied to Mailbox to Indicate Party

June 20, 2016 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Some balloons have been tied to a mailbox to indicate a party, sources are confirming.

“Yes, we tied the balloons to our mailbox,” said Northern Forest Region resident Dale (female) Bonds. “We thought it might be a good way for our guests to know that, this, this is where the party is.”

The balloons were tied to the mailbox around 11:00 AM, Northern Region Time.

“There was some confusion on our part,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who passed by the balloons shortly thereafter. “The party was at 1:00 PM (Northern Region Time) but the balloons were out there two hours before. I drove by a few times and then I inquired at the house. That’s when I was told they were for a party.”

The lovely balloons.

The lovely balloons.

“It’s an interesting idea,” Gee-Temple added after a long silence.

The party was held to celebrate the birthday of Bonds’ 95-year old grandmother, Eunice.

“Grandmom had a great time and more people were able to find the party because of those balloons,” stated Bonds.

“I thought they were great,” said attendee and relative Del Bonds. “Until I saw those balloons, I was driving in an endless loop of confusion and increasing terror. It had been hours since I had eaten and I ended up in a derelict parking lot, scared, afraid, hungry, and cold. But then I looked up and I saw the balloons and I thought- why, they must signify something. And I knew that something had to be something celebratory, joyous even. After all, they were balloons on the mailbox. It would have been different if there was something scary tied to the mailbox like kaleidoscopic images of death or a detestable water lizard from another epoch. Thankfully, they were bright, strong, full balloons.”

Bonds says she plans to use the balloons again.

“We have a lot of parties and people really liked the balloons. Yes, I believe we will certainly use them again.”


October 28, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny


Local Man Fired After Requesting Day Off

Prominent Lankville grocery chain Barlow Foods has come under scrutiny today after firing a man for requesting a day off.

John Barlow: Firing People?

John Barlow: Firing People?

Stan von Belinda, 39, of the Outer Lankville Marshes says he was terminated from his position as Assistant Bakery Table Adjuster after asking off for his daughter’s birthday.

“Just wanted to be with my girl,” said von Belinda, who was reportedly shocked by the dismissal. “But they had other plans.”

CEO John Barlow, reached at his Lankville Heights home, said that leave days are not part of “certain elements of the Barlow Foods Success Quotient.”

“We allow leave days for specific privileged people,” said Barlow. “However, von Belinda was not one of those persons. Those bakery tables must be adjusted.”

“I’ve seen other bakery table adjusters take off for all sorts of things. It seemed a little unfair,” said von Belinda. “I’ve been pretty accommodating with these folks, volunteering for extra days, doing all I can. Yeah, I’m a tad miffed.”

La Hoyt Takes to Social Media: “I ain’T nO Dead man [sic]”

Dick La Hoyt, whose obituary appeared yesterday, took to social media last night to refute the claim.

Dick La Hoyt: Not Dead?

Dick La Hoyt: Not Dead?

“I ain’T nO Dead man [sic],” La Hoyt wrote on Lankbook last night. Interviewed later by phone, the tire shredding plant employee and Lankville Daily News columnist said the obit is pure fabrication.

“It’s a bunch of horseshit. That writer [Otho Ump] made up all that god damn crap. Tammy never said nothing about me getting punched in the mouth at no Cabinet Rascal. Dick La Hoyt’s body ain’t going in no ground. Dick La Hoyt’s body is SPOKEN  FOR.”

LDN Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff has promised a full investigation.

“Obviously, the obits have had some factual errors of late. We’re looking into it,” he said.

Vice-President Sturdy Teddy Recovering

Newly-appointed Vice President of Lankville Sturdy Teddy is recovering after being shot in the face during his inauguration.

“It’s been a tough road for Sturdy Teddy, getting shot all these times,” said Personal Assistant Lubee Greene. “He’s about two-thirds of the way towards recovery. We’re looking forward to seeing what he can do.”

An assassin suddenly appeared from behind a curtain and shot Greene ten times at close range.

He is expected to recover.

Cheese Falls on Royer

August 20, 2015 Leave a comment
Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Elliott Cumber-Lanny


Some nacho cheese fell on Lankville business magnate Ric Royer last night.

Royer’s condition is unknown.

“What we had here was a situation where some cheese fell on [Royer],” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive on the scene. “The How’s, What’s, Why’s, they are unknown to us at this time.”

Some crickets chirped loudly. It grew darker.

“There could be a time in the near-future when we will be able to update you further,” Gee-Temple added.

A curious beam of light briefly illuminated the detective’s darkened office, then vanished.

Can you give us an idea if the cheese was hot?

Royer with the cheese on his head.

Royer with the cheese on his head.

It was an aberrant, high-pitched voice– unknown, unseen. Its preternatural quality was clearly a monstrosity. And yet, it refused to come forth from whatever abominable realm from which it spoke.

“We do not know that. How could we?” Gee-Temple answered. But this was no longer his dominion. He possessed no earthly right to converse within this nightmarish dimension.

Someone stepped forward. He was a reporter, yes– we recognized him and, yet, we did not.

“Eons ago, unimaginable eons ago,” he began, “when only the waters existed. And from this foul, hateful slime there came a race of beings which dwelt in the sunken abysses of the oceans, inhuman creatures bound to the worship of inhuman Gods. When the great continent arose and the islands arose, then these revolting creatures sunk deeper into the lowest depths. They hate man, for they feel that man has usurped their kingdom. Their power will eventually embrace all the continent, all the islands. They will achieve their desire.”

“Who are you?” demanded Gee-Temple.

The reporter laughed. “I work for another paper. I’ll see you guys later.”

After he left, it grew darker. “I’m going to put a tail on that guy,” Gee-Temple said, after a long period had passed.

We set out into that darkness.

We have wandered all night.

Death Claims Cartoonist Werley; Author of “The Astonishing Sphere”

July 9, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny


Famed cartoonist Wayne Werley, creator of the long-running syndicated series “The Astonishing Sphere”, has died. Werley was 74.

The Lankville Savannah resident passed away outside on a patio after a long illness.

Werley was a political cartoonist with The Lankville Daily News from 1969-1974 before he began drawing the wildly successful “The Astonishing Sphere”.


A panel from Werley’s “The Astonishing Sphere”.

In a 2005 interview, the artist claimed his comic was inspired by a real-life incident.

“I was standing in line at a Pappy’s Chicken and this guy came in rolling this giant inflatable beach ball. He told everyone that it was “astonishing” and that it had special powers. Obviously, he was crazier than a pig in a peach orchard and I think they later put him in a cage but I thought to myself– what if there was a guy that ordered fast food and had an actual astonishing sphere? And that was how it all began.”

The comic, which ran until Werley retired in 2010, was made into four films, two television shows and a series of action figures.

The unnamed protagonist, who entered a fast food establishment with his sphere in over 2,000 4-panel comics, became a hero to many Lankvillians.


Wayne Werley: 1941-2015

“You were always holding your breath, wondering if he would reveal why the sphere was astonishing,” noted terrorist attack novelist and comic enthusiast Dean T. Pibbs. “When Werley was in his last year, you really were on edge– thinking this would be the day that the magic of the sphere would be disclosed. It never was– in the last comic the protagonist just ordered a soda again. That may be the genius of the comic.”

Werley is survived by his wife Gretchen of 48 years (rated about a 6 of 10 based on older photographs) and his three children.

Royer to Purchase “Burger Rex” Franchise

March 19, 2015 Leave a comment
Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Elliott Cumber-Lanny


Eccentric Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today he will purchase a Burger Rex franchise in Eastern Lankville. Royer has long been a patron and social media enthusiast of the chain and of the Eastern Lankville location in particular.

“It’s my favorite of the many Burger Rex franchises,” noted Royer at an early morning press conference which was held on a log raft in the middle of a lake. “They have paintings of heaven all over the walls and booths shaped like automobiles which create the illusion that you’re driving while you’re eating your food. The booths and the paintings of heaven come with the restaurant.”

Retro automobile booth. Note the man crying in the background.

Retro automobile booth. Note the man crying in the background.

Royer noted that he will make only a few alterations to his new endeavor.

“I’ll add some more paintings of heaven. Otherwise, the tableau is perfect.”

The executive played the hero at the restaurant in an incident in January when he repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.

“With the exception of some unwarranted sexual situations, [the restaurant] has exhibited model behavior since,” Royer averred. “I look forward to owning the restaurant and maybe, sometimes, living there.”

Royer will assume ownership on April 1.

REPORT: Hundreds Have Disappeared Into Local Snowbank

February 27, 2015 Leave a comment
Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Elliott Cumber-Lanny


It was just after dusk when Lankville Partial-Ice Regions resident Karl Chappas went out for a quick trip to the store. He never returned.

“He said he was going out for some cheese,” said Chappas’ wife Louise-Janet. “What kind of an asshole walks out at night for some cheese?”

In another section of the Partial-Ice Regions, barrel-maker Glenn Grapes left work early. “He wanted to get an early start on some barrels,” noted his son Glenn, Jr. “He was generally kind of a cocksucker that way.”

What happened to Chappas, Grapes and hundreds of other Lankvillians?

They are believed to have fallen victim to a local snowbank. A snowbank that takes everything and gives nothing in return. A snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.

The viciou

[The] snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.

“We’re working on trying to free the corpses,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who shuddered as he looked up at the monstrous snowbank, which is now estimated at over fifteen feet high. “This snowbank, however, is an icy sepulcher, a frosty mausoleum, a gelid grave.”

“I doubt we’ll be getting all these awful, stupid people out until Spring,” Gee-Temple added.

For now, the families will have to wait.

“I’d like some closure, sure,” noted Louise-Janet Chappas, who we interviewed while she crouched luridly on a pool table in a nearby bar. “Still, I’ve moved on. As I said before, Karl was always going out for cheese. Who the hell needs that in a partner?”

Does Chappas not feel sorry for the families of the other victims of this frigid tomb?

“There’s got to be a reason why somebody gets trapped in a fucking snowbank. Whether it’s pointless, idiotic cheese errands or getting a start on a barrel like that other asshole. I don’t even understand that- “getting an early start on a barrel”. I mean, what the Christ?”

“Pretty certain that’s going to be the m.o. on all these people,” Chappas added.

For now though, there are no answers. There are only questions. Questions that cannot penetrate the forbidding, bitter cold of the unspeakable snowbank.

Et tu snowbank?



Elliott Cumber-Lanny won a trophy for this report.

Rotating Restaurant Unveiled

January 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny


The visual wonders of The Gripping, a restaurant which rotates 360 degrees on a giant cast-concrete base, were revealed last night in the Lankville capital.

Architect Mike Squatch.

Architect Mike Squatch.

The restaurant, constructed of round glass nearly 500 feet in the air, was designed by noted architect Mike Squatch.

“At the push of a button, The Gripping allows for a panoramic view of the downtown area,” noted Squatch, who was the principal designer of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. “It is a spinning saucer which eliminates restaurant boredom and presents a series of technologically-controlled scenes.”

“I love it and so do a lot of my male friends,” Squatch added.

“It’s like a dream house except it’s a restaurant,” noted a patron who refused to be identified and later suffered a sudden mental collapse and had to be placed in a cage. “My ribs and candy plate were delicious too!”

The Gripping takes 48 minutes to revolve completely.

Some fucking fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.

Some fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.

“It’s designed to move somewhat slowly,” noted Squatch. “We experimented with having it move really fast but found that it upset people. Then, we had it move really slow, like once a month or so. That bored people. People were like- what the heck? Why should I climb all these steps and put up with that numinous menace on the 7th floor for this? So, I think we found a nice middle ground.”

Squatch admitted that the lack of elevators could pose future problems.

“We didn’t think about elevators. We were too busy getting the restaurant to revolve properly. Nevertheless, it’s a nice workout climbing up those 46 floors and I think people appreciate it.”

The Gripping is open for lunch, dinner and after-lunch. Dancing is available on the weekends.

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