Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > New Mall to Feature Roaring Chasms of Fire

New Mall to Feature Roaring Chasms of Fire

Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere


The newly-built Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall will feature roaring chasms of fire, sources are confirming.

“People have grown tired of those tiled pools they have in most malls where the fount kind of spurts out inconsistently like a urinating grandfather,” noted architect Mike Squatch. “And all those pennies. You wouldn’t believe the Island-Person man-hours spent picking pennies out of the bottom of fountains. It’s ridiculous.”

“We have eliminated the weak-streamed fountain, pennies and Island people all in one step,” Squatch added. “With roaring chasms of fire.”

Squatch says that Southern Expansive will feature four roaring chasms of fire, placed conveniently near staircases and elevators.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

“I mean, if you want to throw a penny in one, by all means. It’s just going to get burned to hell,” Squatch noted as a giant smirk appeared across his face.

Mall Age Magazine, Lankville’s premier mall periodical, is embracing the innovation.

“There are different modes of production of fountains (i.e., fountainization) from both natural space to more complex spatialities where the fountain is socially produced,” noted Mall Age Magazine critic and editor Barry Games, who was interviewed at the edge of a copse. “What we’re seeing from Squatch is an analysis of the fountain as a three-part dialectic between everyday mall practices and perceptions, representations or theories of fountain space and then, finally, the spatial fountains of our time. It’s quite an achievement.”

Games was suddenly attacked by a lion and the interview was ended prematurely.

Southern Expansive is due to open in April.

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