News in Brief

December 14, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

KEEBAUGH HONORED

Zach Keebaugh

Zach Keebaugh got a medallion.

Lankville Daily News columnist Zach Keebaugh received a shimmering medallion last night for his work in the field of investigative reporting. Keebaugh was one of three recipients.

“Yo, it’s good to get out, socialize, get this god damn medallion,” the journalist noted. “I spend an awful lot of time in that overheated hell of an apartment over the knives and puzzles shop, just doing nothing, man. Just sitting around with one of those little plastic games, man. You know, where you got to guide the marble through the maze. God, what a shit show. Who knows, might meet some ladies here, take one of them home, you never can tell, man.”

Keebaugh did not take any ladies home, sources later confirmed.

SAMWAYS AND FICK ISSUES HOLIDAY CARD

A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.

A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.

Samways and Fick, Lankville’s most prestigious consulting firm, issued its annual holiday card today after much anticipation.

“I wrote the interior message myself,” Samways, who was wearing a giant foam jacket, noted. “I think it’s really beautiful and conveys to our clients how much we love them, how much we grow with them and they with us.”

The foam jacket suddenly began to expand and Samways ended the interview prematurely.

Only 300 holiday cards were issued.

“Your business should consider itself very, very lucky to get a Samways and Fick card,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “It means that you are at the pinnacle of commerce in Lankville. We, of course, get one every year.”

Samways and Fick has been helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain since last year.

SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING ROUNDUP

A series of exciting small motel girl wrestling matches were held last night at the El Patio Motel (Room 14) in Capitol City.

Tandy McLemore (14-3) defeated newcomer Peachy Lynn the Bomber (0-1) in the headliner.

“Peachy Lynn tried cornering Tandy between the two double beds,” noted commentator Dick Oakes, Jr. “That’s a real rookie mistake and she paid for it. The area between the double beds is an absolute no-man’s land in small motel girl wrestling.”

McLemore is set to take on The Fabulous Lass (13-2) in January.

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