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News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
KEEBAUGH HONORED
Zach Keebaugh got a medallion.
Lankville Daily News columnist Zach Keebaugh received a shimmering medallion last night for his work in the field of investigative reporting. Keebaugh was one of three recipients.
“Yo, it’s good to get out, socialize, get this god damn medallion,” the journalist noted. “I spend an awful lot of time in that overheated hell of an apartment over the knives and puzzles shop, just doing nothing, man. Just sitting around with one of those little plastic games, man. You know, where you got to guide the marble through the maze. God, what a shit show. Who knows, might meet some ladies here, take one of them home, you never can tell, man.”
Keebaugh did not take any ladies home, sources later confirmed.
SAMWAYS AND FICK ISSUES HOLIDAY CARD
A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.
Samways and Fick, Lankville’s most prestigious consulting firm, issued its annual holiday card today after much anticipation.
“I wrote the interior message myself,” Samways, who was wearing a giant foam jacket, noted. “I think it’s really beautiful and conveys to our clients how much we love them, how much we grow with them and they with us.”
The foam jacket suddenly began to expand and Samways ended the interview prematurely.
Only 300 holiday cards were issued.
“Your business should consider itself very, very lucky to get a Samways and Fick card,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “It means that you are at the pinnacle of commerce in Lankville. We, of course, get one every year.”
Samways and Fick has been helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain since last year.
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING ROUNDUP
A series of exciting small motel girl wrestling matches were held last night at the El Patio Motel (Room 14) in Capitol City.
Tandy McLemore (14-3) defeated newcomer Peachy Lynn the Bomber (0-1) in the headliner.
“Peachy Lynn tried cornering Tandy between the two double beds,” noted commentator Dick Oakes, Jr. “That’s a real rookie mistake and she paid for it. The area between the double beds is an absolute no-man’s land in small motel girl wrestling.”
McLemore is set to take on The Fabulous Lass (13-2) in January.
McLemore to Defend Small Motel Girl Wrestling Title Tonight
Dick Oakes, Jr.
Small motel girl wrestler Tandy McLemore, who has successfully defended her title six times this past year, will meet the Sensational Xenith in a one-fall finish title match at the El Patio Motel in Capital City tonight.
Tandy McLemore, Champion.
Miss McLemore has defeated every small motel girl wrestler of note since acquiring the crown earlier this year. The Sensational Xenith figures to test the champion to the limit tonight and an exciting match is in prospect, with all the hair-pulling, punching and nudity usually in evidence when two members of the deadlier sex collide.
“I don’t think I’ll have too much problem with Xenith,” McLemore noted at a press conference held this morning in the office of the El Patio Motel. “She’s a good [small motel girl] wrestler but she doesn’t have that sixth sense one needs in this game. She tripped over a hassock in her last match– that’s a rookie mistake, we all know it.”
Xenith, either 20 or 35, believes she will win.
“Tandy is a good [small motel girl] wrestler but I’ve studied the films and I believe she can be beaten. If you get her in a corner by a floor lamp, she can’t get out.”
Promoters have asserted that both [small motel girl] wrestlers are virgins.
“Yep, both virgins,” noted Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings. “Got the papers and everything. They’re in the car though. I’ll get ’em later.”
Cummings wandered off and the interview ended prematurely.
Three one-fall preliminary bouts featuring local bone benders, will complete the program. Tickets still remain although most are limited to standing room against the wall by the bureau.
SPORT FINAL
By Chandler Crystals
UPDATABLES IS LINGUS NETS CHAMP
A crowd of 49,254 saw Dennis Updatables (18-2) top DeWayne Buice (17-4) to capture the 2014 Lankville Lingus Nets Championship at Chambers Company Hand Drill Arena in Western Lankville.
Updatables deposited 27 sacks en route to victory. Buice deposited 24.
Updatables deposits one of his 27 sacks en route to victory.
“DeWayne had actually gotten ahead of me a little bit– he had deposited a great number of his Lingus sacks but I noticed that he was short on putting away some of his nets,” commented Updatables who was awarded prize money, food and some hand drills for his victory. “I took that opportunity to fill in some of the decoy holes I had established and rolled two of the smaller size Lingus Balls into the Lingus Hut. By then it was over.”
“He’s a tough opponent,” noted Buice, who fell to 17-4 after the loss. “He’s [sic] has colossal energy out there [on the Lingus Nets court] and it’s hard to match that diabolical, almost satanic level of defense. Yet, his probity is beyond reproach. It’s a conundrum.”
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING UPDATE
A series of matches at the Kent Motel on the western coast of Lankville have been announced for January.
Shenna Catalay-Sisters will take on “Tara” on January 5th at 11PM in Room 218 (use back stairwell). The Pink Punisher will then battle Shirley Rayford on January 12th at 11PM. Both are virgins and one is foreign.
“These matches are the matches that the institution of Small Motel Girl Wrestling tried to stop,” noted promoter Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings. “Sometimes, a person has to go through hell to seek salvation,” Cummings added. “These beauties will go through hell and we’ll have a concession stand also.”
Limited seating is available.
9-YEAR OLD CHILD MAKES DEBUT
Dennis Clean-System
A 9-year old child made his debut last night in the Lankville Hockey League.
The child, Dennis Clean-System, played two minutes for the Terrifying Bats.
“We’ve been beating the bushes for talent,” said Bats manager Jimmy “Apple Cakes” Quizzler, who watched as his club allowed 7 goals and fell to 2-21. “Someone told me about this small child, I was drunk, and I signed him up. That’s pretty much how it happened.”
Moderately exciting LHL action will continue tonight as the Crisply Moving Bisons will take on the Eastern Hill Shaded Copses at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
Today in Small Motel Girl Wrestling
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
The Horn of Comfy Motel in Breezetown, Eastern Lankville was the sight of a spirited bout last Saturday as two “virgins” took to the carpet. Indeed, the veracity of this claim was doubted by many onlookers and a grumble issued forth from the crowd until promoter Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings stepped up onto a folding chair and addressed the throng.
“Boys,” he said in his distinctive Northern Hole accent. “These girls are virgins. I have their papers.”
This seemed to pacify the crowd and after a short (and abominable) juggling display, the two virgins made their way into the room.
Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings: Small Motel Girl Wrestling promoter.
“Boys, I’d like to introduce you to Xenith and Flora,” said Cummings, as the beauties positioned themselves on opposite sides of the room. “These girls are two battling virgins who are ready to fight to the death, ready to inflict any and all amount of pain in their quest to be champion. This, boys, is the match that the institution of small motel girl wrestling tried desperately to stop, the match of the year, the match of the century. Also, there are hot dogs available outside.”
At that, Xenith and Flora clinched and the crowd began their rhythmic chanting. The bills flowed freely from the pockets of all attendees as last minute bets were placed and, just as quickly, retracted.
“I knew I had a good chance to win,” Xenith, 19, commented later, once the match had been decided. “I’m much more lithe than Flora– she’s a pretty girl and all but I could tell right away that I was in better shape. I knew if I could get her over by the ottoman, then the match was over. That’s what I aimed for.”
Xenith and Flora, the two virgin small motel girl wrestling wrestlers.
And, indeed, that is exactly how the match of the century ended. After a series of clinches, throwdowns and general hair-pulling, Xenith was able to pin her luckless opponent against the ottoman. “I didn’t see it at all,” Flora, either 17 or 38, said later. “It flipped my legs in the air and I banged my head against that bureau. I was dazed after that.”
Xenith showed all the command of a seasoned motel wrestler in finishing her opponent off. “I pulled her body up a few times for the benefit of the boys and then took that one-piecer off in one movement. Then I got on top of her rear, worked the chin and ears, flipped her over and pounded on the torso a little. Got her weak in the stomach. Sammy called it after that.”
The crowd was, in general pleased. “Yeah, first time for me,” noted onlooker Eroc Hatts of Western Lankville. “I was attracted by the idea that they were virgins. It was light-hearted because of that.”
Hatts was later murdered.
Xenith is now preparing for her next match, set to take place at the Harvest House Inn in Southern Lankville on December 11. She will take on yet another virgin, a mysterious wrestler known only as “The Fabulous Lass” and the crowd is sure to be copious. “I’ve been studying The Lass on film,” noted Xenith, who works as a waitress during the day. “She’s got a couple of gigantic bumpers and I think I can use them against her. I think I can bring her down.”
Small Motel Girl Wrestling: Lankville’s Newest Sport?
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
There are times when beauty can penetrate a man’s soul and awake senses which his mind cannot control. Then, with the sort of helplessness usually reserved for the drawing of a moth toward a flame, he must obey his instincts to possess the wonder which has excited him. Often, this lust-fueled turmoil is accompanied by the consumption of an alcoholic beverage or perhaps a particularly thick desert.
It is then that the man will find himself attending a small motel wrestling match, Lankville’s newest sport. He will know upon entering the small hotel room that he has infiltrated a den of unabashed iniquity. Sweaty, spellbound men form a mean ring around the room– they are all here to be erotically aroused. A pile of gambled money rests on a battered bureau, pushed into one corner– a squat, brutish thug monitors it from a little stool. The combatants, beautiful heavily-lipsticked women, suddenly throw open the bathroom door and make their way through the ring of bodies.
At times, bikinis are ripped off and yet, the girls continue to wrestle across the carpet in their nude glory. The men exhibit a certain sophistication at the proceedings before them– no matter how aroused they become, they will continue to calmly stand and watch the proceedings. The brutish thug sees to it. Unfortunately, there is a first time for everything.
It was my third time (strictly for journalistic purposes, you understand). The matchup was Tara vs. Shayna and they were a little late arriving. The thug, in an unusually charitable mood, passed out extra bottles of champagne. The heat was terrible and the windows of the small motel room began to fog up. “Sorry about the air conditioning boys,” the thug noted, though no further explanation was proffered. We waited.
There was an engineer there, guy named Harold Martin. A university man, this was his first slip into the pit of Small Motel Girl Wrestling. He drank not wisely and admitted that he had eaten nothing all day. “We had a robot that went off down the hallway and entered a classroom,” he stated quietly. He loosened his cheap tie.
It was a jolly crowd by the time Tara and Shayna made their way into the ring. The men lifted their glasses in unison, however the ladies were far too focused on the coming match to notice. Neither one would state later that they noticed anything strange about the crowd.
The two lithe but busty beauties locked arms immediately. The clinch went on for some time– swaying back and forth until finally Shayna was able to crush Tara into the carpet, shedding her bikini completely in the process. The men politely cheered. The match continued on– the women tore at each other with savage abandon. Shayna’s bikini suddenly popped off to moderate applause.
It was then that Harold Martin, his shirt torn off to reveal a sunken, hairless chest, jumped into the ring. “OH NO!” cried the thug, who got up from the stool as quick as his little legs would carry him. The crowd of men stood stunned as Harold attempted to insinuate himself into the match, only to be viciously beaten by both women. He seemed to be enjoying the thrashing and the men turned their heads– the sight was sickening. Finally, the thug and two other men grabbed Harold out by his legs and pushed him up against a far wall. The match was immediately ended and the hotel room emptied.
“This is what we try to prevent,” said the thug, later. “Small Motel Girl Wrestling insists upon decorum from the crowd, it INSISTS,” he continued, slamming his fist into his hand. “You must understand. This is NOT ACCEPTABLE!”
“What will you do?” I asked.
He thought about this.
“We may have to move Small Motel Girl Wrestling out of the small motel room and into a venue that allows for better protection for our fighters. That may be the only way. The future of Small Motel Girl Wrestling depends on it.”
The thug promised a decision within days.
“I’ll need to meet with the other organizers. Reports will need to be issued. The commissioner will be consulted. It’s a process, Dick.”
Stay tuned for updates on the future of Small Motel Girl Wrestling.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK