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Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

September 20, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

I was pissed off my ass and hanging around outside the supermarket. They had posters up in the windows but when you took a closer look, there were giant mountains of styrofoam inside. That’s all it was– just a closed market full of styrofoam. Who knew what the hell to make of it?

There were a couple of bums sitting there with me. It was getting chillier.

One said, “Although she is flat-chested, you will find the curves of her luscious rump ample to satiate your desires.”

The other one thought about that. Then he said, “Thank you, Bill.”

I decided to get the hell out of there.

By the time I found a place, I was downright cold.

“Winter’s coming,” said the chinless specimen behind the counter at the Rancher Motel, some jagged modernist dive with a drive-in and a dark-looking coffee shop. He seemed real pleased with his observation.

“What’s it to you?” I asked. I tossed a twenty across the counter. He seemed hurt.

I lit a cigarette and stood there for a second before I realized I had burned the wrong end. I crushed it into the carpet and cursed.$_57

“Tell me about your little shitbox next door,” I said. “Can a guy get a cup of coffee and maybe a plate of eggs without running into a bunch of Lankville color?”

“Oh, yes!” For a round little sexless gnome, he was shoveling out the enthusiasm in spades. “The coffee shop got four stars in The Lankville Daily News!”

“Let me tell you something about that paper,” I said. “Bunch of sex perverts, lunatics, and guys that live with their mothers. I should know.”

I walked out. Don’t be an asshole Oakes. Why be an asshole? There ain’t no merit in it.

I couldn’t help it though. I sat down at the empty counter and lit another cigarette. Your nerves are shot, Oakes. 

I figured on something to eat helping. It took forever for a little blonde in a white uniform and paper hat to come out of the back. She had crazy eyes. Keep away, Oakes. Keep away.

“Gimme a plate of eggs, scrambled and a coffee, make it black. But bring a little dish of creams.”

She sauntered off but as she got to the kitchen door, she put some hips into it. It was some fair business.

 

I ate and the girl stood behind the counter, occasionally rubbing down some piece of kitchen equipment in a senseless manner. She’s crazier than all hell Oakes. Just batshit crazy.

“Room 121 is completely empty,” she said suddenly. “They’re renovating.”

I looked up. I didn’t know what to make of it.

“You ever sat entwined with another person in the middle of a stark empty room? An empty room in the darkness?”

“Look…I…”

“It’s like sleeping with death.”

I was plum out. I kept eating. Looking up at crazy eyes, looking down at my plate.

“Here’s your check, mister.” She dropped it face down on the counter and disappeared into the kitchen. There was no bill. Just the number “121” written in large, uneven ballpoint.

 

I showered and changed into a fresh shirt. It was dark now and the courtyard was quiet. I wandered down to 121. The door was pulled shut but not latched. I pushed it open.

The room was empty and smelled of paint. A ladder had been shoved into one corner. The naked windows let in a little moonlight.

Crazy eyes sat cross-legged in the middle of the room, straight on the floor. She had taken off the white uniform and had on a light fabric turquoise shirt– loose and informal. She had trimmed her hair short– it was ragged along the edges. There are an awful lot of signs here Oakes. 

I kissed her anyway. She locked her legs around my waist and pulled the shirt over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra.

“I have a husband,” she whispered. “He is a very tall auto mechanic who keeps to himself. Our bodies are not compatible. He is too big.”

I didn’t have any idea what to say. It was senseless, all of it. The floor was making my back ache.

“I’ve got a room…there’s a bed and everything. Why don’t we get out of here? They don’t even got the heat turned on.”

“No…no. This IS the room. It can be the only room.”

The night passed.

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