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Gump Penetrates

September 18, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Gump Tibbs

Gump Tibbs

It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville business magnate and thesbian [sic] Ric Royer.

GT: So, you’re having a little pageant coming up?
RR: Have you ever had anything happen to you? I mean REALLY happen to you? Have you lost a wife? Have you ever wrecked someone in a brawl? Have you ever eaten so much that you go, “boy I’m so full”, and then you fall asleep? Well that’s what I’m all about. Not “little pageants”, as you say. So unless you want to sit here and slit open your heart to let me hear your flaws, your fears, your thoughts about intercourse and your history with jail, and so on, then I suggest you start referring to my upcoming project as “epic theatre”, not “little pageant”. Are we clear?

GT: What a delight! Do you think the world needs more epic theatre pageants? And why?
RR: We need more children in the world. Next question.

GT: Absolutely fantastic! Is the epic theatre pageant scary?
RR: Once I spent all night with a gun to my head. You know who was holding that gun. Let’s just say he’s in the room right now.

Royer was granted a

Ric Royer

GT: Are you accusing me –
RR: No, it was me. I wanted to scare myself, I wanted to piss myself so hard that I would never forget. Like a scar of piss. To this day I use that fear in my work. Even when I write soft and lighthearted scenes, I bring in the fear like a black hood to put over those scenes, and throw them in the trunk of horror, taking those delightful scenes on a harrowing ride. And then I exhale.

GT: What is theatre?
RR: It’s the big leagues of life. That’s how I like to think of it. If you’re just living, you know, banking or cooking or having intercourse or maybe you’re in jail, then those things are just what I call “Dimension 1 Reality”. It’s just being, and anyone can do that. Even the moribund or extremely wimpy among us can accomplish “being”. But only those who master the dramatic arts, those who can perform “being being”, or Dimensions 2-4, are in the big leagues of life. It’s much harder, hence the name “big leagues”.

GT: What are some of your favorite theatres?
RR: My favorite theatres are the Winston Buchanan (haunted), Downtown Actor’s Fancy, and Sensational Mons Island Arena (swallowed by earth). No more, no less.

GT: What an affair this has been! Is there an area behind the theatre where we can shoot some guns off?
RR: Very funny, Gump. You know what, you smell very strongly of hydrogen-peroxide. And I’ve wanted to end this interview since the first question, but I didn’t because I looked around and noticed there are no doors in this room. The only room I’ve ever been in that didn’t have a door was the outside. So I’m really not sure how I even got here. But I’d really like to leave.

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