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This Week in Lankville

December 9, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
Kimball J. Cranney

Kimball J. Cranney

UNMANNED SPACECRAFT LAUNCHED

A tiny, unmanned spacecraft has been launched vaguely in the direction of the last known whereabouts of lost Lankville business magnate and so-called “astronaut” Nick Del Rio.

The L.S.S. Shuttle for Cock took off from Cape Lankville sometime late last night.

“The shuttle is extremely small,” noted NASPA press secretary Gherry Ivy. “It’s windowless and about the size of a coffin and is equipped with no supplies. We don’t really expect that it will make it to wherever the hell that insufferable asshole ended up.”

“He’s probably dead,” said Ivy, an ebullient smile suddenly appearing across his otherwise solemn face. “Probably got burned up by a comet or crushed between two large asteroids, like a pair of giant space tits rumbling together to create cosmic chaos.”

Ivy was removed from the podium by NASPA executives shortly thereafter.

“INNER HAMMER” MURDERS ANOTHER PIZZA DELIVERY MAN

Frozen small pizza magnate Inner Hammer has murdered another pizza delivery man, sources are now reporting. The executive has now killed two such persons in the past week.

Gee-Temple: "I took some of the wings out of the bassinet."

Gee-Temple: “I took some of the wings out of the bassinet.”

“I must have some demons I’m not aware of,” said Inner Hammer, who laughed and joked about the incident and tossed around a spongy basketball as the mutilated carcass was removed from his Lankville Heights mansion. “Ah, it’s all in good fun.”

The victim was reported as Talbot Berries, 19, of Outer Lankville Ridge.

“I think that, from a psychological standpoint, it’s all about anxiety,” said the executive, who ordered two pizzas, a bassinet of wings and a large ceramic jug of soda from Suddenly Mama Pizza!, a popular carry-out. “I experience real anxiety because I want the foodstuffs so badly and it comes out as violence. It’s a shame,” added Inner Hammer, who then suddenly dunked the spongy basketball and pranced around, exhibiting extreme bravado.

Mr. Berries, who had been with Suddenly Mama Pizza! for two weeks, was knifed in the neck twelve times.”Everything went well,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who spent ten minutes at the scene. “I took some of the wings out of the bassinet.”

ROYER TO ADOPT “MAGICAL NAME”

Ric Royer: Hero

Ric Royer: “I am now a master magician…”

Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he has adopted the “magical name” Frater Perdurabo and that he has been advancing quickly through the ranks of what he called “The Golden Dawn”.

“It was something I was keeping a secret for awhile but I’d like to come clean to Lankville that I have been creating a splinter group of the Golden Dawn that will focus on the impending magical shit holocaust that will occur by 2020. I am now
a master magician and before long will be a full-fledged Prophet of a New Aeon”.

Royer explained that his new magical name means literally “I Will Endure” and that he began his studies under the auspices of the Yoga Premananda, whom he met in 2004 while buying a rubber raincoat. “When he came up to me the raincoat burst spontaneously into flames”, Royer added.

(The interview had to be ended when the uneven legs of Royer’s table caused an extra-large soda to spill in his lap. No one helped Royer and there was an interminable period of deep confusion and darkness).

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