The Lankville Daily News

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Theatrical electronic music is pouring out of a Lankville Eastern Urban Area pink building sources are confirming.

The pink building

“It’s very dramatic music,” said Al Cobbs, who operates a nearby auto garage. “Lot of very stirring but ominous synthesizer music punctuated by huge cymbal crashes. Got me thinking about the cosmos, I admit.”

It was unclear precisely where the music was coming from. The building houses a liquor store in the front and two apartments on both the first and second floors.

“I don’t know much about the tenants,” admitted Cobbs, who was utilizing a grease gun to lube a chassis as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “I think there’s one guy that has a dog. Maybe not, though.”

Calls placed to the liquor store went unanswered. Robotic flying cameras, launched into the open windows of each of the four apartments, came back with little data.

“I guess it’s a mystery,” noted Cobbs, who began examining the torque on a driveshaft as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “At least it’s an electrifying, expressive one.”

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Some balloons have been tied to a mailbox to indicate a party, sources are confirming.

“Yes, we tied the balloons to our mailbox,” said Northern Forest Region resident Dale (female) Bonds. “We thought it might be a good way for our guests to know that, this, this is where the party is.”

The balloons were tied to the mailbox around 11:00 AM, Northern Region Time.

“There was some confusion on our part,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who passed by the balloons shortly thereafter. “The party was at 1:00 PM (Northern Region Time) but the balloons were out there two hours before. I drove by a few times and then I inquired at the house. That’s when I was told they were for a party.”

The lovely balloons.

“It’s an interesting idea,” Gee-Temple added after a long silence.

The party was held to celebrate the birthday of Bonds’ 95-year old grandmother, Eunice.

“Grandmom had a great time and more people were able to find the party because of those balloons,” stated Bonds.

“I thought they were great,” said attendee and relative Del Bonds. “Until I saw those balloons, I was driving in an endless loop of confusion and increasing terror. It had been hours since I had eaten and I ended up in a derelict parking lot, scared, afraid, hungry, and cold. But then I looked up and I saw the balloons and I thought- why, they must signify something. And I knew that something had to be something celebratory, joyous even. After all, they were balloons on the mailbox. It would have been different if there was something scary tied to the mailbox like kaleidoscopic images of death or a detestable water lizard from another epoch. Thankfully, they were bright, strong, full balloons.”

Bonds says she plans to use the balloons again.

“We have a lot of parties and people really liked the balloons. Yes, I believe we will certainly use them again.”

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Local Man Fired After Requesting Day Off

Prominent Lankville grocery chain Barlow Foods has come under scrutiny today after firing a man for requesting a day off.

John Barlow: Firing People?

Stan von Belinda, 39, of the Outer Lankville Marshes says he was terminated from his position as Assistant Bakery Table Adjuster after asking off for his daughter’s birthday.

“Just wanted to be with my girl,” said von Belinda, who was reportedly shocked by the dismissal. “But they had other plans.”

CEO John Barlow, reached at his Lankville Heights home, said that leave days are not part of “certain elements of the Barlow Foods Success Quotient.”

“We allow leave days for specific privileged people,” said Barlow. “However, von Belinda was not one of those persons. Those bakery tables must be adjusted.”

“I’ve seen other bakery table adjusters take off for all sorts of things. It seemed a little unfair,” said von Belinda. “I’ve been pretty accommodating with these folks, volunteering for extra days, doing all I can. Yeah, I’m a tad miffed.”

La Hoyt Takes to Social Media: “I ain’T nO Dead man [sic]”

Dick La Hoyt, whose obituary appeared yesterday, took to social media last night to refute the claim.

Dick La Hoyt: Not Dead?

“I ain’T nO Dead man [sic],” La Hoyt wrote on Lankbook last night. Interviewed later by phone, the tire shredding plant employee and Lankville Daily News columnist said the obit is pure fabrication.

“It’s a bunch of horseshit. That writer [Otho Ump] made up all that god damn crap. Tammy never said nothing about me getting punched in the mouth at no Cabinet Rascal. Dick La Hoyt’s body ain’t going in no ground. Dick La Hoyt’s body is SPOKEN  FOR.”

LDN Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff has promised a full investigation.

“Obviously, the obits have had some factual errors of late. We’re looking into it,” he said.

Vice-President Sturdy Teddy Recovering

Newly-appointed Vice President of Lankville Sturdy Teddy is recovering after being shot in the face during his inauguration.

“It’s been a tough road for Sturdy Teddy, getting shot all these times,” said Personal Assistant Lubee Greene. “He’s about two-thirds of the way towards recovery. We’re looking forward to seeing what he can do.”

An assassin suddenly appeared from behind a curtain and shot Greene ten times at close range.

He is expected to recover.

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Famed cartoonist Wayne Werley, creator of the long-running syndicated series “The Astonishing Sphere”, has died. Werley was 74.

The Lankville Savannah resident passed away outside on a patio after a long illness.

Werley was a political cartoonist with The Lankville Daily News from 1969-1974 before he began drawing the wildly successful “The Astonishing Sphere”.

A panel from Werley’s “The Astonishing Sphere”.

In a 2005 interview, the artist claimed his comic was inspired by a real-life incident.

“I was standing in line at a Pappy’s Chicken and this guy came in rolling this giant inflatable beach ball. He told everyone that it was “astonishing” and that it had special powers. Obviously, he was crazier than a pig in a peach orchard and I think they later put him in a cage but I thought to myself– what if there was a guy that ordered fast food and had an actual astonishing sphere? And that was how it all began.”

The comic, which ran until Werley retired in 2010, was made into four films, two television shows and a series of action figures.

The unnamed protagonist, who entered a fast food establishment with his sphere in over 2,000 4-panel comics, became a hero to many Lankvillians.

Wayne Werley: 1941-2015

“You were always holding your breath, wondering if he would reveal why the sphere was astonishing,” noted terrorist attack novelist and comic enthusiast Dean T. Pibbs. “When Werley was in his last year, you really were on edge– thinking this would be the day that the magic of the sphere would be disclosed. It never was– in the last comic the protagonist just ordered a soda again. That may be the genius of the comic.”

Werley is survived by his wife Gretchen of 48 years (rated about a 6 of 10 based on older photographs) and his three children.