Home > Opinions > OPINION: If You Haven’t Been to a Randy Pendleton’s, You Haven’t Eaten

OPINION: If You Haven’t Been to a Randy Pendleton’s, You Haven’t Eaten

By Randy Pendleton

By Randy Pendleton

Randy Pendleton is one of Lankville’s most famous celebrities.

In the last five years or so, you’ve probably noticed a change in the Lankville roadside landscape. You’ve probably seen the twinkling neon lights with my image and name at the top and the refulgent arrows with the words “HEATED POOL”, “RESTAURANT”, “ICE CREAM”, “STEAKS” and “COCKTAILS” below. You’ve probably taken note of the modernist “international style” architecture of my buildings– painted bright orange and brown to reflect “environmental themes” and the patented “Pendleton Acres” which offer ample parking for regular axle vehicles but also buses, trailers and boats. You’ve probably seen my ads in the paper describing our famous tendersweet fried clam plate with Outland Fried Potatoes, gloppy coleslaw and foreign sauces. Or our hamburger specials– the King Size, the Cheese Duke, the Onion Paladin and the Vegetarian Twilight Patty.

So, you’ve seen all we have to offer. The question is: why haven’t you been our guest? Because if you haven’t been to a Randy Pendleton’s, you just simply haven’t eaten.

Randy Pendleton's: What's Taking You So Long?

Randy Pendleton’s: What’s Taking You So Long?

Here’s what notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer had to say about Randy Pendleton’s:

Many afternoons– I’ve rented a room in the motor lodge, enjoyed intercourse with a prearranged sandy-haired lover, dressed in my “eating robe” and then walked over to the restaurant. I like that the menus have photographs. The photographs are deeply colorful– more colorful than in real life, as though they were painted by some unknowable deity. I order nothing but dessert.

A local mother noted:

My kids love Randy Pendleton’s. I like that the menus turn into spellbinding kaleidoscopes. Gives me and Stan [my boyfriend] a little break.

So, there you have it. Glowing reviews of our restaurant from Ric Royer and a divorced Mom.

But Randy Pendleton’s is so much more than just food. We offer modern, clean rooms at affordable prices, decorated in a Western Island style with privacy nature murals that shield your sleeping space from the kitchenette and patented “bathing arena” (where available). We offer fast and efficient room service direct from our restaurants. And every Randy Pendleton’s room has a teevee set (takes quarters). That’s my guarantee.

We have swimming pools, saunas, lounges and massage parlors. Selected Randy Pendleton’s offer small tree trimming classes taught by exotic foreign people!  We’ve even got live entertainment– trumpets, pianos, rock music for the younger set!  Yes, we’ve got it all!

But you won’t be able to experience what’s it like to be at a Randy Pendleton’s until you try. What’s taking you so long? Stop at a Randy Pendleton’s today.

The opinions of Randy Pendleton are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries although we do admit that we like it a lot.

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