Archive
Inflamed by Stars and Blood Mourns the Death of Rudolfph Horner
Veteran actor Rudolfph Horner, perhaps most famous for his role as the “Blue Tiger Man” in the 1956 science fiction epic “Tigers in Ice Land” has died. The headliner fell forward into some soup at the 37th Annual Lankvillicon last Friday. He was 85.
Horner in the 1956 film “Tigers in Ice Land.” Horner is lifting the tiger.
The foreign-born Horner was a sci-fi idol after his Blue Tiger Man role and appeared in several sequels. He did not act after 1977 but appeared regularly on the convention circuit.
“He was a big man, a former wrestler,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz. “He wasn’t very talented at all but he was able to actually lift a tiger and this was viewed as spectacular. He will be missed.”
“I’m very sad to hear of the death of Rudolfph,” said Tigers in Ice Land co-star Maria Bureau-Sisters. “We had nice chemistry together on the set of that film and, of course, it was a big hit. Rudolfph and I had a brief affair and I found him to be a kind and gentle person with limited interests beyond lifting heavy animals.”
Horner had lived alone in a small rancher in the Lankville Hills. He is survived by his house.
THE UNHINGED: An Interview with Tom “Vapor” Rayford
An Inflamed by Stars and Blood Exclusive Interview
Most new Tom “Vapor” Rayford films are a cause for celebration in the horror community. And it is true to say that The Unhinged is a return to form for Rayford, after his 2007 horror/western flop The Dusty Hills Near the Edge of Nightmare and Some Other Hills. Inflamed by Stars and Blood had the opportunity to sit down with Rayford on the set of his newest film due for release late in 2014.
IN: What was the set of The Unhinged like?
TR: Extremely tense and uncomfortable. We all pretty much hated each other.
IN: I’m shocked. How did you manage to endure?
TR: Several times the film nearly fell apart. We had a terrible time with the slow canal boat. It just never did work right and it made everyone angry and hateful. I hate all of them, actually.
IN: What about Crystal T. Slago? For those fans that may not be aware, you guys are married.
TR: No, I pretty much hate her too. I hate this film.
IN: I…I’m not sure what else to ask.
TR: You could ask about my authentic Native Lankville Indian village that I constructed over there on that table. It’s made of wood shavings.
IN: I…
The interview completely collapsed and was ended prematurely.
THE LANKVILLE FAN-FICTION CLUB IS A MALEBOLGIAN SNAKEPIT
By Seamus Goldfarb
Sponsored by Inflamed by Stars and Blood: Lankville’s Premier Science Fiction and Horror Review
Intrigue rocks Lankville’s once esteemed fan-fiction community as its beloved President (the humble author of this article employing the rarely used 4th Person Totes Objective Perspective) Seamus Goldfarb was ousted in an emergency vote held during his double shift last night at the unicorn keychain kiosk at Twin Removed Pines Mall. What was his crime, gentle reader? It was merely pursuing his passion for the craft which had brought us all– the Lankville Fan-Fiction Writers Club– to the Pontiff’s Pizza on the corner of I-34 in the first place. A philistine amongst our number discovered within my extensive online body of work a large cache of BOT RANGERS, DECAMP! slash fiction and reported it to our ethics committee (Chad, Steve and Island Steve– j’accuse!) as some kind of “violation”. The real violation is allowing the inner life of the 1989 series Delta Squad: Harass characters to be left unexplored. While my own Fifty Shades of Harass was a genre exploding work it was not simply “Glorifed porn starring two guys in pantsuits rubbing all over each other” as one less than enlightened commenter on my blog put it. I will of course be appealing this decision at the next bi-monthly table read and Big Stuffed Pizza Brunch. My case is as strong as the narrative of my thirty seven chapter Richard and the Postman/Asteroid Belt Avengers cross-over but if the worst happens and rightful office is not restored I will soldier on. After all, there is another perfectly good Pontiff’s Pizza next to the shopping cart swamp by the old tire plant. Like a phoenix from the ashes, I will rise again as will a new and better Fan Fiction Club to service all of Lankville’s extended and meta canon needs. I’ll leave you with a fitting quote from my next opus which I will upload as soon I finish cleaning the keychain engraver at work tonight.
“Strike me down Dr. Richard and I shall only become more radical-er than you could ever imagine!” The Postman- “The Ultra Richard and the Postman Chronicles”
The opinions of Seamus Goldfarb are not necessarily those of the Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Mr. Daniel Madison (Northwestern Lankville suburban area) contributed to this article.
Choir Invisible Bags Science Fiction Author Eurice
An Inflamed by Stars and Blood Special Report
The choir invisible has bagged science fiction author Enos Eurice, sources are confirming. Eurice was 74.
“He was flickering out into the unseen,” said Eurice’s wife Pamela, who noted that the author died at dinner. “A dark curtain was passing over him. It was deep and impenetrable. A spectral heaviness passed over the table and into a future existence that only the lifeless can know and then his remains fell forward into some soup.”
Enos was a giant…
Enos Eurice, defunct.
Eurice was the author of A Horse Called R.O.B.O.T., Ninja Disks, Her Visual Binaries and several other popular novels.
“Enos was a giant,” noted Inflamed by Stars and Blood editor and novelist Dean T. Pibbs. “We all read him at first, of course, on the back of tire advertising circulars. Eventually, of course, he graduated to gaudy pamphlets. Then, ultimately, full-length novels. Then, back to gaudy pamphlets and, towards the end, tire advertising circulars again. It was a journey.”
Eurice’s career was not without controversy. He spent 1974-1981 on Death Row.
“I think it was said that he was a terrorist,” Pibbs noted. “The circumstances were a little unclear and it all worked out in the end.”
A small, restrained funeral will be held on Thursday at the Life Lessons Funeral Home in Eastern Lankville.
The 38th Annual Lankvillicon: Tickets on Sale Now!
Sponsored by Inflamed by Stars and Blood.
The 38th Annual Lankvillicon will run from July 28-August 1 at the Enhanced Leisure Inn in downtown Lankville. Tickets are now on sale.
“We’re looking forward to a fabulous event this year,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz, a smallish man wearing cut-off jeans. “As usual, we will have a panoply of great guests, events, contests, challenges and robots. It will be well-worth the $725 entrance fee.”
We pushed Quentz into a bush.
A LOOK AT A FEW OF THIS YEAR’S GUESTS
THE GEL KITE ALIENS— The enormously popular Gel Kite Aliens will make appearances on July 28th and 29th and be available for post-screening autograph sessions. “We’ll be showing two of their rare early films,” noted Quentz, who was able to climb out of the bush with some difficulty. “We’ll have Kite Expeditions which explains their origins and their initial reception upon visiting Earth and then Delta Squad: Harass which explains how they became one of Earth’s greatest weapons against other extraterrestrial beings. Two great films and we’ll be showing them in their original 170 mm format– a rare chance to see them as intended.” Quentz smiled slightly and an awkward period of silence ensued.
Then we pushed him into the bush again.
Saucers, 2020
RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN, SAUCERS 2020– The Lankville Prober recently called Richard and the Postman, Saucers 2020 a “work of unparalled genius.” Quentz agreed (after he got out of the bush again). “It’s been very popular in the [science fiction] community, certainly helped by the role-playing game of the same name. The game’s creator Jonny Shaa will be in attendance and he will host several showings of the film throughout the weekend and also the 2020 tournament in one of the smaller ballrooms. We’ve already had 150 gamers apply, so it should be a…”
We pushed Quentz into the bush quickly this time, before he could finish.
John Chubbucks
JOHN CHUBBUCKS “We’re delighted to have John for the first time,” said Quentz, after he had climbed out of the bush again and avoided several of our attempts to push him back in. “He’s the world’s foremost authority on collectible stickers, particularly in the science fiction and fantasy realms,” noted Quentz, who eyed us suspiciously. “John will be holding a seminar on how to collect stickers, grading methods, archival storage and peeling-prevention and he will be available to sign copies of his book and also personally assess and grade your own sticker collection.”
“John will be in attendance on the August 1st date and possibly earlier, depending on several of his current medical conditions,” added Quentz. A short silence ensued and then Quentz tried to run but we tackled him, dragged him back to the bush and threw him in.
For more information on the 38th Annual Lankvillicon or to buy tickets, call DOWNTOWN EAST 6288 or visit lankvillicon.org.
Inflamed by Stars and Blood Film Review: The Bags of Earth
An Inflamed by Stars and Blood and Lankville Daily News Exclusive
By Caramel Jameson
Special ISB Correspondent
Astro Chase Studios have announced the 2014 release of Howard Cartridge’s new film The Bags of Earth. Cartridge is no stranger to science fiction and horror fans having made a series of genre-bending films in the 1970’s and 1980’s. “No question, Asteroid Avoiders II: Going Back was probably my biggest hit,” noted the man himself. “We sold a lot of asteroid avoider toys, comics, bedsheets and paper towels. But with Bags, I’m looking for something a little more profound and meaningful.” Indeed, Cartridges was gracious enough to give us a short interview while wrapping up shooting of Bags.
One of the more frightening scenes from Cartridge’s new film “The Bags of Earth”.
CJ: Tell us about Bags.
HC: It’s an environmental disaster film. It’s SCARY.
CJ: How so?
HC: It’s really…really SCARY.
CJ: What is the film about? What was shooting this film like?
HC: Really…really…really…SCARY!
CJ: What are the bags?
HC: They are SCARY!
CJ: What do they do? Do they attack people? Do they take over the political and social structure of the world?
HC: No. They are just SCARY! SCARY! Look at them! Look at them!
CJ: Thanks.
| Year | Film |
| 1975 | Starblasters |
| 1978 | Asteroid Avoiders |
| 1983 | Asteroid Avoiders II: Going Back |
| 1989 | Lingus Nets: Alive! |
| 1990 | 400 Days After the Space Invasion |
| 1997 | Delivery Boys |
A Brief Cartridges Filmography
SPECIAL TV UPDATE…Horrible Mops!
A Lankville Daily News and Inflamed by Stars and Blood Exclusive
By Caramel Jameson
ISB Correspondent
The Lankville Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) will premier a new horror series tonight at 10PM.
Horrible Mops!, the brainchild of frightmaster Dean T. Pibbs stars Ken Barney as “Whitey”, a
Ken Barney lowers the mop.
mongoloid school janitor from the Hills. When Whitey discovers that Karen (played by Pares Jorgensen, in her debut) is in love with blonde badboy Trent (played by Ernie Whitt in his debut), he embarks on a savage series of mop murders throughout the school. Will Karen and Trent get away? Find out tonight at 10PM, 11PM mountains, 12PM deserts.
“I got the idea from the janitor at my school who was actually murdering a lot of people,” stated Pibbs, who is also known for his terrorist attack novels. “He wasn’t using mops though, he was just using guns. But I thought, what a great idea– mops! Horrible mops too. And Ken does a great job. A lot of people don’t know this but Ken is half-mongoloid and a little bit murderous himself so it wasn’t a great stretch. Also, I enjoyed being part of the filming and making some of the decisions in regards to filming the lockers. I knew that that was essential to the scariness of the picture, the feeling of being isolated with lockers.”
LBC has completed filming of 210 episodes of Horrible Mops! and is hoping to commission a second season.
Inflamed by Stars and Blood Mourns the Death of Rudolfph Horner
By Caramel Jameson
ISB Correspondent
Veteran actor Rudolfph Horner, perhaps most famous for his role as the “Blue Tiger Man” in the 1956 science fiction epic “Tigers in Ice Land” has died. The headliner fell forward into some soup at the 37th Annual Lankvillicon last Friday. He was 85.
Horner in the 1956 film “Tigers in Ice Land.” Horner is lifting the tiger.
The foreign-born Horner was a sci-fi idol after his Blue Tiger Man role and appeared in several sequels. He did not act after 1967 but appeared regularly on the convention circuit.
“He was a big man, a former wrestler,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz. “He wasn’t very talented at all but he was able to actually lift a tiger and this was viewed as spectacular. He will be missed.”
“I’m very sad to hear of the death of Rudolfph,” said Tigers in Ice Land co-star Maria Bureau-Sisters. “We had nice chemistry together on the set of that film and, of course, it was a big hit. Rudolfph and I had a brief affair and I found him to be a kind and gentle person with limited interests beyond lifting heavy animals.”
Horner had lived alone in a small rancher in the Lankville Hills. He is survived by his house.
SPECIAL TV UPDATE…..Inflamed by Stars and Blood
By Caramel Jameson
ISB Correspondent
The Lankville Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) will premier a fantastic new science fiction program on Sunday, March 4 that has been much anticipated. Penned by veteran space disaster novelist Brisk Frames, Asteroid Galaxy 3000 stars Lorne Concordance as Commander Bobby Shacks and the lovely Barbara Gotay as Lostatos the Venusian.
Concordance, who is lost in space, lands on a star of Venus in an attempt not only to refuel but also to straighten out his foam ball model of the universe (which has been bounced around a bit by the ride). He meets Lostatos who agrees to accompany him on a journey into the far unknowns. The sexual tension between Concordance and Lostatos is instantly palpable– thankfully, Lostatos has brought a furry little friend along– “Muffitts Four”, played by Little Jerry in his debut role.
Little Jerry as Muffitts Four.
It’s not all fun and games, however. In the first episode, the two space travelers come under attack by some deprogrammed aliens who have commandeered a fleet of space junk and are hell-bent on destroying anything in their path. Indeed, this they do– oddly, Concordance, Lostatos and Muffitts Four are destroyed in the first 20 minutes of the show by a series of heat-seeking space projectiles. “There seems to be little chance of them surviving,” notes TV critic George Forbidden. “They really get blown to hell and then the last 40 minutes of the show are just stills of different planets, asteroids, comets. There’s no narration or anything. Just the stills. Nobody is too sure what to make of it.”
Nevertheless, it should make for compelling television. Asteroid Galaxy 3000 will premier at 8 P.M., 9 P.M. mountains, 10 P.M. deserts. There is a non-color option broadcast for Hill People.
BALLOON PLANET: A Film Review
BALLOON PLANET
Directed by Ted Wilks Starring- Lesley Bagwell, Gene T. Rose, Robin Yount, Sixto Morrison, Little Jimmy Hurling
Released by Sterling Studios Rated- R
Reviewed by Reggie Quintz
Top astronaut-robot Shiana 13 (Lesley Bagwell) arrives alone on a mysterious planet in which everyone must be physically attached to a balloon. She meets Kenny (Gene T. Rose) and Gerard (Robin Yount) who are planning a vague revolution against the decree, handed down by the cruel planet dictator Hildepanns (Sixto Morrison). They enlist the help of cute schoolboy Kent (Little Jimmy Hurling in his debut role) but the revolution ultimately goes awry when Shiana 13 and Gerard fall in love and decide to adopt Kent. In the end, Shiana allows herself to be attached to a balloon so she might stay on the planet and purchase a suburban home.
POSTERS AVAILABLE AT “THE SUMMONING COMIC SHOPPE”. Super rare. $19.99, limit one. Maybe two, but send photo first. Call: LANKVILLE 2391
Lesley Bagwell is probably the best thing about this cinematic turd which stumbles along at a crawling pace before finally ending in a long scene in which the new couple sit down at the closing on their suburban home (this closing is filmed with complete realism and takes a rather tedious 50 minutes). You get to see a bit of bare ass here (in the movie, not during the house closing) which inserts some color into the otherwise lifeless story. Robin Yount is terrible in his film debut as Gerard.
Lesley Bagwell ponders her balloon attachment.
Sci-Fi Lacuna with Dean T. Pibbs
Today’s selection comes from Manly Bannisters (1975- ) of Eastern Lankville. Manly has published five absolutely irrelevant novels thus far but is perhaps best known for his short story “The Turgid Blood Red Sun” which first appeared in the magazine “Inflamed by Stars and Blood” in February 2004.
THE TURGID BLOOD RED SKY By Manly Bannisters
File Photo
It was not so much that I resented my assignment in Khan, the human settlement adjacent to the Yount Stronghold. It was that I had at least hoped for preferential treatment because of my handiness with the Tools of Space. After all, I did know an awful lot about the tools and also about the Lair of Yount. My own father had been one of them, had given his life in the search.
“There is an ancient saying,” I suddenly observed aloud. “It’s to the effect that he who serves also waits.”
“Why don’t you shut the hell up, Glenn?” said one of the Fire Monkeys. And yet, he crept to the orifice and stared out into Deep Space Night. He was anxious– anxious as a monkey gets.
“Who would have thought this?” I said, in desperation. “They always told us in class that we know nothing about Deep Space. Or very little. But this? This…HELL?”
“It’s only Hell if you view the passing spaceships as beacons of hopelessness,” said another Fire Monkey. He was one of the wiser Fire Monkeys. I liked him.
“But they are! They are beacons of hopelessness!” I began to cry. I thought of my wife on Earth. It was true, we never had coitus. But still. The loneliness here with these Fire Monkeys was becoming unendurable.”
“Go outside the Lair. Take in some of the various elements that make up this Transneptunian Planet,” said another Fire Monkey.
“You go with me,” I said. “You go first.” One became paranoid in the Yount Stronghold.
He stood up and approached the orifice. He was reticent, I could tell. And for good reason. For, as soon as he placed his foot into the dusty surface outside the Lair, he was immediately destroyed by a laser. It was abominable.
To finish reading “The Turgid Blood Red Sky”, send $9.99 and return envelope to Manly Bannisters, General Delivery, Lankville.
My Process: By Dean T. Pibbs, Author
By Dean T. Pibbs
Popular Writer of Terrorist Attack Novels
File Photo
People often say, “Dean– what is your writing process? How do you begin a new terrorist attack novel?”
By way of answering, I have to take them back almost sixty years.
The year was 1956. My Mom, who was drunk at the time, gave me fifty cents for some bread. “Go down to Gino’s,” she said. I recall she was wearing a periwinkle house dress.
Gino’s was our corner store that had an array of items– bread, soups, comic books, bolts. I recall vividly putting the bread on the counter and then Gino’s hairy arms (he never wore a shirt) pushing a magazine in my face and then past my face and onto the floor. “You might like that being that you’re one of those weirdo kids,” he said. I picked it up– it had a colorful painting depicting a spaceship being blown to smithereens by some robots. It was called Inflamed by Stars and Blood. First issue– a pivotal moment in my existence.
I’ve been reading ever since. And, inspired by so many of their great contributors (Donny Ehlo, Jutts Pangborn, Quincy Checkers, just to name a few), I began writing myself.
In 2004, I was honored to receive the “Rayford Award for Outstanding Achievement”. During my speech, which was given in a windowless ballroom in a hotel tucked between two hills, I thanked Inflamed by Stars and Blood and also Gino, who was crushed to death during a challenge in 1962. It was an emotional day.
I continue to write terrorist attack novels– a genre that seems to grow in popularity with each passing day. It gives me something to do while I sit in the car, the engine running, while my aging wife takes an interminable amount of time performing some mundane activity. It can be quite enervating (the waiting, I mean).
Thanks for reading,
Dean
Barlow Recalls Early Days as Magazine Writer
By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File photo
Oversions GM John Barlow today recalled his early days as a writer and film reviewer for the legendary Lankville science fiction and horror magazine Inflamed by Stars and Blood.
“Those were the halcyon days,” said the executive, who was interviewed in his spacious downtown office overlooking a strange field of carefully-placed but purposeless rocks and pebbles. “I was a great devotee of science fiction until I became driven by my goal of vast wealth at which point all interest in culture and humanity simply drifted away like a puddle in the sun.”
Barlow began sobbing lightly.
“I have no regrets, however,” he stated loudly, slamming his fist on his desk. “I own the Oversions after all.”
The GM was not part of the recent festivities honoring the famed magazine which published a print version from 1956 to 1988 and is now currently online only.
“I was invited but I tore up the card,” he said. “I’m not sure why I reacted so violently toward it, frankly. I was treated very well with ISB. They were good fellows.”
“LEAVE NOW!” Barlow suddenly exclaimed as the room grew eerily dark and almost preternatural.
Editor’s note: Inflamed by Stars and Blood can be viewed at:
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK