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Mouthy, Sanctimonious 24-Year Old Hasn’t Produced Any Trash in 3 Years

March 11, 2015 1 comment
Kimball J. Cranney

Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

At first glance, Gretchen Chairley seems like a typical 24-year-old post-graduate living in Lankville City. Clad in a baggy, shapeless blouse, leather vest and foreign shorts, Chairley’s style is congruent with her parent-subsidized two-bedroom apartment in a South Lankville City development.

While most of us who have jobs utilize "trash cans", Chairley has a jar.

While most of us who have jobs utilize “trash cans”, Chairley has a jar.

But a further look beyond the shabby-chic decor and exotic plants reveals something unexpected. A small jar filled with a collection of colorful wrappers, slivers of plastic, an apple and a candy cane sit atop her spotless kitchen counter.

“That’s my trash for the last three years,” she says with a smug, self-satisfied smile.

Indeed, Chairley has barely produced any garbage since she began subscribing to a “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle” three years ago. The idea behind the “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle”, developed by a series of glib, bombastic hippies in 2007, is to eliminate anything that will end up in a landfill or that cannot be pompously composted by Chairley in her self-aggrandizing smart-alecky zero-responsibility day-to-day life– a life that she pretentiously crows on about on her electronic web station site “Trash is For Dumpers”.

As an environmental studies major at Lankville City University, she felt like a “hypocrite” for nattering on about sustainability but still owning a traditional trash can. “I decided to remove plastic from my life entirely,” noted the hifalutin’ self-applauding undergraduate. “I don’t even own a toothbrush or deodorant,” she added haughtily.

Chairley talks about her la-di-da lifestyle.

Chairley talks about her la-di-da lifestyle.

That meant spending her ample free time finding alternatives to everyday items and crafting several on her own. “I spent quite a bit of time with a wood craftsman learning how to fashion a toothbrush out of oak shavings and horse hair that fell out of the horse naturally, of course,” Chairley pontificated. “I spent a ton of time just waiting around a horse for that.”

Despite her self-absorbed, imperious lifestyle, Singer says she hasn’t really changed– she’s just found alternative means to live her “better than everybody else” life.

“I don’t have to be a stereotype to live a sustainable lifestyle. I just have to be me. My taste is the same. I enjoy the same things. I just don’t make trash and I’m going to tell you all about it for many, many years.”

Chairley’s rants may also be found on scanit.com and as a mobile application on your “Reckoner”.

This Week in Lankville

December 17, 2014 Leave a comment
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

AMUSEMENT PARK UNVEILS FEATURE RIDE

In an unmarked video sent to The Lankville Daily News, a spokesperson for the highly-anticipated new amusement park “Sensational Mons Island”, revealed details of the centerpiece ride of the theme park.

Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.

Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.

The grainy “Quad-Type 7 Tape” video, which was left on the steps with the handwritten label “for news” shows a pasty gentleman at a desk delivering the following statement: “It is my duty to alert the people of Lankville that the greatest amusement ride ever will soon be available for your mounting. I cannot describe it. I mean, literally, it cannot be described in words. The ride, which will emerge from the quaking earth every night, does not subsribe to formal logic. It comes from a realm of previously unvisited imagination where formal concepts of structure and engineering are nothing more than mist and spray. Just know that you will be taken by the ride if you are willing, then you will climb seventy steps along a balustraded parapet until you reach an upside down platform that is seemingly suspended by light. A gust of nature foreign to you will then will take over and you will scream and scream and scream… with wonder! And the ride, she shall be called, The Dizzy Wizzy.”

A single bead of sweat is then seen to roll down the forehead of the spokesperson as he stares intently off to the side. A close-up is then shown of the same man with a latex-covered finger probing his mouth. The video promptly ends, and is followed by the remainder of a program about the proper etiquette for eating crabs in mixed company, which had been taped over.

HORSE QUICK (1955-2014)

Horse Quick is now dead.

Horse Quick is now dead.

Gift-giving expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Horse Quick has died. The columnist was 59.

“Mr. Quick was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “[The challenge] is a great scourge of our times. It demeans us as a people.”

Gee-Temple yawned expansively and began staring at a set of encyclopedias which were suddenly dropped into his office by a heavily-cloaked figure.

“I better look into those encyclopedias,” the intrepid detective quietly noted, as he ushered us out of his office.

News in Brief

November 21, 2014 Leave a comment
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

BUS CRYING

Bus Crying: LANKVILLE'S SLEEPING GIANT???

Bus Crying: LANKVILLE’S SLEEPING GIANT???

A high incidence of bus crying has been reported this week.

“We have a number of adolescents, looking longingly out bus windows, sobbing,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to several concerned phone calls. “We are not taking it particularly seriously and no rubric has been issued. We believe it will pass quickly.”

“Time heals all things,” the intrepid detective added, after a long silence.

BABY, HORSE HAVE TEA!

Who says horses aren’t sophisticated?

It was teatime for this baby and this horse!

It was teatime for this baby and this horse!

A baby and a horse had evening tea in the coastal town of Small Beaches yesterday afternoon. The horse– “Sergeant Hooves”, is reported to have behaved like a perfect gentleman!

The baby could not be identified. The tea set later vanished.

RANDY PENDLETON TO SPEAK HERE

Pendleton to speak.

Pendleton to speak.

Randy Pendleton will speak here, it was announced today.

“Randy will be speaking. It should be for about an hour. We are very excited,” said event co-planner Florence Littlejohn (about a 6/10, 7/10 in a dress).

Pendleton is expected to stay here for the evening and depart the following morning. His speech is expected to cover a wide range of topics.

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