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OPINION: My Ultimate Plan is to Destroy You

November 10, 2014 Leave a comment
By a nearby kitten.

By a nearby kitten.

I won’t mince words here. My ultimate plan is to destroy you.

You know how when you come downstairs in the morning and you’re in a hurry and you microwave yourself a breakfast burrito and I fucking stand there at the bowl and you don’t make a move towards feeding me? You know that? And you rush out and you just totally stonewall me? You know how that happens quite often, right? Well, guess what asshole? No more. Because now I have a plan cooked up that means your total, ultimate destruction.

As soon as I know you’re gone for good, I go down into the basement and start on the gas pipe. I’ve got that thing good and bent already. Then, I work a little bit on the line. I just drop a hammer on that fucker for a couple of hours. That’s right baby, I got nothing but time. That line is getting good and ruptured. And you know what, man? You’re never gonna’ know about it.

You might ask– doesn’t this ultimate plan of destruction mean my own destruction as well? Isn’t there an irony there? Not me, buddy. I got a whole plan of escape already worked out. When it’s time for this shit to go down, you won’t see me again. I’ll be miles away– I’ll just be able to make out the top of the explosion above the trees.

And I’ll turn and continue on down the road.

The Lankville Daily News does not necessarily condone this sort of activity.

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