OPINION: I Can Still Get Through the Mural and Have Sex With a Lot of Guys

Home > Opinions > OPINION: I Can Still Get Through the Mural and Have Sex With a Lot of Guys

OPINION: I Can Still Get Through the Mural and Have Sex With a Lot of Guys

October 21, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By “An Arrival”

For awhile, my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods prevented me from getting through the mural at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. Then, suddenly, one day it was open again. I just walked through and once again it became my point of entry to earth.

At first, I went through only occasionally– when Father was visiting other Realms, for example. Then I got careless and just started throwing myself at about any swinging dick that came along. I even went back with this guy that was incarcerated in a mental institution. For some reason they were letting him drive a van around. I was roller-skating by the river and he pulled up alongside me.

“Check out this van,” he said.

And that was it.

It went like that for awhile. Lot of waking up at noon, putting on tight green shorts with three stripes up the side, blow-drying my hair, skating around all afternoon by the beach, having sex with a lot of guys. And then one day, there was my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods, standing before me with the two servants of the Sphere behind him. They had just appeared all of the sudden out of this guy’s closet.

“Who is this creature?” he said in his typically booming voice.
“Kenny, I think,” I answered. I wasn’t even sure.
My Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods nodded to the servants of the Sphere. They lifted Kenny up off the bed and took him out into the kitchen. I never saw him after that.
“The mural has been closed permanently,” My Father noted. He would not look at me but was staring at a magazine that was flung open over an office chair.

“You have had enough.” It was a statement, not a question but I decided to answer it anyway.
“Never. I could go on doing this forever.”

He picked up my skates then. Before my eyes, a chasm opened up in the carpet. And the skates were cast into them. The chasm closed.

And now I am back in the Timeless Realm. The portal is thick with briers and guarded daily.

Comments (1) Trackbacks (0) Leave a comment Trackback

Dan Plankton

October 22, 2014 at 8:39 pm

Reply

Marvelous. I have long wondered.

No trackbacks yet.

FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

Test yourself. Take "Lankville in Pieces" apart and see how long it takes you to get it together again. Puzzle pundits will enjoy this breathtaking, colorful 165-piece jigsaw puzzle of Lankville now being offered by The News. It comes assembled, has a plastic, lock-top storage bag, coupons and a portable "lifter" for use on restaurant tables. The puzzle sells for $20 in The News lobby or for $24 to cover postage and handling by electronic snappy mail. Send cash to: Lankville in Pieces, Kiosk 258, The Lankville Daily News, Lankville City, 02416.

TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

© 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News. All material written by Devon Fick unless otherwise indicated. With additional material by David Hadbawnik, Shane Meyer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

	Jade Gorman on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Samways and Fick: Identity…
	oversion on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Bath Times with My Father Gump…
	Life Lessons Funeral… on Son of Tibbs

The Lankville Daily News