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December 9, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Chandler Crystals

By Chandler Crystals


A crowd of 49,254 saw Dennis Updatables (18-2) top DeWayne Buice (17-4) to capture the 2014 Lankville Lingus Nets Championship at Chambers Company Hand Drill Arena in Western Lankville.

Updatables deposited 27 sacks en route to victory. Buice deposited 24.

Lingus Nets

Updatables deposits one of his 27 sacks en route to victory.

“DeWayne had actually gotten ahead of me a little bit– he had deposited a great number of his Lingus sacks but I noticed that he was short on putting away some of his nets,” commented Updatables who was awarded prize money, food and some hand drills for his victory. “I took that opportunity to fill in some of the decoy holes I had established and rolled two of the smaller size Lingus Balls into the Lingus Hut. By then it was over.”

“He’s a tough opponent,” noted Buice, who fell to 17-4 after the loss. “He’s [sic] has colossal energy out there [on the Lingus Nets court] and it’s hard to match that diabolical, almost satanic level of defense. Yet, his probity is beyond reproach. It’s a conundrum.”


A series of matches at the Kent Motel on the western coast of Lankville have been announced for January.

Shenna Catalay-Sisters will take on “Tara” on January 5th at 11PM in Room 218 (use back stairwell). The Pink Punisher will then battle Shirley Rayford on January 12th at 11PM. Both are virgins and one is foreign.

“These matches are the matches that the institution of Small Motel Girl Wrestling tried to stop,” noted promoter Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings. “Sometimes, a person has to go through hell to seek salvation,” Cummings added. “These beauties will go through hell and we’ll have a concession stand also.”

Limited seating is available.


Dennis Clean-System

Dennis Clean-System

A 9-year old child made his debut last night in the Lankville Hockey League.

The child, Dennis Clean-System, played two minutes for the Terrifying Bats.

“We’ve been beating the bushes for talent,” said Bats manager Jimmy “Apple Cakes” Quizzler, who watched as his club allowed 7 goals and fell to 2-21.  “Someone told me about this small child, I was drunk, and I signed him up.  That’s pretty much how it happened.”

Moderately exciting LHL action will continue tonight as the Crisply Moving Bisons will take on the Eastern Hill Shaded Copses at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.

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