Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Royer to Launch Dating Site Tomorrow

Royer to Launch Dating Site Tomorrow

October 31, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
Gump Tibbs

By Gump Tibbs

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Royer Entertainments CEO Ric Royer announced today that he will launch his new dating website tomorrow at noon.

“Smackers.com” claims to provide a unique personality profiling analysis via a series of detailed questions that endeavor to gauge “value systems”, “beliefs”, “preferences” and “interests”. The site has already drawn criticism, however, from some dating experts.

“The name of the site is rather provocative for starters,” noted critic Dawn Halpers. “There is bound to be some immediate confusion.”

Royer, who was interviewed while installing some new pieces to his voluminous illuminated porcelain Christmas village, refuted the comments.

“The site is about bringing the lonely together. It’s very scientific. Everyone is having a wonderful time.”

The CEO began screaming suddenly when a porcelain figure of an elderly lady holding a shopping bag toppled over. The interview had to be ended prematurely.

Halpers noted other issues with “Smackers.com”.

“The questions are unique but not particularly conducive to matching two personalities for dating purposes. If you look at some of the questions– this one, for example– “Do you believe that the kisses of stars rain hard upon the body?” followed by a rather senseless numerical rating sequence of 1-7. It’s hard to imagine how answering that question would bring you any closer to finding your perfect match,” the critic opined.

Nevertheless, “Smackers.com” already has over one billion pre-registered users and appears destined to become Lankville’s number one online dating service.

SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM SMACKERS.COM PROFILE ANALYSIS

-Rate your travels in the Land of No God.  1  2  3  4  5  6  7

-Are you done with the illusions of dogma?  1  2  3  4  5  6  7

-Do you eat animals?    1  2  3  4  5  7  8

-Woman stands alone as the High Priestess of Love at the Altar of Life and man
is the victim therein and beneath her, man lies, he exalts and he dies and he burns
at the breath of her kiss. And a star rushes flaming into fire and the blaze bursts
and splashes against a crimson sky.  Right?    1  2  3  4  5  7

 

  1. Luigi
    October 31, 2014 at 11:09 am

    REVIEW/SPOILER ALERT: Interestingly enough, I noticed while browsing the site that there are two versions of the profile analysis, (one labeled in blue and the other in pink). I can only assume they were made for each of the sexes but this can not be confirmed or denied. Anyhow… Question 87, (blue) read as follows: “Don’t be a dick (?) 1 2 3 ” I find this to be an irritating non-sequitur and will need to cancel my $300/month subscription.

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