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No Update on Wind-Blown Bumpkins: Schropp on Breakfast Sandwiches

October 30, 2014 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

No updates are reported on the bumpkins who were blown away by the wind last week.

No update on the bumpkins, Gee-Temple says.

No update on the bumpkins, Gee-Temple says.

“I’m not sure what you’re looking for Lloyd,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Getting blown away by the wind is an act of finality. There are no updates and there never will be any updates.”

Gee-Temple took a sip of coffee and admired the morning sunrise out of his office windows.

“They’re gone,” he added after some time had passed.

 

SCHROPP ON THE MOMENT THAT CHANGED HIS LIFE FOREVER

Breakfast sandwiches– yes, they are my life. Ever since that fateful June day long ago when one was placed before me– a starry-eyed lad in search of a dream, a reason to believe, FOUND, after taking that first bite. I still remember the crunch, the bite of bacon with egg and cheese in between that warm, tender biscuit. That moment everything became more real and unreal at once, like I was newborn again. The whiteness of the paper plate with the small grease stains left by the sandwich. The heat of that June morning warming back through the window. My Mom’s voice seeming a million miles away, asking me if I wanted milk or orange juice. Why? Why would I need further essence? I recall thinking as I stared at the strawberry toaster pastries left out for me in case I didn’t like the breakfast sandwich and knowing that I was leaving those pastries behind FOREVER.

"I was leaving those pastries behind forever".

Schropp knew he was leaving those pastries behind forever.

Oh yes, breakfast sandwiches are my life. But the time has come to expand my horizons. Not only for the greater good of Lankville but, I don’t know, maybe to GET OUT FROM BENEATH THE SHADOW OF THE THESE BUMPKINS? IS THIS EVEN A STORY GUYS!!?? THERE IS NO UPDATE ON THEM!! CUISINE NEED NOT BE PAIRED WITH A STORY ABOUT BUMPKINS! IT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. But…that’s ok. I’m calm now.

Anyway, I have decided to include other food passions of mine (buffets and anything fried) to my future articles. I believe these two food arenas will find similar zeal in many residents here and I would love to bring you my future thoughts and reviews– perhaps in, you know, a DEDICATED food column. My family (particularly the female members) have long remarked how I am a “sweet, sensitive man” and, in turn, I feel as if I have a “sweet, sensitive food palate” which I hope you can come to trust.

The Trinity by Brian Schropp (2013).

The Trinity by Brian Schropp (2013).

Please do not worry that this will lead to me writing less and less about breakfast sandwiches or people’s right to eat them anytime or anywhere. I have already addressed some fellow members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) and their concerns. And I would like to take this opportunity to announce an upcoming art show of mine (basement location yet undetermined) which will feature several paintings of breakfast sandwiches. One will be included with this article as a little “teaser”, shall we say.

Until my next article Lankville, keep your mind and mouth open to anything new that might come your way!

Happy Eating,
Bri

UPDATE: Bumpkin Revealed to Have Tail; Schropp Pacified

October 23, 2014 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

 

BUMPKIN HAD PREHENSILE TAIL?

In an update on a story reported earlier this week, one of the bumpkins who was recently carried off by the wind was revealed to have a fully developed prehensile tail, eyewitnesses are reporting.

The bumpkins still didn't have anything nice but one of them did have a tail.

The bumpkins still didn’t have anything nice but one of them did have a tail.

The tailed bumpkin- the youngest of the seven bumpkins carried off by the wind that attacked a local trailer park– was never before seen pantsless, so neighbors had never noticed the tail before. “He was smiling the whole time, poor lad,” said a neighbor who identified himself as “Amos”, who claimed that he watched helplessly as the bumpkins were carried off by the zephyr. “All the other bumpkins were whisked off, but this bumpkin, he had a tail and he was just giggling and giggling and…” Amos then began to giggle himself until he could no longer continue the interview and went back to kicking a nearby wheelbarrow.

Police had no further comment.

SCHROPP PACIFIED?

Noted breakfast sandwich aficionado Brian Schropp issued a statement apologizing for his recent outburst during an interview with Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Bias-Kirk.

“First of all, a sincere apology not only to the paper but to the readers as well. I have been under extreme pressure recently in matters which I will get to shortly. But whatever the reason may be, it still does not excuse my harsh outburst earlier this week. I have eaten humble cake [sic] recently and hope you will forgive me.

Now, onto matters at hand. I am proud to announce that I am in the final stages of putting together another art book of my watercolor paintings of breakfast sandwiches. This one will actually be professionally spiral-bound! Gone are the garbage-bag twist ties that posed such a problem with my first book! I feel that, with my art skills vastly improving, this current book will receive a much wider audience. I am also fooling around with the idea of doing a Don Jars biography. Mr. Jars is, of course, the man who helped shape the modern breakfast sandwich which in turn shaped modern Lankville. My initial thoughts were to do a combination children’s “pop-up/scratch and sniff” style book but found the subject matter too serious and, frankly, a bit too complex for kids or even young adults. Please wish me luck on these endeavors.

Is this Man Happy Now?

Is this Man Happy Now?

Trying to break into the world of publishing is stressful enough but there has been another factor, another source of great stress which I dare say has a deeper meaning not only to me but others of my kind. I have been campaigning hard to have a question put on this year’s election ballot. I have proposed that it become Lankville law that all major sporting events (Small Motel Girl Wrestling, Lingus Nets, Tennis) have a breakfast sandwich option on their food menus. I believe strongly that this is a civil rights issue. Why should I have to look around the filled stadia or the cramped small motel girl wrestling rooms whilst others enjoy hot dogs and cheesesteaks with such ease when the breakfast sandwich is simply NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

What people need to understand and realize is that a breakfast sandwich can be eaten at any time of the day. If you had one in the afternoon or in the evening, for example, you might not be so frightened of them. Your understanding would blossom. I believe with all my heart that I can help with that.

And media outlets like The Lankville Daily News can help spread the understanding too. Particularly, say, if they would run my heartfelt column FIRST before columns about bumpkins being carried off by the wind. Or, say, maybe…I don’t know…RUN MY COLUMN SEPARATELY? Am I really going to always follow bumpkins now, guys? Bumpkins and breakfast sandwiches share absolutely NOTHING IN COMMON.  WHY ARE WE PAIRING THESE ARTICLES?  But, never mind that. Peace and understanding. Breathe in and breathe out.

So now I ask, no I beg you, dear readers, while I am eating my humble cake [sic] that you please contact your local officials and help me get this on the ballot.

It’s time to take the great leap forward.

Ric Royer and Brian Schropp have contributed to these articles.

The Electronics Cranny: Transmission Measuring Sets!

October 21, 2014 Leave a comment
By Neil Cuppy

By Neil Cuppy

The recently-revised LCC (Lankville Communications Commission) regulations governing noise, distortion, funny squealing, and feedback in conjunction with recently-released affordable transmission measuring sets has proven a renaissance of sorts for the amateur radio enthusiast and professional alike. There are now over 10 sets available at most electronics stores and, for the mechanically-minded, a set may be crafted in a matter of days using parts obtained from various sources. Today, we are going to examine a set designed and constructed by members of the Electronics Cranny Board of Regents during a recent tent display at a pizza-themed amusement park in which, strangely, huge gooey pizzas were stressed more than amusement to the point of nigh-mania. Nevertheless, the Board of Regents was able to model our set for several onlookers and will now share the design and plans with readers of The Lankville Daily News.

Front panel (fig. 1)

Front panel (fig. 1)

For our transmission measuring set, the Board elected to utilize a “7-knob system” rather than six (see figure 1)– the reasons will be immediately apparent. Although a fixed sourced impedance of 600 tables is all that is required for terminating the audio test oscillator, an input selector switch allows the addition of another 50 or 100 tables for use in measuring lines, audio systems or lighting carnivals. The minimum attenuation presented at these impedance values is crucial: trade 5 db. for 600 tables at any point but never 10 db. for 250 (COMPLEX) llm. ever. Use a cord wrapped in thin muslin.

By now, you have constructed your calorimeter which should be adaptable as well as reliable. The calorimeter may be connected from one heating unit to another on your transmission set without introducing changes in calibration. Finally, it is possible to change the impedance load by first testing it with a calorimeter made from magnetic steel and then with one made from non-magnetic steel (because of the strange circumstances of our amusement park tent display and the obsessive demand of ownership to impress upon us their huge gooey unappetizing pizzas, our magnetic steel calorimeter was ultimately destroyed, so our final unit featured the non-magnetic steel version).

The completed transmission set.

The completed transmission set.

Our back panel is fashioned of regular 19″ aluminum stock. The unusually neat appearance was made possible by drilling all mounting holes from the backside of the panel and also by keeping the amusement park pizza people away from the rear of our device. The holes were then tapped to receive brass screws. Our particular size allowed for three good turns per screw but this may vary according to your preference.

The Board then fashioned a typical setup for broadcast audio utilizing several ordinary items found at electronics stores, hobby shops and dumps. We switched a correct amount of attenuation to each circuit, allowing for distribution and flow and added amplifiers (figuring for mismatch loss) at the final stage. Run a damp cloth over each amplifier for greater warmth of sound.

At the present time, our model is in use at Electronics Cranny Tower 1-C, located in the Southern Lankville Cane Forest under the general supervision of Fritz Tennis, Electronics Cranny contributor and Chief Engineer at LCAE, a station operating on 65 mzz and broadcasting principally light solo organ music and basketball games. “It’s operation more than justified the time spent on its construction,” noted Tennis, who was interviewed by phone, “as well as the ordeal that the Board suffered through in regards to having all those huge gooey pizzas shoved at us as well as into our machines. The set has held up beautifully.” The model is currently one of three utilized by Tennis at LCAE.

OPINION: I Can Still Get Through the Mural and Have Sex With a Lot of Guys

October 21, 2014 1 comment
By "An Arrival"

By “An Arrival”

For awhile, my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods prevented me from getting through the mural at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. Then, suddenly, one day it was open again.  I just walked through and once again it became my point of entry to earth.

At first, I went through only occasionally– when Father was visiting other Realms, for example.  Then I got careless and just started throwing myself at about any swinging dick that came along. I even went back with this guy that was incarcerated in a mental institution. For some reason they were letting him drive a van around.  I was roller-skating by the river and he pulled up alongside me.

“Check out this van,” he said.

And that was it.

It went like that for awhile. Lot of waking up at noon, putting on tight green shorts with three stripes up the side, blow-drying my hair, skating around all afternoon by the beach, having sex with a lot of guys. And then one day, there was my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods, standing before me with the two servants of the Sphere behind him. They had just appeared all of the sudden out of this guy’s closet.

“Who is this creature?” he said in his typically booming voice.
“Kenny, I think,” I answered. I wasn’t even sure.
My Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods nodded to the servants of the Sphere. They lifted Kenny up off the bed and took him out into the kitchen. I never saw him after that.
“The mural has been closed permanently,” My Father noted. He would not look at me but was staring at a magazine that was flung open over an office chair.

“You have had enough.” It was a statement, not a question but I decided to answer it anyway.
“Never. I could go on doing this forever.”

He picked up my skates then. Before my eyes, a chasm opened up in the carpet. And the skates were cast into them. The chasm closed.

And now I am back in the Timeless Realm. The portal is thick with briers and guarded daily.