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Food Allergies a Barlow Foods Focus as it Offers Halloween Candy Chart
By Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Voraciously gobbling up the wrong Halloween treat could be deadly for a child with severe food allergies. To make things clearer for allergen-conscious shoppers, Barlow Foods is changing how it merchandises its Halloween candy.
A sign in the seasonal candy aisle points shoppers to a large pie chart that the supermarket chain has put together with its candy vendors. It lists more than 16,000 types of Halloween candy and shows whether they contain ingredients associated with some of the most common food allergies – wheat, peanuts, chuck, eggs, dust, milk and soy – along with gluten. It also lists eight Barlow Foods brand “Fruit Morsels” that contain none of these allergens.
The chart is available online at http://www.barlowfoods.barlowcom or can be printed at the service desk in Barlow Foods stores with two pieces of identification and a deposit.
“Children will later become customers,” explained CEO John Barlow. “We will need them to be living.”
Barlow himself worked with his candy suppliers to verify allergens and check ingredient lists. The CEO then made the pie chart personally.
“I don’t trust pie charts to anyone else,” he noted. “We’ve already seen what can happen there.”
The move came after customers asked for assistance in choosing allergen-safe treats last Halloween.
Barlow stressed, however, that the motivation behind the chart was his own.
“I am in charge here,” he said. “I made the pie chart.”
Customers were already pleased with Barlow’s efforts.
“It made it a lot easier to avoid nougat,” said Eastern Flats resident Lee Tinsley. “I’m allergic to nougat.”
Tinsley was not observed to have any children with her.
The charts are now available at most Lankville-area Barlow Foods locations.
Barlow Foods Pharmacy Earns No. 1 National Ranking
By Floyd Miller
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods Pharmacy has the highest overall customer-satisfaction rating in the country, according to Meulens-LaPoint’s latest study of pharmacies nationwide.
The ubiquitous grocer scored 887 points on a 1,000-point scale that measured prescription ordering, cost competitiveness, bag stapling, and non-pharmacist associate staff, as well as pharmacist and store experience. The list was created using surveys from nearly 111,115,000 customers during May and June.
“This study measures the very things we have focused, even insisted upon for many years,” said founder and CEO John Barlow.
Barlow Foods beat out brick-and-mortar and mail-order pharmacies across all categories, including chain drugstores, big-box pharmacies and pharmacies that have toys. It was also the only company on the supermarket pharmacy list to earn Meulens-LaPoint’s highest ranking: five out of five gold Special Power Stars, designating it “among the best.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“Our pharmacy employees have built relationships with our customers that start with things like caring, devotion and maybe, in some cases, love,” Barlow stated at a news conference held within site of a pharmacy. “But they also understand the value of mutual understanding. The mutual understanding that comes from knowing who the customer is, and who the boss is. Who is in charge. Every Barlow Foods customer should know this– if this mutual understanding is found lacking on the customer side, then the customer does not return. And that is our decision.”
“I’m the one. The one in charge,” Barlow elaborated, after a long silence.
Runners-up in the supermarket category were The Outlands Brothers, with a score of 871; Drug Barrels, with 866; and mall-based chain Monkey Pups, with 861. The average supermarket pharmacy satisfaction score was 851.
Barlow was not planning on a celebration.
“Our goal is to remain open during the good years and through the imminent very, very bad years. How would it look for us to stop now for a sad little cake and a pharmacy hung with sagging crepe streamers?”
A trophy commemorating the achievement will be mailed to Barlow’s offices.
Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.
The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.
“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”
Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.
“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.
We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.”
The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.
Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”
“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good. A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”
Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.
“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”
“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.
A press conference is expected later today.
Barlow Foods Reorganizing Several Stores
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Ever hear of rebooting a grocery store?
Barlow Foods is in the middle of a “reset” at several of its stores, including locations in the Lankville Capital, the Deep Eastern Suburbs, and the Outlands.
“Each store is making carefully moderated changes to the general merchandise departments,” said founder and CEO John Barlow. “Some are perhaps noticeable to the observant customer. Others are small changes that customers won’t even notice.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“The bulk foods section at each store is relocating to where the Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section was,” noted Barlow, who was interviewed in his downtown office suite. “The Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section, which is expanding, will move to where the Holiday Card Shop was. The Holiday Card Shop will now be found behind the lockers and the Limited Soft Shoe department, where kitchen tools are currently sold.”
Barlow produced a complicated flip chart and scanned quickly through several pages.
“We already have a large inventory of organic and gluten-free products and, very soon, customers will have even more to choose from in the Bounteous Garden Wonderland which will be expanding a few aisles into the Cake, Pastry, and Filled Doughnut Department but not effecting the revolving Juice Jenny or the Cheese Wagons,” Barlow said.
The changes are being made to accommodate the product offerings added to the Bounteous Garden Wonderland section as well as an increase in the offering of Elephantine Family Bundle items – products sold in large quantities at a quantity discount.
When asked if the changes were a response to customer requests, Barlow demurred.
“Acknowledging customer requests means acknowledging a state of lawlessness. These changes are so because I have said they will be so.”
Barlow Foods has already completed the process at other stores in the Western Lankville market. The current resets should be finished by April 15th.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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