UPDATE: Bumpkin Revealed to Have Tail; Schropp Pacified
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
BUMPKIN HAD PREHENSILE TAIL?
In an update on a story reported earlier this week, one of the bumpkins who was recently carried off by the wind was revealed to have a fully developed prehensile tail, eyewitnesses are reporting.
The bumpkins still didn’t have anything nice but one of them did have a tail.
The tailed bumpkin- the youngest of the seven bumpkins carried off by the wind that attacked a local trailer park– was never before seen pantsless, so neighbors had never noticed the tail before. “He was smiling the whole time, poor lad,” said a neighbor who identified himself as “Amos”, who claimed that he watched helplessly as the bumpkins were carried off by the zephyr. “All the other bumpkins were whisked off, but this bumpkin, he had a tail and he was just giggling and giggling and…” Amos then began to giggle himself until he could no longer continue the interview and went back to kicking a nearby wheelbarrow.
Police had no further comment.
SCHROPP PACIFIED?
Noted breakfast sandwich aficionado Brian Schropp issued a statement apologizing for his recent outburst during an interview with Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Bias-Kirk.
“First of all, a sincere apology not only to the paper but to the readers as well. I have been under extreme pressure recently in matters which I will get to shortly. But whatever the reason may be, it still does not excuse my harsh outburst earlier this week. I have eaten humble cake [sic] recently and hope you will forgive me.
Now, onto matters at hand. I am proud to announce that I am in the final stages of putting together another art book of my watercolor paintings of breakfast sandwiches. This one will actually be professionally spiral-bound! Gone are the garbage-bag twist ties that posed such a problem with my first book! I feel that, with my art skills vastly improving, this current book will receive a much wider audience. I am also fooling around with the idea of doing a Don Jars biography. Mr. Jars is, of course, the man who helped shape the modern breakfast sandwich which in turn shaped modern Lankville. My initial thoughts were to do a combination children’s “pop-up/scratch and sniff” style book but found the subject matter too serious and, frankly, a bit too complex for kids or even young adults. Please wish me luck on these endeavors.
Is this Man Happy Now?
Trying to break into the world of publishing is stressful enough but there has been another factor, another source of great stress which I dare say has a deeper meaning not only to me but others of my kind. I have been campaigning hard to have a question put on this year’s election ballot. I have proposed that it become Lankville law that all major sporting events (Small Motel Girl Wrestling, Lingus Nets, Tennis) have a breakfast sandwich option on their food menus. I believe strongly that this is a civil rights issue. Why should I have to look around the filled stadia or the cramped small motel girl wrestling rooms whilst others enjoy hot dogs and cheesesteaks with such ease when the breakfast sandwich is simply NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
What people need to understand and realize is that a breakfast sandwich can be eaten at any time of the day. If you had one in the afternoon or in the evening, for example, you might not be so frightened of them. Your understanding would blossom. I believe with all my heart that I can help with that.
And media outlets like The Lankville Daily News can help spread the understanding too. Particularly, say, if they would run my heartfelt column FIRST before columns about bumpkins being carried off by the wind. Or, say, maybe…I don’t know…RUN MY COLUMN SEPARATELY? Am I really going to always follow bumpkins now, guys? Bumpkins and breakfast sandwiches share absolutely NOTHING IN COMMON. WHY ARE WE PAIRING THESE ARTICLES? But, never mind that. Peace and understanding. Breathe in and breathe out.
So now I ask, no I beg you, dear readers, while I am eating my humble cake [sic] that you please contact your local officials and help me get this on the ballot.
It’s time to take the great leap forward.
Ric Royer and Brian Schropp have contributed to these articles.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK