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Rotating Restaurant Unveiled

January 14, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny


The visual wonders of The Gripping, a restaurant which rotates 360 degrees on a giant cast-concrete base, were revealed last night in the Lankville capital.

Architect Mike Squatch.

Architect Mike Squatch.

The restaurant, constructed of round glass nearly 500 feet in the air, was designed by noted architect Mike Squatch.

“At the push of a button, The Gripping allows for a panoramic view of the downtown area,” noted Squatch, who was the principal designer of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. “It is a spinning saucer which eliminates restaurant boredom and presents a series of technologically-controlled scenes.”

“I love it and so do a lot of my male friends,” Squatch added.

“It’s like a dream house except it’s a restaurant,” noted a patron who refused to be identified and later suffered a sudden mental collapse and had to be placed in a cage. “My ribs and candy plate were delicious too!”

The Gripping takes 48 minutes to revolve completely.

Some fucking fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.

Some fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.

“It’s designed to move somewhat slowly,” noted Squatch. “We experimented with having it move really fast but found that it upset people. Then, we had it move really slow, like once a month or so. That bored people. People were like- what the heck? Why should I climb all these steps and put up with that numinous menace on the 7th floor for this? So, I think we found a nice middle ground.”

Squatch admitted that the lack of elevators could pose future problems.

“We didn’t think about elevators. We were too busy getting the restaurant to revolve properly. Nevertheless, it’s a nice workout climbing up those 46 floors and I think people appreciate it.”

The Gripping is open for lunch, dinner and after-lunch. Dancing is available on the weekends.

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