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Food Allergies a Barlow Foods Focus as it Offers Halloween Candy Chart

October 15, 2015 Leave a comment
By Larry "God" Peters

By Larry “God” Peters

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Voraciously gobbling up the wrong Halloween treat could be deadly for a child with severe food allergies. To make things clearer for allergen-conscious shoppers, Barlow Foods is changing how it merchandises its Halloween candy.

A sign in the seasonal candy aisle points shoppers to a large pie chart that the supermarket chain has put together with its candy vendors. It lists more than 16,000 types of Halloween candy and shows whether they contain ingredients associated with some of the most common food allergies – wheat, peanuts, chuck, eggs, dust, milk and soy – along with gluten. It also lists eight Barlow Foods brand “Fruit Morsels” that contain none of these allergens.

The chart is available online at http://www.barlowfoods.barlowcom or can be printed at the service desk in Barlow Foods stores with two pieces of identification and a deposit.Barlow Foods

“Children will later become customers,” explained CEO John Barlow. “We will need them to be living.”

Barlow himself worked with his candy suppliers to verify allergens and check ingredient lists. The CEO then made the pie chart personally.

“I don’t trust pie charts to anyone else,” he noted. “We’ve already seen what can happen there.”

The move came after customers asked for assistance in choosing allergen-safe treats last Halloween.

Barlow stressed, however, that the motivation behind the chart was his own.

“I am in charge here,” he said. “I made the pie chart.”

Customers were already pleased with Barlow’s efforts.

“It made it a lot easier to avoid nougat,” said Eastern Flats resident Lee Tinsley. “I’m allergic to nougat.”

Tinsley was not observed to have any children with her.

The charts are now available at most Lankville-area Barlow Foods locations.

Barlow Foods Pharmacy Earns No. 1 National Ranking

August 26, 2015 Leave a comment
By Floyd Miller

By Floyd Miller

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Barlow Foods Pharmacy has the highest overall customer-satisfaction rating in the country, according to Meulens-LaPoint’s latest study of pharmacies nationwide.

The ubiquitous grocer scored 887 points on a 1,000-point scale that measured prescription ordering, cost competitiveness, bag stapling, and non-pharmacist associate staff, as well as pharmacist and store experience. The list was created using surveys from nearly 111,115,000 customers during May and June.

“This study measures the very things we have focused, even insisted upon for many years,” said founder and CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods beat out brick-and-mortar and mail-order pharmacies across all categories, including chain drugstores, big-box pharmacies and pharmacies that have toys. It was also the only company on the supermarket pharmacy list to earn Meulens-LaPoint’s highest ranking: five out of five gold Special Power Stars, designating it “among the best.”

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

“Our pharmacy employees have built relationships with our customers that start with things like caring, devotion and maybe, in some cases, love,” Barlow stated at a news conference held within site of a pharmacy. “But they also understand the value of mutual understanding. The mutual understanding that comes from knowing who the customer is, and who the boss is. Who is in charge. Every Barlow Foods customer should know this– if this mutual understanding is found lacking on the customer side, then the customer does not return. And that is our decision.”

“I’m the one. The one in charge,” Barlow elaborated, after a long silence.

Runners-up in the supermarket category were The Outlands Brothers, with a score of 871; Drug Barrels, with 866; and mall-based chain Monkey Pups, with 861. The average supermarket pharmacy satisfaction score was 851.

Barlow was not planning on a celebration.

“Our goal is to remain open during the good years and through the imminent very, very bad years. How would it look for us to stop now for a sad little cake and a pharmacy hung with sagging crepe streamers?”

A trophy commemorating the achievement will be mailed to Barlow’s offices.

Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says

May 11, 2015 3 comments
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.

The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.

“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”

Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.

“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.

We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.” 

The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.

Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”

“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good.  A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”

Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.

“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”

“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.

A press conference is expected later today.

Barlow Foods Reorganizing Several Stores

March 24, 2015 Leave a comment
By Mrs. Larry Temple

By Mrs. Larry Temple

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Ever hear of rebooting a grocery store?

Barlow Foods is in the middle of a “reset” at several of its stores, including locations in the Lankville Capital, the Deep Eastern Suburbs, and the Outlands.

“Each store is making carefully moderated changes to the general merchandise departments,” said founder and CEO John Barlow. “Some are perhaps noticeable to the observant customer. Others are small changes that customers won’t even notice.”

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

“The bulk foods section at each store is relocating to where the Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section was,” noted Barlow, who was interviewed in his downtown office suite. “The Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section, which is expanding, will move to where the Holiday Card Shop was. The Holiday Card Shop will now be found behind the lockers and the Limited Soft Shoe department, where kitchen tools are currently sold.”

Barlow produced a complicated flip chart and scanned quickly through several pages.

“We already have a large inventory of organic and gluten-free products and, very soon, customers will have even more to choose from in the Bounteous Garden Wonderland which will be expanding a few aisles into the Cake, Pastry, and Filled Doughnut Department but not effecting the revolving Juice Jenny or the Cheese Wagons,” Barlow said.

The changes are being made to accommodate the product offerings added to the Bounteous Garden Wonderland section as well as an increase in the offering of Elephantine Family Bundle items – products sold in large quantities at a quantity discount.

When asked if the changes were a response to customer requests, Barlow demurred.

“Acknowledging customer requests means acknowledging a state of lawlessness. These changes are so because I have said they will be so.”

Barlow Foods has already completed the process at other stores in the Western Lankville market. The current resets should be finished by April 15th.

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