Archive
A Personal Message from M. Goberman: Special Agent
By M. Goberman: Special Agent
M. Goberman: Special Agent is an “independent contractor” who is currently in the employ of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. He lives in the Eastern Lankville hinterlands.
Two evenings ago, a small radio satellite receiver fell from the sky in Southern Lankville. Although the Lankville Bureau of Probes immediately cordoned off a four-mile square area where the satellite was believed to have landed, they were unable to locate the device.
The device is of no interest to the average Lankvillian, who would be hopeless in his attempts to decipher its complex code. Therefore, the Lankville government is offering a handsome reward for its timely return. The Lankville government did something else.
They hired M. Goberman: Special Agent.
A 9AM meeting was scheduled. I arrived at the Presidential palace six hours early. Nine security personnel were annihilated as I made my way to the Presidential bedroom. I squatted in the darkness and watched the old man sleep. He awoke with a start around five. I darted out of the shadows to face him.
“You know who I am?”
He screamed. “It can’t be…how did you get in here?”
“You know who I am?” I repeated. “There will be no 9AM meeting. Give me my instructions now.”
Eventually, a manilla envelope marked “TOP SECRET” was handed over.
Photo of the satellite receiver lost two nights ago.
“You have given me the power to handle this?” I asked the old man.
“Well…we may have some stipulations…”
I threw a chair across the room.
“It’s bad enough that you called me, old man.” I was losing patience. “Now, I ask one more time. You have given me the power to handle this?”
He nodded.
And so I say once again. If you have found this device, take it immediately to your nearest Bureau of Probes Field Office. The reward will buy you a handsome automobile, an island vacation, perhaps a new lounge suite. If you have found this device, you have 24 hours to do so. If you have found this device and you have elected NOT to hand it over, then let me tell you what will happen.
You will be tracked. You will be found. And you will be annihilated.
By M. Goberman: Special Agent.
Although I live in the distant Eastern hinterlands, I am a mere hour from any target in Lankville. How is this possible? you might ask. I cannot tell you. But know that it is real. Know that it will happen. If you doubt me, I invite you to take a good, hard look at the photograph that will accompany this article. Does that look like the face of a man who makes idle threats? Who “jokes around?” Who engages in “aimless mirth?” Consider that carefully.
God willing, all this will be settled without further incident and I will return to the Eastern Lankville hinterlands. If not, then Lankville should expect a visit.
A visit from M. Goberman.
Special agent.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
WATER SHOW The eighth Annual Eastern Hill District synchronized swim show will be put on by the Aquarius Center of the Earth Girls on Wednesday at 7 p.m. and Thursday at 
6:30 p.m. The public is welcome and a large, outrageous fee will be charged. Aquarius Center of the Earth Girls include (from left): Bobbie Witt, Ronette Hassey, Gail Ledyard, Robin Deer, Cindy Candelaria, Cathy Cone.
CHALLENGE-LOSS SUPPORT GROUP A support group for losers of challenges will meet on Thursday at 7 p.m. in the basement of the Greater Shapely Tabernacle. A light cake will be served. Bring your own folding chair. WEST 4526 may be contacted for more information.
DINNERS FOR THE ELDERLY Some dinners will be held for the elderly at the Depths War Memorial Cafeteria in the Lankville marshlands. Starting promptly at 5 p.m. MONDAY- beef stew, tossed salad, biscuits, cookies, crackers, peanuts, muffins, TUESDAY- Salad plate of beef slices, mayonnaise, tomato wedge, cookies, peanuts, muffins, hard candy, WEDNESDAY- Meatloaf, flabbed potatoes, fruit gelantin, cookies, peanuts, muffins, crackers, soups, THURSDAY- Baked fish in cheese sauces, biscuits, candies, cookies, muffins, small cakes, cigarettes, FRIDAY- Baked chicken and mashed potatoes, zucchini goblins, cookies, peanuts, crackers, butter, oranges.
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING Friday, 10:30 p.m. Mysterious Violet v. Cora “The Crusher” Brookens. High Mountain Motel, Route 26. Admission $25. SEATING LIMITED
FRATERNAL ORDER OF THE EAGLES GAME NIGHT Thursday, 7 p.m. Ping Pong, Lawn Darts, Lingus Nets, Paddle Hampers. Admission $5
You’ve Been Thinking About that Presentation Oar, Haven’t You?
By Floyd Tingley
You’ve been thinking about that presentation oar, haven’t you? A lot of people are like you. They read my article a few months ago and they said, “Hurrmpff! What do I want with one of them?” And then you thought about how good it would look in your basement, den, or boat. Am I right?
Well, fortunately, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we don’t hold no grudges. You want a presentation oar, you came to the right place. Right now, we’re even having a small sale. $195 a presentation oar. Now, before you go writing me and saying, “Hey Floyd– that’s the price you said last time”, let’s make something clear. The price went up. Went up to $215 but right now, just because I know you’ve been thinking about it, I’m going to lower it back to $195 just for you.
Comes with a little gold plaque. I’ll put anything you want on there. Put your name, someone else’s name, the name of your craft, whatever you want. Just no nonsense. No humor. I don’t stand for any of that.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only. Be sure to inquire soon– there’s gonna be a long waiting list at these prices.
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
Lankville Television Counselor for Friday
| (2) LVOV | (7) LDFF | (10) LCRE | |
| 6PM | The Clarity Hour with Myoist Hines | Johnny Samples helps people get their keys out of their cars. | LCRE’s Pastor Forum. Rev. Elliott Minster, Rev. Collingswood Tucker |
| 6:30 | “ | NEWS PRECIS | The 6:30 News with Linwood Probert |
| 7:00 | Would You Like to Win All These Wonderful Things? (GAME SHOW) | Restrained Bloopers | The Ric Royer Dance Connection (LIVE) |
| 7:30 | Zoo Chase (GAME SHOW) | Trupper James, M.D. | “ |
| 8:00 | The 8 O’Clock Movie: SIMMERING HEAT (1969) Starring Lin Boppitt, “The Best”, Raymond Toda | SPORTS: Small Motel Girl Wrestling (PRE-RECORDED) | Richard and the Postman |
| 8:30 | “ | “ | The Joffertons |
| 9:00 | “ | Funny Jokes (WARNING: VIOLENCE) | Family Matters (NEW!) |
| 9:30 | “ | A Probe with Shelley Reports: The Rise of Challenges in Lankville | Future Court |
| 10:00 | SPORTS: Lingus Nets Challenge (LIVE) | Fantasy Hill | ALL ANAL HOUR (restricted) |
The 38th Annual Lankvillicon: Tickets on Sale Now!
Sponsored by Inflamed by Stars and Blood.
The 38th Annual Lankvillicon will run from July 28-August 1 at the Enhanced Leisure Inn in downtown Lankville. Tickets are now on sale.
“We’re looking forward to a fabulous event this year,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz, a smallish man wearing cut-off jeans. “As usual, we will have a panoply of great guests, events, contests, challenges and robots. It will be well-worth the $725 entrance fee.”
We pushed Quentz into a bush.
A LOOK AT A FEW OF THIS YEAR’S GUESTS
THE GEL KITE ALIENS— The enormously popular Gel Kite Aliens will make appearances on July 28th and 29th and be available for post-screening autograph sessions. “We’ll be showing two of their rare early films,” noted Quentz, who was able to climb out of the bush with some difficulty. “We’ll have Kite Expeditions which explains their origins and their initial reception upon visiting Earth and then Delta Squad: Harass which explains how they became one of Earth’s greatest weapons against other extraterrestrial beings. Two great films and we’ll be showing them in their original 170 mm format– a rare chance to see them as intended.” Quentz smiled slightly and an awkward period of silence ensued.
Then we pushed him into the bush again.
Saucers, 2020
RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN, SAUCERS 2020– The Lankville Prober recently called Richard and the Postman, Saucers 2020 a “work of unparalled genius.” Quentz agreed (after he got out of the bush again). “It’s been very popular in the [science fiction] community, certainly helped by the role-playing game of the same name. The game’s creator Jonny Shaa will be in attendance and he will host several showings of the film throughout the weekend and also the 2020 tournament in one of the smaller ballrooms. We’ve already had 150 gamers apply, so it should be a…”
We pushed Quentz into the bush quickly this time, before he could finish.
John Chubbucks
JOHN CHUBBUCKS “We’re delighted to have John for the first time,” said Quentz, after he had climbed out of the bush again and avoided several of our attempts to push him back in. “He’s the world’s foremost authority on collectible stickers, particularly in the science fiction and fantasy realms,” noted Quentz, who eyed us suspiciously. “John will be holding a seminar on how to collect stickers, grading methods, archival storage and peeling-prevention and he will be available to sign copies of his book and also personally assess and grade your own sticker collection.”
“John will be in attendance on the August 1st date and possibly earlier, depending on several of his current medical conditions,” added Quentz. A short silence ensued and then Quentz tried to run but we tackled him, dragged him back to the bush and threw him in.
For more information on the 38th Annual Lankvillicon or to buy tickets, call DOWNTOWN EAST 6288 or visit lankvillicon.org.
Exercise Your Creative Powers with Beautiful Window Boxes!
By D.N. Yathers Special Plant Expert
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Feeling like maybe you haven’t done anything at all that’s the least bit creative? That you’re a complete piece of garbage? That you’re not sexually-compatible with attractive women? Why not exercise your creative powers then by creating some beautiful window boxes!
A hanging basket of pastel-colored impatiens with a whimsical birdhouse on top is always a great remedy but we’re not going to get into that today. Instead, I want you to pick up several window boxes from your local hardware outlet. They can be plastic but I recommend wood, preferably a nice cedar. It’s OK if it costs a lot– this if for YOU! Now, pile them high in your shopping cart (don’t worry about everyone staring at you), pay for them with a check and head home. You’re ready for your journey!
Lovely window boxes will make you feel creative and alive! (Opinion of the author and not necessarily of the Lankville Daily News)
First, we’re going to affix the cedar boxes to all of your downstairs windows. I generally use two reverse L-shaped brackets, a Braggett clamp and a small Chambers Company hand drill. Use a countersink Temple bit on the pilot hole and slam it in there. You can use a level if you’re really insistent on geometry.
Now, we’re ready for planting! An easy way to make an immediate splash is with a vigorous sweet potato vine. It has a sprawling, lawless shape and its chartreuse foliage really stands out against muted house colors! Shelley really liked the sweet potato vine. “It’s disorderly and uncontained, like me,” she said one time when we were just trying to eat some cakes at a restaurant. Just trying to eat some nice little fluffy hand cakes and she goes and makes a comment like that. The next day I ripped the potato vines straight out but we’re not going to do that today. We’re going to keep them in our lovely cedar window boxes and just wait for the compliments!
Next up, we’re going to consider some Mums. No one in the world is going to complain about a window box full of Mums. Variegated Lamium will compliment the Mums well particularly if you use a lot of dirt. Next, add some contrast. Supertunia Petunias with some Eastern Lankville Stadler Flowerets work well. Rust pansies are nice too against brick or that muted background we talked about earlier. Shelley liked rust pansies. One time, I was potting some rust pansies and she said, “you don’t do it hard and fast enough” and she grabbed my tools and pounded the pansies into that box as though the murderous demons of hell themselves were chasing her. When she added some thin, blonde, dancing geraniums into the mix, I knew exactly what that meant. Exactly.
Let’s move on to accessories! These are best for fall when you can clear out the death that now surrounds you and fill it with little hard corns, gourds, crabapples or tiny Tucker Island pumpkins! For spring and summer, however, I recommend an occasional laying of fine lace or perhaps a colorful bow atop your foliage. Keep it simple– adding too many accessories might give off the impression that you’re a bit of a hillbilly, so be careful!
Now you can sit back and enjoy! Shelley and I had a little patio where we would sit and stare at our window boxes for long periods. The patio is gone now but you can build one again. We’ll look into that next time.
Timely Salad Tips by Brenda Buford
The salad is a very important part of the meal. This fact is appreciated by more women each year. Furthermore, most of our husbands who used to scorn “rabbit food” now realize that the modern salad can be hearty, robust, and full of vitamins. The salad has come into its own.
A grave error made by most hostesses is the repeated serving of the same simple salad. Sliced tomatoes on crisp lettuce leaves makes a good salad but this dish should not appear with the same regularity as say, potatoes, lap cakes or breads. Salads should be varied as new fruits and vegetables come in season.
I noticed early on in my marriage to Glenn, for example, that he tended to be disappointed with the appearance of the simple salad more than once upon a week. Although he never said anything, later I would see him in the yard destroying a wicker clothes hamper (he is a wicker clothes hamper salesman). I learned then the importance of variety.
Right now, we have the Minger Pear and the Tokay Grape in season– both delicious salad fruits that should be used immediately if ripe. The Minger Pear is an extremely juicy fruit that adds zest and flavor to any salad– be careful though! The Minger Pear is known to elicit an explosion of hot, wet, juices upon its piercing. Have a towel at the ready to stop the sizzling, gushing, potent juices. The Tokay is a red grape from the outer Lankville regions– it is known for its dynamic, well-formed berries. I have heard it said that the berries are so hale that they often hang low in the orchards. Straggly bunches with damaged berries are obviously inferior.
With the right kind of stout, potent fruits now in hand, try the following recipe on your family or guests.
Floating Coronado Salad
2 tablespoons gelatin
1 can of lard
2 cups boiling water
1/2 cup sugar
2 lemons
1/2 cup Minger Pear, sliced
4 pairs of rugged, juicy, heavy berries
Mayonnaise
Figs
Now, let’s begin by soaking the gelatin in cold water and then suddenly adding the boiling hot water. This will help to agitate the compounds and also what makes this a “floating” salad. Now, bring the lard and the sugar over to the counter’s edge. Hold your bowl of water one foot beneath the counter and push the entire container of lard into the bowl. Obviously, the water will splash out, maybe get all over your apron and maybe even run down your leg but don’t worry– part of making a salad is not being afraid to get a little dirty! Now, remove the entire container of lard from the bowl and push out two paddles worth (if a paddle is not available, try improvising– I’ve used broken pieces of the destroyed wicker clothes hampers from my backyard!) Now, grab hold of those lovely juice-laden berries and let them fall from your hand slowly into the bowl. Follow this by cutting up the lemons. Now serve on lettuce and mayonnaise.
You will never regret the slight effort necessary to prepare these unusual and seasonable salads.
I Have Created a Members-Only Rare Sticker Database
By John Chubbucks Sticker Expert
I have created a members-only rare sticker database. It’s $39.99 a month to join.
What do you get for that money? Only the single greatest rare sticker database in the world that has ever and will ever be created.
I have classified all rare stickers according to a lettering system of my own creation followed by binary code. For example, the very rare 1975 Buntz Mallows’ Richard and the Postman set is known as PPHX-110001. Each individual sticker in the set (there are 12 known to exist) are thus identified as PPHX-110001-1, PPHX-110002 and so on and so forth. I only identify those stickers adhering to the MINT IN WRAPPER Chubbucks condition rating. Everything below that grade is crap.
Using this code, you will be able to find every rare sticker known to mankind as well as comprehensive data on the sticker’s production, release date, distribution details and a photo of front and back. You will find AT MINIMUM three paragraphs on the type of adhesive used. Exact measurements are included. There is no greater resource in the known world.
I have been working on this database (in addition to my numerous other projects) since 1989 so you can be sure I have exhausted all known, secondary resources. My bibliography is impeccable, beyond reproach.
You can pay by check by sending $39.99 each month to John Chubbucks, c/o Linda Chubbucks, 268 Spoons Road, Eastern Lankville or by PayBuddy at chubbucksstickergod.spummail.net. Make checks out to CASH.
You won’t be disappointed.
A Review of New Soft Toys for Girls
By Ida Rumpus
The summer soft toy season is upon us and Lankville-area retailers have seen an onslaught of new products. “We’ve been privy to a panoply of soft toys for girls arriving pretty much daily,” noted Dick Splace, owner of The Toy Recovery Bargain Center in Eastern Lankville. “Sometimes, the trucks just back right into our loading bay in a sort of haphazard manner and just drop all the toys unpacked in a sort of sudden confusing eruption; a sort of salvo of soft toys,” added Splace. “We have been very busy cleaning up these unregulated blasts of toy shots that just end up all over the parking lot and…in the grass…” Splace suddenly became very hysterical and had to be led away.
Let’s have a look now at some of this summer’s best offerings.
CUDDLY PLAYTHINGS
“The Panda Creep” by Cuddly Playthings
The Cuddly Playthings Company is based in Northern Lankville and operates a 265-acre factory and warehouse producing 750,000 items daily. “I’d say our best new offering is “The Panda Creep,” noted Founder and CEO Kevin Pans. “Have a look at the strange expression on his face. Might be friendly, might be sort of apathetic and then again, might be an absolute creep. Who knows? I don’t.” “The idea behind the Panda Creep is mystery,” noted its creator Jenny Wockenfuss. “You really can’t be sure what you’re getting. Each expression is exactly identical. I think it’s a good life lesson and parents seem to agree.” Indeed they do, as the Panda Creep has sold over 100,000 units in its first month alone. “Ours ended up being a creep,” said a local mother who asked to remain anonymous. “And then the second one we bought ended up being a creep too. But the third one has been a real sweetheart and my daughter loves him. It’s definitely her favorite toy of the year!”
SCHOENFELD HOUSE
The Large-Eyed Stuffed Owl by Schoenfeld House
The Schoenfeld House is one of Lankville’s oldest soft girl toy manufacturers, founded in 1897. “Our original office was old Mr. Schoenfeld’s house in Southern Lankville,” stated CEO Barry Barrasso, aged 45. “He made senseless wooden toys until 1899, then he switched over to soft and we’ve been riding that wave ever since.” The Schoenfeld House now exclusively produces and markets large-eyed soft owls. “Definitely a niche market but a good one,” Barrasso noted, after taking a short break to eat from a sopping, over-sauced container of ethnic food. “You won’t find another maker of large-eyed soft owls in Lankville or anywhere else for that matter,” added Barrasso, who pushed a packet of papers in our direction for reasons unclear.
Gino Orr is the large-eyed soft owl’s current designer. “I started out drawing owls on placemats which are a sort of laminated, rectangular flat object that you can place before you when you eat and which sort of absorbs a lot of the gobbing,” Orr informed. “I think that Mr. Barrass [sic] saw my drawings and liked them and we met at a motel and really hashed out the whole idea of a more modern design for the large-eyed owl– a design that would be more updated for the current century. So, that’s what you’re seeing today.”
The large-eyed soft owl has sold 45,000 units in May and June alone.
WORLDS OF ROYER
The “Fire Cat” by Worlds of Royer
Even oft-incarcerated Lankville business magnate and sports team owner Ric Royer has cast his lot in with the girls soft toy craze this season, creating the “Worlds of Royer” company, a subsidiary of his many other endeavors. Royer, who was interviewed in his shuttered mall retail space/home, outlined his headliner soft toy for the summer season.
“It’s called “The Fire Cat”.” Royer screamed and then paused to allow us to take everything in. “Look at it over there on my shelf. It has its head tilted in that loving, deliciously cute manner but it’s also capable of existing easily, even flourishing within the terrible subterranean confines of Hell.”
Royer displayed “The Fire Cat’s” accessories, sold separately.
“You can buy a little soft food dish, a water bowl or these gigantic soft fires that represent the hideous conflagrations of Hell.” Indeed, the plush fires come in sizes of five to ten feet. “They should be mammoth,” Royer added. “As vast and colossal as the raging flames of Hell. But my advisers mentioned that it would be difficult to sell twenty or thirty foot tall stuffed flames. So we made them more to scale.”
Royer, who suddenly became frightened of the stuffed flames and the Fire Cat, let roar an unstoppable scream and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
The “Fire Cat” has sold 22,000 units since late April.
With all these fantastic new soft girl toys for summer, we can only wait with baited breath for what Lankville’s toy concerns will be offering in the Fall.
Yeah, I’ll Make a Little Presentation Oar for You
By Floyd Tingley
Yeah, sure– you need a little presentation oar? I’m your man. I’ve been making little presentation oars for 25 years. Started out making ’em out of discarded table legs. Man, I used to have a whole basement full of discarded table legs– don’t ask me how. Seriously, don’t ask me how because I WILL NOT answer you.
Anyways, you can pick from a couple different styles. When I’m done, I’ll even put a little plaque on there. It’ll say, for example, “TO MILT, FROM FLOYD”. That’s just an example– man, I’ll put anything you want on there as long as you’re not making a mockery of things. I don’t have patience for that.
People, say, what am I gonna’ do with this little presentation oar once I receive it? Well, they’re perfect for your den, office, yacht club or basements. Creates that nautical look. The freedom of the open sea. Now, they’re presentation only– we need to understand that right away. You can’t actually use this oar. You won’t get anywhere if you try to use this oar, I’m telling you that right now. I got a little warning sticker on the side letting people know that they’ll die if they try to take a craft out with just this oar. No doubt in my mind.
I gave one to my son last Easter. He’s a professor out at the University. He’s got a whole den full of books. I said– “why don’t you just throw away some of the books on that shelf and then you can put the oar there for display purposes?” I told him I’d help him throw them away. I don’t think he ever did do it though– I saw the oar on a small hill in his backyard last time I was there. Who knows what these kids think these days? Sure don’t seem to have a sense about creating that nautical look– that freedom of the open sea. You won’t get me in some classroom, I’ll tell you that. You can’t learn to make little presentation oars in a classroom, that’s for sure.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only. I really don’t have time to mess around with someone who’s only half-hearted about little presentation oars. Besides, little presentation oars sell themselves. You don’t want on the list, fine, free up your spot in line.
They’re $195.
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
Win a Free Remote-Controlled Robot Contest!
It’s time again for The Lankville Daily News’ robot contest!
All you have to do to win this fabulous remote-controlled robot without guns (worth $77,000) is complete the official entry form at the bottom of this story. Tell us what you think the robot should be named and why it should be named that in 8 words or less! Then, mail your entry along with your name, address, age and type of car you own and where it’s normally parked to: LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS ROBOT CONTEST, 526 Yelling Street, Eastern Lankville, 2915. All entries must be postmarked by March 30, 2014. You may include your resume.
CONTEST RULES:
1. The contest is open to all residents of Lankville, the Outer Depths, the Desert Area and the Lankville Regional Islands.
2. Duplicate prizes (not robots) will be awarded in the event of a tie.
3. You may only enter ONCE. After that, your name will be permanently removed from our computers and we will no longer recognize you.
4. The scoring system is as follows:
-40% originality
-30% paper
-20% imagination
-10% restraint
————————CLIP WITH SCISSOR(S)——————————-
Name____________________________________________
Address________ Lankville_______ Zips__________
Age____ Health: Yes____ No______
The robot should be named___________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville Announced as Vibbs System Winner
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville has been announced as the winner of the Pondicherry Association News’ annual “Vibbs System” contest.
Sprayberry, 37, who is fat and timid, was interviewed briefly outside his semi-basement apartment.
“Generally, I have an interesting habit of entering most contests. Some things come across my desk and I’ll fill them out. So, the Vibbs System contest was one of those.”
When asked how he planned to celebrate, Sprayberry became thoughtful.
“I think I’ll probably notify a few friends via a camera to computer signal that I’ve been working on and then maybe order a pizza.”
When asked if he might be ordering two pizzas, Sprayberry looked at the floor and quietly responded in the affirmative.
When asked if he would be consuming both the pizzas without any assistance, Sprayberry merely nodded in agreement.
A press conference is expected later today.
The Vibbs System
ENTER NOW!
The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present “The Vibbs System”.
Available for a limited time, the System is the product of years of countless thought about exterior barriers, responsibility and broken cones. And it’s from the East! So you can rely on it.
Enter our contest now by completing the survey below. Our grand prize winner will experience The Vibbs System and some garbage will be thrown into his neighbor’s backyard (men only).
THE VIBBS SYSTEM
Name__________________________
Address_______________________
Telephone_____________________
Fax_______ Hill Voice________
Area__________________________
Send to: The Vibbs System Contest, 56 Grand Marro Avenue, Eastern Junction Lankville (river), 2611.
WIN A MECHANICAL DINOSAUR CONTEST!
It’s time again for the Pondicherry Association News’ semi-annual “Win a Mechanical Dinosaur Contest”. All you have to do is write your name, address, daytime phone number and include 10 sticker packets to: MECHANICAL DINOSAUR CONTEST (caps only), 537 Little Borough Parkway, Western Lankville, 2871. Sticker packets must be peeled. This fabulous mechanical dinosaur is sure to make you the envy of everyone on your block and could lead to new friends and possibly even some intercourse (heterosexual only). Think of it! You can have intercourse while watching the dinosaur move his head up and down. It’s been done before. Go for it!
Last year’s winner Dan Beery has this to say about his mechanical dinosaur:
“It gave me a new perspective on the outdoors.”
Deadline April 30. No hand-deliveries. Mechanical dinosaur partially soaked in flame retardant materials.
58 Dead After Announcement of Robot Contest Winner
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
58 people were killed early this afternoon following a Pondicherry Association News press conference to announce the winner of the recent “name the robot” contest. Information is still coming in.
“All we know right now is that an attack by a monster occurred after the winner was introduced,” stated Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “There is some speculation that the monster was a giant hill werewolf but we cannot confirm that at this time. The robot was devoured.”
Some observers were immediately skeptical of the story.
“They just don’t want to give that robot away,” said robot fan Steve Thinnes. “I think they thought better of it and decided to keep it for themselves.”
A press conference is expected later this afternoon.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK