Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.
The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.
“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”
Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.
“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.
We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.”
The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.
Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”
“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good. A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”
Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.
“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”
“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.
A press conference is expected later today.
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The Lankville Daily News 
Everybody with half a damn brain knows that the Meulens-LaPoint Quotient Study renders data from predominantly black neighborhoods in negative numbers. Meulens was an early Bell Curve proponent, pantsed by radical multiculturalists on the dias at the 1998 Total Reputation Conference, so he’s been sniping and trying to get revenge ever since. And LaPoint, I went to summer camp with LaPoint when I was a kid, and he mates with farm animals said one of the older boys in our cabin who was always rubbing Vaseline into his hands. This study is shit, and Barlow’s store is a sham, he sells expired food out the back and I once got a cabbage there with broken glass in it and Barlow himself told me it was “a King cabbage, like those cakes you get at Mardi Gras.”
We’re honest, and we know the customers. In the deli, if you get the three piece, that can be three thighs or three legs. Everyone knows there’s only one bite of meat on a drumstick, for a man with a big mouth… But if you want three of that you can have it. We have canned goods. But many prefer ordering by the ounce in our reusable bean thermoses. And you don’t have to order 12 rolls of toilet paper to get it at a good price. Thanks for the fair review.
It’s wonderful to have a great reputation. However, you will die. What will you do then? Call us today. 5-2161.