Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Mouthy, Sanctimonious 24-Year Old Hasn’t Produced Any Trash in 3 Years

Mouthy, Sanctimonious 24-Year Old Hasn’t Produced Any Trash in 3 Years

Kimball J. Cranney

Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

At first glance, Gretchen Chairley seems like a typical 24-year-old post-graduate living in Lankville City. Clad in a baggy, shapeless blouse, leather vest and foreign shorts, Chairley’s style is congruent with her parent-subsidized two-bedroom apartment in a South Lankville City development.

While most of us who have jobs utilize "trash cans", Chairley has a jar.

While most of us who have jobs utilize “trash cans”, Chairley has a jar.

But a further look beyond the shabby-chic decor and exotic plants reveals something unexpected. A small jar filled with a collection of colorful wrappers, slivers of plastic, an apple and a candy cane sit atop her spotless kitchen counter.

“That’s my trash for the last three years,” she says with a smug, self-satisfied smile.

Indeed, Chairley has barely produced any garbage since she began subscribing to a “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle” three years ago. The idea behind the “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle”, developed by a series of glib, bombastic hippies in 2007, is to eliminate anything that will end up in a landfill or that cannot be pompously composted by Chairley in her self-aggrandizing smart-alecky zero-responsibility day-to-day life– a life that she pretentiously crows on about on her electronic web station site “Trash is For Dumpers”.

As an environmental studies major at Lankville City University, she felt like a “hypocrite” for nattering on about sustainability but still owning a traditional trash can. “I decided to remove plastic from my life entirely,” noted the hifalutin’ self-applauding undergraduate. “I don’t even own a toothbrush or deodorant,” she added haughtily.

Chairley talks about her la-di-da lifestyle.

Chairley talks about her la-di-da lifestyle.

That meant spending her ample free time finding alternatives to everyday items and crafting several on her own. “I spent quite a bit of time with a wood craftsman learning how to fashion a toothbrush out of oak shavings and horse hair that fell out of the horse naturally, of course,” Chairley pontificated. “I spent a ton of time just waiting around a horse for that.”

Despite her self-absorbed, imperious lifestyle, Singer says she hasn’t really changed– she’s just found alternative means to live her “better than everybody else” life.

“I don’t have to be a stereotype to live a sustainable lifestyle. I just have to be me. My taste is the same. I enjoy the same things. I just don’t make trash and I’m going to tell you all about it for many, many years.”

Chairley’s rants may also be found on scanit.com and as a mobile application on your “Reckoner”.

  1. Life Lessons Funeral Home
    March 11, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    You won’t leave any garbage when you die. Except your body. Who’s going to take it out? Better make arrangement with Life Lessons Funeral Home today. Call Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.

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