REPORT: Hundreds Have Disappeared Into Local Snowbank

Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > REPORT: Hundreds Have Disappeared Into Local Snowbank

REPORT: Hundreds Have Disappeared Into Local Snowbank

February 27, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

It was just after dusk when Lankville Partial-Ice Regions resident Karl Chappas went out for a quick trip to the store. He never returned.

“He said he was going out for some cheese,” said Chappas’ wife Louise-Janet. “What kind of an asshole walks out at night for some cheese?”

In another section of the Partial-Ice Regions, barrel-maker Glenn Grapes left work early. “He wanted to get an early start on some barrels,” noted his son Glenn, Jr. “He was generally kind of a cocksucker that way.”

What happened to Chappas, Grapes and hundreds of other Lankvillians?

They are believed to have fallen victim to a local snowbank. A snowbank that takes everything and gives nothing in return. A snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.

[The] snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.

“We’re working on trying to free the corpses,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who shuddered as he looked up at the monstrous snowbank, which is now estimated at over fifteen feet high. “This snowbank, however, is an icy sepulcher, a frosty mausoleum, a gelid grave.”

“I doubt we’ll be getting all these awful, stupid people out until Spring,” Gee-Temple added.

For now, the families will have to wait.

“I’d like some closure, sure,” noted Louise-Janet Chappas, who we interviewed while she crouched luridly on a pool table in a nearby bar. “Still, I’ve moved on. As I said before, Karl was always going out for cheese. Who the hell needs that in a partner?”

Does Chappas not feel sorry for the families of the other victims of this frigid tomb?

“There’s got to be a reason why somebody gets trapped in a fucking snowbank. Whether it’s pointless, idiotic cheese errands or getting a start on a barrel like that other asshole. I don’t even understand that- “getting an early start on a barrel”. I mean, what the Christ?”

“Pretty certain that’s going to be the m.o. on all these people,” Chappas added.

For now though, there are no answers. There are only questions. Questions that cannot penetrate the forbidding, bitter cold of the unspeakable snowbank.

Et tu snowbank?

Nothing.

Elliott Cumber-Lanny won a trophy for this report.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: Devon Fick, Elliott Cumber-Lanny, Lankville, Lankville Action News

Comments (0) Trackbacks (0) Leave a comment Trackback

No comments yet.

No trackbacks yet.

FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

Test yourself. Take "Lankville in Pieces" apart and see how long it takes you to get it together again. Puzzle pundits will enjoy this breathtaking, colorful 165-piece jigsaw puzzle of Lankville now being offered by The News. It comes assembled, has a plastic, lock-top storage bag, coupons and a portable "lifter" for use on restaurant tables. The puzzle sells for $20 in The News lobby or for $24 to cover postage and handling by electronic snappy mail. Send cash to: Lankville in Pieces, Kiosk 258, The Lankville Daily News, Lankville City, 02416.

TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

© 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News. All material written by Devon Fick unless otherwise indicated. With additional material by David Hadbawnik, Shane Meyer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

	Jade Gorman on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Samways and Fick: Identity…
	oversion on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Bath Times with My Father Gump…
	Life Lessons Funeral… on Son of Tibbs

The Lankville Daily News