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Diary of a Female Bowling Champion by Whitney Balboni

April 11, 2017 Leave a comment

Whitney Balboni (center) with two of her lovely bowling girlfriends.

I’ll never forget the Bowladrome in the Lankville Area Marshlands. That’s where Daddy first took me bowling. I think I was three years old.

Back then, everything was blue with red trashcans at the end of each lane. I’ll never forget those trash cans. People used to throw chipped bowling bowls in them. It was impossible for the attendants to remove the bag. The ball would break right through and roll away, littering the blue carpet with other garbage. I remember Cliff, the manager. He was a little blue, himself. He said, “there just ain’t no trash bag strong enough to handle a 12-pound bowling ball. Wish there was.” I bet Cliff could have used one of those big contractor’s bags that they sell at the Home Tyrant now. But this was back before they had places like the Home Tyrant or the Home Dump or Barlow’s.

Anyway, back then I was in the Lankville Young Female Bowling Association (LYFBA) and I was champion by age 5. Daddy showed me how to put a lot of reverse English on the ball and people couldn’t believe it. Cliff said, “look at that wicked little girl. Kee-rist, she’ll be a champion one day” and then he would go back to spraying the shoes.

One time, Cliff said to Daddy, “I’d like to make little Whitney the mascot here at the Bowladrome. We can put her picture up on the god damn sign.” But Daddy was pretty sly. He asked for a hundred thousand dollars. Cliff threw up all over Daddy then, I’ll never forget it. When he recovered, he said, “don’t come back here. Don’t never come back here. And give me back all those damn award patches we doled out like they was god damn candy. I’m revoking all them.”

Daddy quietly said, “Whitney earned them patches” and we walked out into the parking lot. There was a little store at the end of the strip mall and Daddy said, “let’s get a loaf of bread.” So we did.

The Bowladrome

And that was the end of our time at the Bowladrome.

We started going across the Area Marshlands to the Rose Bowl. It was run by an ex-boxer named Mr. Farmer.

“Mr. Farmer will be better for your career,” my Daddy said. “You now need to enter a higher phase of learning. Bowling will be your life now. There is no need for any further education.”

And so Daddy pulled me out of school and we spent everyday– 9 hours a day, at the Rose Bowl.

It paid off. Even though I couldn’t barely read, I was Junior Champion by age 8. By age 10, I was beating 20 year-olds. By age 12, I was beating 30 year-olds. And only one year after that, I beat a guy who was 54. I had a perfect game that day, my first. I was the Marshland Champion.

“It’s time to travel east into the capital,” Daddy said. “It’s time for the Wheat Triangle Lane Tournament. But let’s get a loaf of bread first.”

Daddy left the car running while he went into the little store. I played the radio for awhile but Daddy didn’t come out. Then, a fat man in an apron came out. He looked around for a while and then he saw me. He came over.

“Is that your Dad that came in for the bread?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He sighed deeply.

“I hate to be the one to tell you this but I’m afraid that his arm got caught on the sharp corner of the bread shelf. His arm got torn off completely. Before I noticed, he bled to death.”

I was going to cry but I remembered what Daddy said. “There’s no crying in bowling”. So I showed the man my patch celebrating my first 300 game.

He looked at the sky. “Bowling is a sort of scourge here in the Marshlands,” he said. “That’s why your Daddy got his arm ripped off. Nature was balancing the scale.”

He reached into his pocket and gave me $5. I never knew why.

Diary of a Bowling Champion will continue in future issues.

Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists

September 20, 2016 Leave a comment
By Proverb Orsino

By Proverb Orsino 26W-4L, 22KO

I was born in 1925 in the Great Lankville Southern Basin Area. The first thing I remember was the Great Flood of 1931, you remember that? No, of course not, what year were you born? 1982? What a bullshit year that was. What a bullshit time to be born in. You shoulda’ been born in 1925, really.

Anyway, the river rose 325-feet and everybody drowned. The only people that didn’t drown were the people on the Great Hill above the Great Basin and guess what? (The interviewer could not guess). Whattdya’ mean you don’t know? Why do you think I’m sitting here talking to you, 1982? (The interviewer could still not guess). Because I lived on the god damn Great Hill, that’s why. C’mon, 1982– you asleep or something?

Anyway, the thing I most remember is the legend of the Hard Time Killer. You know about that? Of course you don’t, 1982. All you know about is them calculators, am I right? Am I right? (Orsino was mostly right). The Hard Time Killer was this boogeyman, I guess you could say that afflicted areas that was going through a hard time and the Southern Basin Area was sure as hell going through one. He went around and took people in the night and you never saw them again. Nobody never did find out if he was real or imagined but I think he was real. And since Ma and Pa were too poor to afford any kind of a gun or anything (although we did have an uncle that had a gas chamber), I figured on training up in boxing so’s I could defend the family. And that’s how I became a boxer, 1982.

I trained with L.D. Swans who had been a bare-knuckle fighter– he lived on the Great Hill too. L.D. was able to get me some fights in some of the larger towns in and around the Basin. One time, we was driving somewhere and we heard on the radio about the great Basin fighter Proverb Orsino. I remember the commentator saying something about how I was “moving north, licking opponents as they came”. I always remembered that. Felt good about that, 1982, know what I’m saying. You have any accomplishments like that, 1982? You ever get your name mentioned on your little calculator, there? You’re god damn right you don’t.

Anyway, that’s just what happened, I moved north and took on challengers and I licked them all. And then I got to Lankville City and that’s where I ran into some tough customers. There was the Lynn Dickey fight– you do any homework on that, 1982? (1982 had not). That was in the Round Garden and they had a big lavish puppet show before the fight. There was like a thousand puppets. It was some kind of a war commentary cause the war was on by then. Some of the puppets was dressed in Island uniforms, you know, with the jackboots and all that nonsense. At the end, the good puppets, the Lankvillian puppets shot a bunch of the bad puppets. Christ, they used real bullets and everything. I never did see a puppet get shot, let alone a good couple hundred of ’em. I know that because on my way into the ring I saw all the damn bullet holes in the floor, in some of the chairs– Christ, what a mess.

Anyway, Lynn Dickey wore me out. He let me hit him pretty much at will for the first three or four rounds and I was boxed out by then. Then he just jabbed me in the sternum for the entire fifth round. When I came back to the corner after the fifth, L.D. said– “Jesus, Proverb, he’s hitting you in the sternum.” And I said, “yeah, L.D. I know’s it.” But L.D. didn’t have no advice for me. He just took a big sponge that didn’t have no water on it– I mean, this sponge was dry as a bone, and rubbed it all over my jaw. It weren’t effective, I’ll say that now.

So, I come out for the sixth and it was over after thirty seconds. Just one sternum punch after another– couldn’t get my hands up. At one point, Dickey was like, “hey Proverb. Aren’t you gonna’ protect your sternum none? I feel kind of like an ass about just hitting you there over and over again.” But then he hit me in the face and I went down and that was it.

I had won 26 straight fights before that Dickey fight but then I lost four in a row. And I hated to lose, let me tell you, 1982. Hated it. I lived in a modest apartment over a bakery back in the Basin and every time I’d go back after losing, I’d tear the hell out of the place. Got so where I didn’t have anything left. And one time, the baker, Mr. Mendenhall said to me, “hey Proverb, you better quit that. Or I’ll toss you out on your ass.” And that was a wake up call. I sent a telegram to L.D. and that was that. Then I took up with Mr. Mendenhall, he gave me a nice little job. I handled the breakfast hand cakes for 22 years and then I took over the place after they came and beheaded Mr. Mendenhall. And I run it another 9 years before I sold it to some corporation. Made a nice little profit off it.

You want something else, 1982? (1982 declined and the interview was ended prematurely).

Behind the Stats with Corn Kernels

August 10, 2015 Leave a comment
By Corn Kernels

By Corn Kernels

It’s that time of year again. Leaves are falling from the trees. An assortment of mums tucked inside pots that look like pumpkins are on sale everywhere for $24.99. Corn maze magnates are busy engineering not-everywhere-you-look kinds of pumpkins like pumpkins distinguished by their thick and sturdy stems, plus polar bears, crystal stars, and Island Cheese. And lucky children don shoulder pads or pom-poms, because Football season is in the air.

Billy begs dad to let him try out for the team. Corn stalks are $3.99 a bunch. Janey comes home after sorting out prepicked pumpkins, which, price-wise, look to be good this year, then locks herself in her décor chamber to work on her splits. Everybody is excited about next weekend’s big game. But what do we really know about football? I’m professional quarterback Corn Kernels, and I’m here to take you Behind the Stats.

We’ll start today by looking at the most misunderstood position in all football: quarterback. And here at Behind the Stats we don’t pull any punches, so let’s get right to it: contrary to popular belief, QB play is irrelevant to team success. Sound crazy? Drive to Ed and Millie Awald’s farm and take a gander at their all-white pumpkins (!) which are good for carving or for displaying on your front steps, and you tell me what’s really crazy. The hard truth is that quarterback play is negatively correlated to team success. Keep that in mind when tallying up your favorite team’s record over the last four seasons.

unnamedAn even greater misunderstanding arises around the role a quarterback’s father plays in team success. Football 101: it is the QB father’s duty to be in the stands, wearing his son’s jersey, showing all the love and support he withheld throughout his daily life. If a wide-open receiver is underthrown by 10 yards, look to the stands: where’s the quarterback’s father, ask yourself? What did he have to do that’s more important than watching his own flesh and blood on game day? Is he drunk? You bet he’s drunk, and making it rain with his son’s money, feeding the pumpkin catapult with whopper after whopper, five dollars a pop, all to impress the farm’s seasonably-employed females. “If only my son had an arm like that,” he’ll quip as the massive rig slings ten-pounders, “Oh now you wanna launch a white pumpkin?,” he’ll ask with a squint. Before they can respond, he’ll pull down his trousers and bend over “how’s this for a white pumpkin?” and he’ll laugh with his upside-down face between his legs like a grinning jack-o’-lantern while all the girls give a playful slap before taking him back behind the goat-mosh. You want to know why his son is just 3-for-11 with two interceptions in the first half? Go and see for yourself. And when you do, tell him all his son ever wanted was for his father to be proud of him. All he ever wanted was for dad to say, “Son, you played a heckuva game, let’s take that hayride you wanted,” and to give a boost and then sit beside him, put his arm around, and say, “Son, I know I don’t say it enough, and I know I’m a tough old bastard, but when I criticize you, or work you over, it’s because I care about you. It’s because I love you, son. And that’s never gonna change no matter what.”

And that’s this week’s X’s and O’s with Corn Kernels! Where we go Behind the Stats.

Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists

July 17, 2015 Leave a comment

Gene “Tea-Sipper” Supps (1936-1944, 21W 3L, 12KO)

Gene "Sippin-Tea" Supps, 1938

Gene “Tea-Sipper” Supps, 1938

I really got no memory of how I came to be a fighter. I was born on a mountain and we had this little one-room schoolhouse and it was without fire. And the professor was a little man from over the next mountain and he had a thing about shapes. He wanted us to know all the shapes. “I don’t care if you come out of here with no knowledge at all,” he would say. “Long as you know your shapes.”

So anyways, he was going on about the shapes and then these two men come in and they scanned the room. And the one man, he pointed to me and the other man came and picked me up by the collar. And the next thing I knew, I was on a big gunboat.

And they said, “See if you can lick everyone on this ship.” So, I fought a bunch of ’em in a makeshift ring they had set up including a couple of big Chunkers*.  And the one man, he nodded the whole time and it turned out later that he was the old bare-knuckled fighter Skip Binders.  Skip was with me for my first couple of fights until they cut his head off.

One time, I sipped some tea before a fight.  And one guy said, “Look at that hillbilly.  He’s a tea-sipper.”  And a couple of days later they put that name on a poster and I thought, “Well, that’s that.  It’s on a poster now.”  So, after that, I was always introduced as Gene “Tea-Sipper” Supps.

I won my first five professional fights all by knockout and then I come up against the Moderately-Portlyweight Champion at the time, Buddy Weisko, from the Teets Islands.  Weisko had a funny way of fighting where he’d bend over at the waist so he was looking at your shoes.  I just pounded him on the back until his kidneys gave out and they stopped the fight.  So, I got the Moderately-Portlyweight championship in 1938.

I defended it six times and then I lost it about 1941.  That bout was against Kid Vanilla at Lankville Round Garden.  It was a main event and we followed a big clown show.  I was beating Kid Vanilla on points going through eight rounds.  When I came out for the 9th, I swear to The Ghost that the Kid had something on his gloves.  Next thing I know, I couldn’t see none.  And that was that.  Kid Vanilla pounded me all over the body and then on the chin and I was blind as a bat.  I went down into the ropes and it was all over.

Course, we protested but the commission couldn’t find any wrongdoing.  Years later, when the Kid was dying in the hospital, I went and saw him.  I said, “Kid, you had something on your gloves, didn’t ya?”  He said, “Yeah, I’m sorry Tea-Sipper.  They made me bleach my gloves.”  I thought about that for awhile and then I left but later I came back and punched him in the face.  I think he died a couple of days later.

I retired in 1944.  I haven’t done nothing since.  I mean, nothing.  Just sitting in chairs.  I sit in chairs all the time.

Oral Histories of former pugilists will continue in future issues.

*Derogatory term for those hailing from the Chunk Islands, 125 miles southwest of Lankville.

McLemore to Defend Small Motel Girl Wrestling Title Tonight

June 25, 2015 Leave a comment
Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

Small motel girl wrestler Tandy McLemore, who has successfully defended her title six times this past year, will meet the Sensational Xenith in a one-fall finish title match at the El Patio Motel in Capital City tonight.

Tandy McLemore, Champion.

Tandy McLemore, Champion.

Miss McLemore has defeated every small motel girl wrestler of note since acquiring the crown earlier this year. The Sensational Xenith figures to test the champion to the limit tonight and an exciting match is in prospect, with all the hair-pulling, punching and nudity usually in evidence when two members of the deadlier sex collide.

“I don’t think I’ll have too much problem with Xenith,” McLemore noted at a press conference held this morning in the office of the El Patio Motel. “She’s a good [small motel girl] wrestler but she doesn’t have that sixth sense one needs in this game. She tripped over a hassock in her last match– that’s a rookie mistake, we all know it.”

Xenith, either 20 or 35, believes she will win.

“Tandy is a good [small motel girl] wrestler but I’ve studied the films and I believe she can be beaten. If you get her in a corner by a floor lamp, she can’t get out.”

Promoters have asserted that both [small motel girl] wrestlers are virgins.

“Yep, both virgins,” noted Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings. “Got the papers and everything. They’re in the car though. I’ll get ’em later.”

Cummings wandered off and the interview ended prematurely.

Three one-fall preliminary bouts featuring local bone benders, will complete the program. Tickets still remain although most are limited to standing room against the wall by the bureau.

Registration for Lankville Marathon Now Open!

January 5, 2015 Leave a comment
Sports by Watts Prisinski

Sports by Watts Prisinski

Sweeping vistas of the famous Mud Pits greet you at the start of this race, which rolls downhill into the canyon of the Lankville Animal Hunting and Conservation Area and across a series of pontoon bridges into the Southern Exotic Islands. There you’ll encounter majestic Caramel Dragons, all manner of flora and fauna, and Cousin Billy’s Auto-fetish Sculpture Garden before you climb gently back up into Outer Lankville, crossing the freeway and scampering through quaint village streets as race enthusiasts alternately cheer and taunt you, before closing in on the exciting finish in historic Pondicherry Square.

The freeway will be closed intermittently during the race.

GOOD TO KNOW: Beginning at mile 10, runners wind through “Pork Glitter Alley,” part of the Vitiello Decorative Ham Compound and Emporium, a major marathon sponsor. Decorative Ham workers motivate racers by spraying them with swine fluids and liquid Puffy Soap before releasing buckets of decorative glitter over them just as they emerge from the alley at mile 13.

Artist's rendering of Lankville marathoners moving through "Pork Glitter Alley".

Artist’s rendering of Lankville marathoners moving through “Pork Glitter Alley”.

TIP FROM ASSISTANT TO THE RACE DIRECTOR: The race route will once again traverse The Woods, despite the recent Incident reported by Daily News correspondent Sarah Samways. It was the only way to avoid The Swamp, according to Scooby Drexler of the Committee on Natural Entertainments. Reached at his vacation tent in the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions, historian Glenn Ogilvie adds, “It’s tradition.”

BEEN THERE, FUN THAT: Miles 18-22 can be a bit tedious, according to Deejay Humphrey, who has finished last in the race an unprecedented four times. That is because soon after mile 18, runners must go single-file through a chute where select family members and figures from the past whisper grievances into their ears. “I always break down at mile 21 when Darlene hisses at me about our bad breakup and about how I tried to drive a car into her,” Humphrey admits. Having run that gauntlet, however, racers’ spirits are raised all the more by the site of enthusiasts crowding the course as it funnels into Old Lankville.

Sign up now to ensure your Official Vitiello Decorative Ham Sponsorship Jersey! The Lankville Marathon takes place on April 15, 2015.

The Bowlers of Lankville: A History

December 21, 2014 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

There is ample evidence of bowling in Lankville (originally known as “rocks”) as far back as the year -64,000. Archaeologists, working in some wet caves, have found wall paintings depicting small men rolling a rock down a rocky lane into some rocks. “They called it “rocks” and later “bowllsing,” said noted historian Glenn Ogilvie of the University of Southern Lankville. “Bowllsing was popular in specific areas of Lankville all the way down to the Lankville Empire. Various emperors promoted the sport and even had lanes in their summer palaces”. Ogilvie suddenly fell out of his chair and died and was then shot.

The history of bowllsing is hard to trace during the Crepuscular Ages (app. +400- +1200) but emerged as a relatively popular pastime during the Lankville Reformation. “There were no religious connotations attached to the slinging of balls into hard shafts, or pins as they later came to be known,” said noted sports historian B.J. Wilkens, who was interviewed while collecting seashells on a local beach. “Therefore, everyone could enjoy the sport. During the Counter-Reformation, the name was changed to “bowling”, for reasons unclear,” Wilkens added.  The historian then continued his collecting (or, at least, what he considered collecting). Really, he was just putting sand in a bucket. When the bucket became overloaded, he would accidentally on purpose drop a great load of it and exclaim loudly, “Why, I’ve gone and dropped some of my seashells!” It was frankly very obvious where this little game of his was going.

"Little Eddie" Browny from an 1845 portrait.

“Little Eddie” Browny from an 1845 portrait.

The first famous Lankville bowler was undoubtedly “Little Eddie” Browny of the Small Lankville Nearby Islands.

Browny rolled the first recorded perfect game in 1827 and compiled a sparkling 288 average over his 15-year career. “My ancestor, “Little Eddie” was a great traveler, introducing the sport of bowling to several distant places like the Outer Depths, the Desert regions and the Big Mystery Savannah,” said distant relative Jean Kittsle, 92, of Eastern Lankville. “We have some of his letters where he talked about its health benefits, how to maximize the use of poor people pin-setting help and possible future innovations.” In his 1842 pamphlet Bowling: 2000, Browny wrote:

“Perspiration upon the hands is a great hindrance to the master bowler. I envision a device wherein cool air might be blown upon the bowler’s hands to relieve this worriment thereby dispensing with the need for powders, oils, and thick greasy compounds. These toiletries might then be kept at home in a convenient bedside drawer where they belong.”

Unfortunately, Browny did not live long enough to see the great spectacle of the first Pan-Lankville Bowling Tournament held in 1879 (Browny was murdered in a tent in 1850). The “Browny” Tournament was won that year by the great William Heins, champion for three consecutive seasons and the author of at least ten perfect games.

Rudy Cheps in 1952.

Rudy Cheps in 1952.

By the 20th-century, bowling became inordinately popular all throughout Lankville. The first true celebrity bowler was the long-time champion Rudy Cheps, who won his first title in 1942 and went undefeated through his retirement in 1955. “I grew up on a farm and I would pass the time rolling hogsheads down hills,” noted Cheps in an interview in 1982. “I got real good at rolling those hogsheads down hills and I think it prepared me for a career in bowling.” Cheps was the first bowler to be featured on television and was a big part of the LBS’ (Lankville Broadcasting System) popular program Commodious World of Sport which began airing in 1952. “I was asked to be on Commodious World of Sport several times and they broadcast a bunch of my games,” said Cheps. “I was interviewed by several notable announcers at the time, traveled all over Lankville, made a lot of money.” Cheps was also known for his enjoyment of the high life. “Yeah, I spent a lot of money, went to all the big shows, all the movie openings, always was one with the ladies. But after awhile, I got tired of the whole scene. You know, you can only jack up so much bare ass before you get tired of it. So, I retired. Went back to the farm.”

Bowling waned in popularity after Cheps’ abandonment of the title. “An enigmatic figure really did not appear after Cheps,” noted Commodious World of Sport reporter Larry Gorman-Thomas. “You had a bunch of nobodies– twenty-some different champs in 15 years. Never gave the public anything to grab a hold of. We stopped broadcasting the sport in 1975 or so.”

In 1982, bowling was removed from the Official Lankville Register of Popular Games. Today, it survives strictly as an amateur entertainment.

SPORT FINAL

December 9, 2014 Leave a comment
By Chandler Crystals

By Chandler Crystals

UPDATABLES IS LINGUS NETS CHAMP

A crowd of 49,254 saw Dennis Updatables (18-2) top DeWayne Buice (17-4) to capture the 2014 Lankville Lingus Nets Championship at Chambers Company Hand Drill Arena in Western Lankville.

Updatables deposited 27 sacks en route to victory. Buice deposited 24.

Lingus Nets

Updatables deposits one of his 27 sacks en route to victory.

“DeWayne had actually gotten ahead of me a little bit– he had deposited a great number of his Lingus sacks but I noticed that he was short on putting away some of his nets,” commented Updatables who was awarded prize money, food and some hand drills for his victory. “I took that opportunity to fill in some of the decoy holes I had established and rolled two of the smaller size Lingus Balls into the Lingus Hut. By then it was over.”

“He’s a tough opponent,” noted Buice, who fell to 17-4 after the loss. “He’s [sic] has colossal energy out there [on the Lingus Nets court] and it’s hard to match that diabolical, almost satanic level of defense. Yet, his probity is beyond reproach. It’s a conundrum.”

SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING UPDATE

A series of matches at the Kent Motel on the western coast of Lankville have been announced for January.

Shenna Catalay-Sisters will take on “Tara” on January 5th at 11PM in Room 218 (use back stairwell). The Pink Punisher will then battle Shirley Rayford on January 12th at 11PM. Both are virgins and one is foreign.

“These matches are the matches that the institution of Small Motel Girl Wrestling tried to stop,” noted promoter Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings. “Sometimes, a person has to go through hell to seek salvation,” Cummings added. “These beauties will go through hell and we’ll have a concession stand also.”

Limited seating is available.

9-YEAR OLD CHILD MAKES DEBUT

Dennis Clean-System

Dennis Clean-System

A 9-year old child made his debut last night in the Lankville Hockey League.

The child, Dennis Clean-System, played two minutes for the Terrifying Bats.

“We’ve been beating the bushes for talent,” said Bats manager Jimmy “Apple Cakes” Quizzler, who watched as his club allowed 7 goals and fell to 2-21.  “Someone told me about this small child, I was drunk, and I signed him up.  That’s pretty much how it happened.”

Moderately exciting LHL action will continue tonight as the Crisply Moving Bisons will take on the Eastern Hill Shaded Copses at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.

Today in Small Motel Girl Wrestling

December 2, 2014 Leave a comment
By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

The Horn of Comfy Motel in Breezetown, Eastern Lankville was the sight of a spirited bout last Saturday as two “virgins” took to the carpet. Indeed, the veracity of this claim was doubted by many onlookers and a grumble issued forth from the crowd until promoter Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings stepped up onto a folding chair and addressed the throng.

“Boys,” he said in his distinctive Northern Hole accent. “These girls are virgins. I have their papers.”

This seemed to pacify the crowd and after a short (and abominable) juggling display, the two virgins made their way into the room.

Sammy "The Cylinder" Cummings: "Boys, I've Got their Papers".

Sammy “The Cylinder” Cummings: Small Motel Girl Wrestling promoter.

“Boys, I’d like to introduce you to Xenith and Flora,” said Cummings, as the beauties positioned themselves on opposite sides of the room. “These girls are two battling virgins who are ready to fight to the death, ready to inflict any and all amount of pain in their quest to be champion. This, boys, is the match that the institution of small motel girl wrestling tried desperately to stop, the match of the year, the match of the century. Also, there are hot dogs available outside.”

At that, Xenith and Flora clinched and the crowd began their rhythmic chanting. The bills flowed freely from the pockets of all attendees as last minute bets were placed and, just as quickly, retracted.

“I knew I had a good chance to win,” Xenith, 19, commented later, once the match had been decided. “I’m much more lithe than Flora– she’s a pretty girl and all but I could tell right away that I was in better shape. I knew if I could get her over by the ottoman, then the match was over. That’s what I aimed for.”

Xenith and Flora, the two virgin small motel girl wrestling wrestlers.

Xenith and Flora, the two virgin small motel girl wrestling wrestlers.

And, indeed, that is exactly how the match of the century ended. After a series of clinches, throwdowns and general hair-pulling, Xenith was able to pin her luckless opponent against the ottoman. “I didn’t see it at all,” Flora, either 17 or 38, said later. “It flipped my legs in the air and I banged my head against that bureau. I was dazed after that.”

Xenith showed all the command of a seasoned motel wrestler in finishing her opponent off. “I pulled her body up a few times for the benefit of the boys and then took that one-piecer off in one movement. Then I got on top of her rear, worked the chin and ears, flipped her over and pounded on the torso a little. Got her weak in the stomach. Sammy called it after that.”

The crowd was, in general pleased. “Yeah, first time for me,” noted onlooker Eroc Hatts of Western Lankville. “I was attracted by the idea that they were virgins. It was light-hearted because of that.”

Hatts was later murdered.

Xenith is now preparing for her next match, set to take place at the Harvest House Inn in Southern Lankville on December 11. She will take on yet another virgin, a mysterious wrestler known only as “The Fabulous Lass” and the crowd is sure to be copious. “I’ve been studying The Lass on film,” noted Xenith, who works as a waitress during the day. “She’s got a couple of gigantic bumpers and I think I can use them against her. I think I can bring her down.”

Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists

November 30, 2014 Leave a comment
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By Victors Weese (1971-1978, 28W-16L, 14KO)

I was working nights at the bowling alley up off of 258. 258 used to be a major roadway and then they built 64 and you had to take this long-ass ramp to get down onto 258 and nobody wanted to do it. So, just about every business they had on 258 went out and, for some reason, they just bulldozed everything and put up these houses for all these god damn Chunkers* that came around and took over everything.

Anyway, I worked nights and was in charge of the counter. Served all kinds of food in there– Christ, that menu was like a beautiful, majestic food cornucopia. All that food to waste though cause people wouldn’t come down onto 258 like I was verbally illustrating before.

So anyway, one night some guys come in and they were all in suits. Seemed like they might have been gangsters but I don’t mean gangsters like them god damn Chunkers think they are, I mean real honest to goodness tough guys. And one of them came up and he said, “I won’t lie to you kid, I’ve got a real hard-on for something like a tube shape and maybe with some cheese and meat sprinkled on it. Think you can make that?” And I give it all I got and I come up with something just what he described and he watched me the whole time and then he took a bite and then he took it into the bathroom and when he come out, he didn’t have it no more but I didn’t say nothing. So, he come back up to the counter and he said, “Kid, I watched you make that tube thing back then and I gotta’ say, I mean it was good and all that shit but I was watchin’ your hands. You got good hands. Fast. Ever think about taking up boxing?”

Well, the next thing I know, I got me a manager. Clarence Sharp.

Clarence started me out in the juniors but I progressed pretty fast. My first big fight was in ’71 and that was against Curt Vogel. Curt was little but built like a barrel– I mean, just strong as some of those big women they got working at five-and-dimes. He beat me up pretty good– knocked me out in the 7th. I just couldn’t stay up.

Well, I figured on Clarence maybe dropping me then but he said it was alright. “Everybody takes their lumps,” he said. He tried some kind of parable but it didn’t hold any water, couldn’t make it stick and he knew it. We spent the rest of the evening watching something fuzzy on TV.

Next up, it was Keith Belliard. I knocked him out in the first round– he tried to bend down and pick up a pencil that had fallen out of his ear and I just went to work on the back of his head and his neck. I don’t know whatever became of Keith after that. I think maybe they’d take him out occasionally. Some girls, you know, community service, that kind of shit.

Well, I had a decent career. Look, I don’t wanna’ take up too much of your time. Clarence, he died in ’98. I used to drive up to the country and see him. He had a house by a graveyard. We’d sit out on the patio and he’d look at the graveyard and try to say something profound but it never did hold any water. I’d bring him up one of those tube meat things and he’d thank me and take it in the bathroom. I never did see them after he came back out.

I got a little place now. Nothing much– four tables, little counter. [The interviewer made fun of Weese’s lousy establishment]. Yeah, I know it. It’s alright though.

*Derogatory term for people hailing from the Chunk Islands.

Wrestling Tonight at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena

October 22, 2014 Leave a comment
By Watts Prisinski

By Watts Prisinski

 

Royer Entertainments, Inc. will host a series of wrestling matches tonight at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena- starting time is 8:15. A series of patriotic pinwheel displays followed by the release of some exquisite doves is scheduled for 7:45.

Mr. Lankville, tonight at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.

Mr. Lankville, tonight at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.

Tonight’s card features an exciting opening match between “Mr. Lankville” and Phil “TNT” Tapes. It will be the first time the two sworn enemies have tangled since last summer.

“I’m looking forward to it, it’ll be the first time I’ve seen Mr. Lankville live,” noted Royer Entertainments CEO Ric Royer, who will be granted a “Wrestling Leave Night” from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness to attend the event. “I hope one of the wrestlers dies,” Royer blurted out, before a handler suddenly whisked the enigmatic executive away to a nearby office.

Also on the card tonight will be a tilt between notorious heel Gorilla Filters and Bill “House Show” Crowley, a steel cage match featuring two Outlands wrestlers making their professional debuts and a contest between Ringo Barnaby and “The House Dog” that will take place in a special ring constructed above a gigantic pit of fire.

“We’re hoping for an evening of family fun,” noted a Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena spokesman who refused to be identified.

2,000 tickets were reported as still available at press time.

Why I Wrestle by Ric “Wild Boy” Tipps

February 4, 2014 Leave a comment

By Ric “Wild Boy” Tipps
TuckOiletteGermanWrestlers

I attended the Southern Lankville Restrained Gymnasium and later spent two years at University. I learned printmaking and spent all day making stamps. The stamps were for no purpose whatsoever, I just kept making them. The University had to buy little storage boxes for the stamps. Finally, they came in and said that that was enough of the stamps and that I could stop making them or leave. So I left.

I traveled North and it was there that I came into contact with the great old grappler Andy “The Thousand Dollar [Lankville] Man” Lezcano. Andy was really worth about a thousand [Lankville] dollars. He was a gorgeous man with a beautifully-sculpted physique. We strolled arm in arm through the boulevards, discussing great events, the thing about the stamps, theology and also knocking over people. Our favorite was when we could pop an old woman just right with our shoulder, sending her bag of groceries flying into the canal. We were hellions.

Andy and I decided to have a postcard made of us wrestling together– this is the postcard you see represented here. We spent all day picking out our trunks and Andy had his hair dyed. I will never forget the day I answered the phone. “Your postcard is ready, Mr. Tipps,” the man on the other line said. I couldn’t believe it. I just let the phone drop. My mouth was wide open and remained so for hours. Andy came along then and rolled me down to the haute papier in a wagon.

We passed that postcard out everywhere. We took it to men’s clubs, boxing gyms, salons, and billiard halls. It was arranged that we should wrestle there. I was given the sobriquet “Wild Boy” by Andy himself. “Well, you are a little wild, aren’t you boy?” he asked me, licking his lips. I became flushed and commenced with awkwardly making the bed. “Yes, yes, I suppose I am,” I said.

I suppose it was the match at the Lankville Upstairs Center for Activities that really thrust us into the public eye. We wrestled for nigh two hours and brought along special glass vials of fake blood and ooze that we broke open at intervals. By the time the match was over– it was I, indeed who triumphed– both of us were covered in blood and gore. The men were thrilled.

The next day, Brock Belvedere himself had an article about us. For a little while, we made good money on the Small Motel Girl Wrestling circuit– we’d usually spar in a downstairs room. But we couldn’t compete with those girls. The men would wander in and out of our room restlessly, waiting for the main attraction. “We ain’t no second fiddle to these broads,” Andy said one time. “We’re stars. We should be getting top billing.” I agreed but at that moment we were entering a chocolatiers and I felt it best to end the conversation.

Of course, Andy died. It was during a Challenge. That’s all I can bear to remember about it.
I still wrestle. But I experience an exquisite ennui when doing so.