Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > UPDATE: Bumpkin Revealed to Have Tail; Schropp Pacified

UPDATE: Bumpkin Revealed to Have Tail; Schropp Pacified

October 23, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

 

BUMPKIN HAD PREHENSILE TAIL?

In an update on a story reported earlier this week, one of the bumpkins who was recently carried off by the wind was revealed to have a fully developed prehensile tail, eyewitnesses are reporting.

The bumpkins still didn't have anything nice but one of them did have a tail.

The bumpkins still didn’t have anything nice but one of them did have a tail.

The tailed bumpkin- the youngest of the seven bumpkins carried off by the wind that attacked a local trailer park– was never before seen pantsless, so neighbors had never noticed the tail before. “He was smiling the whole time, poor lad,” said a neighbor who identified himself as “Amos”, who claimed that he watched helplessly as the bumpkins were carried off by the zephyr. “All the other bumpkins were whisked off, but this bumpkin, he had a tail and he was just giggling and giggling and…” Amos then began to giggle himself until he could no longer continue the interview and went back to kicking a nearby wheelbarrow.

Police had no further comment.

SCHROPP PACIFIED?

Noted breakfast sandwich aficionado Brian Schropp issued a statement apologizing for his recent outburst during an interview with Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Bias-Kirk.

“First of all, a sincere apology not only to the paper but to the readers as well. I have been under extreme pressure recently in matters which I will get to shortly. But whatever the reason may be, it still does not excuse my harsh outburst earlier this week. I have eaten humble cake [sic] recently and hope you will forgive me.

Now, onto matters at hand. I am proud to announce that I am in the final stages of putting together another art book of my watercolor paintings of breakfast sandwiches. This one will actually be professionally spiral-bound! Gone are the garbage-bag twist ties that posed such a problem with my first book! I feel that, with my art skills vastly improving, this current book will receive a much wider audience. I am also fooling around with the idea of doing a Don Jars biography. Mr. Jars is, of course, the man who helped shape the modern breakfast sandwich which in turn shaped modern Lankville. My initial thoughts were to do a combination children’s “pop-up/scratch and sniff” style book but found the subject matter too serious and, frankly, a bit too complex for kids or even young adults. Please wish me luck on these endeavors.

Is this Man Happy Now?

Is this Man Happy Now?

Trying to break into the world of publishing is stressful enough but there has been another factor, another source of great stress which I dare say has a deeper meaning not only to me but others of my kind. I have been campaigning hard to have a question put on this year’s election ballot. I have proposed that it become Lankville law that all major sporting events (Small Motel Girl Wrestling, Lingus Nets, Tennis) have a breakfast sandwich option on their food menus. I believe strongly that this is a civil rights issue. Why should I have to look around the filled stadia or the cramped small motel girl wrestling rooms whilst others enjoy hot dogs and cheesesteaks with such ease when the breakfast sandwich is simply NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

What people need to understand and realize is that a breakfast sandwich can be eaten at any time of the day. If you had one in the afternoon or in the evening, for example, you might not be so frightened of them. Your understanding would blossom. I believe with all my heart that I can help with that.

And media outlets like The Lankville Daily News can help spread the understanding too. Particularly, say, if they would run my heartfelt column FIRST before columns about bumpkins being carried off by the wind. Or, say, maybe…I don’t know…RUN MY COLUMN SEPARATELY? Am I really going to always follow bumpkins now, guys? Bumpkins and breakfast sandwiches share absolutely NOTHING IN COMMON.  WHY ARE WE PAIRING THESE ARTICLES?  But, never mind that. Peace and understanding. Breathe in and breathe out.

So now I ask, no I beg you, dear readers, while I am eating my humble cake [sic] that you please contact your local officials and help me get this on the ballot.

It’s time to take the great leap forward.

Ric Royer and Brian Schropp have contributed to these articles.

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