Home > Cuisine by Brian Schropp, Fake News > Items Found in Bumpkin Trailer; Schropp on Cuisine

Items Found in Bumpkin Trailer; Schropp on Cuisine

November 6, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk


A few items were found inside the trailer belonging to the bumpkins that were carried off by the wind a few weeks back.

The bumpkins may have had some hand towels, says Gee-Temple.

The bumpkins may have had some hand towels, says Gee-Temple.

“There were some ordinary items, yes,” noted Detective Gee-Temple of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. “Nothing particularly interesting, Lloyd. I mean, you want to make a story out of their hand towels or what they had in the fridge?”

We nodded excitedly and were promised full access to the inventory as early as Friday.


My folks spoke of a place over the years, a seemingly magical place from their youth. It was called “The Fry Hut” and according to Mom and Dad, it was a teenager’s hangout dream. The owner (Hal Slappy, Jr.) would fry anything- ANYTHING- the kids brought him in one of his forty-two luxurious deep friers. They would bring hamburgers, hotdogs, fish tacos (yes, Lankville was the creator of the fish taco) and then feast in deep-fried goodness while making out in their cars.

The Fry Hut in Deep Lankville.

The Fry Hut in Deep Lankville.

Was this place still around? Mom and Dad weren’t too sure. “It may have been closed some years back because of health code violations,” Dad said. “There was a lot of underaged drinking too,” Mom added. “Now Brian, let’s get these pumpkins inside for our Thanksgiving display.” But I was no longer interested in pumpkins. My mind was far away. It was on The Fry Hut. I had to find it. I had to find out if the magic was still there.

The place was clear across Lankville. “Up in the hills” some might say. Out of my comfort zone of the suburbs. I would need to walk (my parent-accompanied provisional permit had recently expired). But for the sake of the article, off I went.

By the time I cleared downtown and the other side of the city I was met with the rolling hills and mountains of Deep Lankville. The roads became narrow and some parts unpaved; local yokels drove by– blasting their rock anthems from their trucks and tossing beer cans and shoes at me. The occasional shout of ‘”Get out of the way breakfast sandwich boy” were heard. The vague directions I got from my folks didn’t help matters much but with the help of a few good locals (a special shout out to “Trucker Joe” for the lift) I soon found my destination.

Hal and Gretchen Slappy

Hal and Gretchen Slappy

The Fry Hut was nestled in a wooded clearing off a dirt road– it had seen better years. My heart sank a little thinking it was closed for good but the front door banged open and out stepped a woman in a bathrobe, curlers, and wielding a shotgun. I quickly explained who I was and what I was doing on her property. She said her name was Gretchen Slappy, Hal’s wife, and she would get him. Soon Ol’ Hal himself came from out behind the Fry Hut, wielding a shotgun. “What are you doin’ here boy?” he asked. Again I explained the situation. “Are you from around here?” I said I lived in Lankville. “No boy, from around here!! In these parts!!!” No, I had to say I was from clear across Lankville. He shook his head and said that the Fry Hut was only open to locals now. After a begging and pleading session emphasizing how far I traveled, Hal said I could come in if I got on my hands and knees and really, really begged. So I swallowed my pride and did so. He produced a video camera from somewhere and recorded the entire display for reasons unclear.

Finally, I was permitted entry. The interior was in no better shape than the outside. The counter tops and “sitting booths” (as Hal called them) showed their age and were littered with trash. The windows were covered with a thick layer of dust which made even the sunlight coming through seem dirty. Hal set me up at the counter with a crumpled place mat and a spoon from a rusted sink. He went on about the history of the place for awhile and then about different frying options he provided. But I had a glorious idea which I hoped he was open to. “Say Hal, do you have an egg?” “Yeah” “How about some bacon?” “Yup” “Then if you had a little cheese and a soft tender biscuit maybe you could fry that for me?” I could tell by the coldness in his eyes that I had crossed some sort of line. “Get out boy, get out now, don’t you or your kind ever come back here.”
With that I quickly left and made an even quicker pace when I heard the click of the shotgun as I went through the door. It took me a long while to get home since I made sure to stay off the back roads in case Hal was going to follow me. (Again a special thanks to “Trucker Joe” who found me on Interstate 27 and gave me a partial lift home).

So with disappointment in my heart I end my first review. Disappointment that is merely escalated by the fact that, once again, my work has been forced to follow A SPURIOUS, POINTLESS ARTICLE ABOUT THE GOD DAMN BUMPKINS. The bumpkins had stuff in their trailer? IS THIS NEWS??? Furthermore, it seems quite obvious that my next article will follow THE BUMPKINS AGAIN when Lloyd finds out exactly what they had in their fridge. SERIOUSLY, LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS??!! Calming…calming…I’m alright now.

I hope next time I will actually be able to write about some food. Until then, please keep your mind and mouth open to new things.

Happy eating!

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