Home > Cuisine by Brian Schropp > A Critical Look At The Life Of Hank Cameron, Manager Of Foodville

A Critical Look At The Life Of Hank Cameron, Manager Of Foodville

December 9, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Brian Schropp

By Brian Schropp


Please do not take this article the wrong way. I believe myself to be a reasonable person (my female relatives refer to me as a “sweet” man). It is rare that I speak ill of anyone. But the editors and readers of this paper must come to understand what type of man Hank Cameron is. Far too often, people put on a front to their neighbors, their community, and society at large which turns out to be false and in fact causes greater harm–take any of the Lankville dictators of the 19th century for example. I know the risk I am taking so everything written in this article has been thoroughly checked by myself or by members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground).

Hank Cameron (unflattering close-up file photo)

Hank Cameron (unflattering close-up file photo)

I went to speak with a few former employees of Foodville who served under the hegemony of Hank Cameron.

Shane Laksby is now a “Pizza Chef” at the “Pondside Pizza A Go Go” but was formerly a stockboy at Foodville. I caught him on a smoke break behind the pizza joint.

“Oh yeah I worked for him,” Shane said, taking a big puff of his nasty smelling hand-rolled cigarette. “SOB fired me about a year ago, he gave me a whole list of bogus reasons. I was never THAT late going into work and coming back from my break, what’s a few minutes here and there? And the pepperoni cooler is cold, dude, I mean really cold so I had to take a lot of small breaks to warm up. It makes no difference now, I found this sweet job in the pizza trade making fifty more cents an hour.”

Shane’s new manager suddenly came to the door and screamed at him to get inside so he couldn’t offer any other details.

The next former employee I went to see was Shelia Denton who use to be a Lead Grocery Bagger under Hank Cameron’s yoke. She is still unemployed so I went to see her at the Triple Caved-In Hills Apartment Complex. Yes, I know its a rough area filled with all sorts of unsavory characters. I did my best to “look the part” of living at a complex, even purchasing a cap to wear sideways. Shelia answered on the third buzzer with her newest child bouncing in her arms. “He was such a douche,” she told me over the loud voices of other kids and some roving guy in the apartment. “He said I was never quite quick enough bagging the groceries and kept holding up the line. The thing is I would get my nails done before work so I was trying to be careful. That [expletive] didn’t care, he fired me even though he knew I was about to have Little Tony here.”

Sheila Denton: Destroyed by Hank Cameron

Sheila Denton: Destroyed by Hank Cameron

“So Ms. Denton can you tell me about any other incidents? Maybe you saw him take money out of the register and pocket it? Did he ever ask you for any sexual favors?” I held my pen over my notebook hopefully.

“He might of eyed me up if I was wearing a tight outfit. Are you a cop? No, wait, you’re that breakfast sandwich boy aren’t you? The one who used to call the store all the time!!!”

Before I could respond the boyfriend (who was probably called Big Tony) came to the door. “Did I hear someone say cop? Who are you? What do you want? Wait, you’re that breakfast sandwich freak! Didn’t I beat you up a lot in high school?”

Big Tony made a grab for me but I was already moving down the hallway towards the steps. He chased me a little but luckily in the twenty plus years since high school Big Tony got big. And though I’m not the most athletic person in the world, I can be quite “nimble” as my female relatives note. I made it out of there pretty handily.

Next up, I went to see Koala Bears and Walnuts Club Accounts Manager Mitch Bowman. I had been given financial documents by a certain member of the BSU which related to the monthly statements of the club, a youth organization Hank Cameron is in charge of. Looking through these documents I found that during the month of October, 2012 the club was short $11.61. Mr. Bowman met with me in his windowless office.

“Where did you get these papers?”

“It doesn’t make any difference Mr. Bowman. Tell me about October of 2012. There was a $11.61 shortage.” I eyed him up knowingly.

Mitch Bowman: Clearly Hiding Something

Mitch Bowman: Clearly Hiding Something

“Yes, things like this happen sometimes.”
“But to have a shortage means Hank Cameron kept that money.”
“It could mean a lot of things Bri.”
“But that’s the most likely scenario.”
“It’s only $11.61.”
“That could have bought a pizza for a pizza party for the youngsters. Or even a new Walnut Badge for a hard working member?”
“Yeah sure but–”
I cut him off. That was all I needed to hear.

Finally, I went to a “neighborhood friend” of Hank Cameron who didn’t want to be named. Their families were close at one time but the events of the following story put a strain on their friendship.

“Our families would exchange gifts all the time, holidays, birthdays, mainly for the kids you know? My wife and I would really go out of our way to find good gifts, sometimes they were expensive but that was ok it was good quality. Hank had always been appreciative of this and said he did the same for our kids.”

He paused for a moment to wipe a tear forming in his eye.

Hank Cameron entering a men's bathroom. Why? (Photo by Brian Schropp)

Hank Cameron entering a men’s bathroom. Why? (Photo by Brian Schropp)

“Turns out my wife saw him down at the “Dee Less Book and Music Bargain Bin” buying gifts– that, that place for lower-class people. She said Hank was yelling at the clerk to find the most pristine copy of things. He even took a bunch of their free wrapping paper. His whole “going out of his way to find a perfect gift” was a sham. Is that what he really thinks of my kids? Getting them a $1.98 book “The Butterflies of Eastern Lankville” then saying he paid $9.95 for it!! I’m done talking about this–”

Hank’s neighbor ran inside his home sobbing. I walked away shaking my head, another good man brought down by Hank Cameron.

I know I have severely run over my word count for this article but all of this needed to come out to the public. I ask you, is Hank Cameron Manager of Foodville a good man? A man who fires teens and pregnant women? A man who steals from the “Koala Bear and Walnuts” club? A man who buys the cheapest gifts for his neighbor’s kids? Is this the type of man we want to give praise to? I leave you to answer that.

On a quick side note, has anyone heard about the bumpkins lately? Seems like the story has faded away. Email me at breakfastsandwichboy@lankvillenews.net if you have.

Until next time keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.


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