Posts Tagged ‘Sensational Mons Island’

Amusement Park Opens, Consumes Many, Disappears

February 12, 2015 Leave a comment
By Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler


Blanketed under a cold grey sky, Sensational Mons Island officially opened its gates yesterday, but the much- anticipated theme park lasted only three hours before it sucked itself into the earth, carrying with it hundreds of families. According to its website, the funfair is “closed until further notice”.

Reports from those left behind state that visitors of the park were made to stand in a single file line to enter and were then picked up in groups of five by a circulating safari truck covered in claw marks and chunks. Not much could be seen from behind the towering gates other than an oblong spin ride made of stone and a bear, who strutted confidently around the perimeter wearing a feathered party mask.

About two hours after opening, onlookers behind the gate watched in horror as the entire amusement folded in on itself, swallowing the ride, the bear, the attendees and a random hubcap, leaving behind a plume of mist and a haunting scorched desert landscape.

Chilling photograph taken moments before

Chilling photograph taken moments before Sensational Mons Island was sucked into the earth.

Goateed witness Jeremiah Hannah-Luff described the scene as “wacky”, further noting, “it looked like the mouth of the earth was smoking a “J”, inhaled some people, exhaled some smoke. And man when that smoke cleared there was nothing there, man.” Hannah-Luff was later held down by our news team and branded with the Mark of the Fool.

Other witnesses were more distraught. “It’s a shame that it gobbled up our people,” noted bystander Leland Indiana. “I hope we get them back, but gotta say, I was also really looking forward to the chocolate fountain that was highlighted in the park brochure. Never seen a real chocolate fountain before. Just that bogus one they tout at the Lankville Economy Standard Mall. Everyone knows that one is just an illusion created by mirrors and lighting. Brown lighting.”

Detective Gee Temple was called to the scene, looked left, right, then shrugged and drove off.

An email sent to Sensation Mons Island regarding the likelihood of the return of the hundreds of people taken under by and then sealed into the barren earth and a request for the status of the chocolate fountain had not been answered by press time.

Leaked Drawings of Theme Park Expose a Subterranean Dream Hell

January 10, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk


After local residents voiced suspicion over the fact that no visible signs of construction have taken place on the infertile heath where the privately-owned and operated theme park, Sensational Mons Island, was planned for completion in March, city officials pressed for the status of the development of the project.

In response, a theme park representative recently mailed a pencil drawing to President Pondicherry’s office outlining the layout for the theme park. The blueprints that were sent just had an arrow pointing to a circle indicating where the line of people are to enter the park.


Blueprint of theme park mailed to President Pondicherry’s office. Note the “line of people” and the circle representing the entirety of the theme park.

Unsatisfied with these drawings, the internet vigilante, known only as Internonymous (aka Lankville Daily News correspondent Zack Keebaugh), released sketches he reportedly discovered by doing an internet search for “real Sensational Mons Island Blueprints” (boolean). The sketches reveal an otherwordly hell fantasia that could not be reproduced within this article because its arcane architectural proportions requires two monitors and a prism to view in its entirety. According to the drawings, the theme park consists of just one ride (hellish), a pit, and a bear.

Internonymous later commented that the drawings “bore a dang hole in my brain and filled it with voodoo. This shit is the end of science, man. I kinda wish I never found those freaky blueprints, and so does my mom ’cause I’ve been keeping her up all night pacing back and forth, you know? I live upstairs from her and- ” (we hung up at that point).

At press time, officials at Sensational Mons Island had not responded to the fliers that we put up in the woods asking for more information.

This Week in Lankville

December 17, 2014 Leave a comment
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney



In an unmarked video sent to The Lankville Daily News, a spokesperson for the highly-anticipated new amusement park “Sensational Mons Island”, revealed details of the centerpiece ride of the theme park.

Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.

Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.

The grainy “Quad-Type 7 Tape” video, which was left on the steps with the handwritten label “for news” shows a pasty gentleman at a desk delivering the following statement: “It is my duty to alert the people of Lankville that the greatest amusement ride ever will soon be available for your mounting. I cannot describe it. I mean, literally, it cannot be described in words. The ride, which will emerge from the quaking earth every night, does not subsribe to formal logic. It comes from a realm of previously unvisited imagination where formal concepts of structure and engineering are nothing more than mist and spray. Just know that you will be taken by the ride if you are willing, then you will climb seventy steps along a balustraded parapet until you reach an upside down platform that is seemingly suspended by light. A gust of nature foreign to you will then will take over and you will scream and scream and scream… with wonder! And the ride, she shall be called, The Dizzy Wizzy.”

A single bead of sweat is then seen to roll down the forehead of the spokesperson as he stares intently off to the side. A close-up is then shown of the same man with a latex-covered finger probing his mouth. The video promptly ends, and is followed by the remainder of a program about the proper etiquette for eating crabs in mixed company, which had been taped over.

HORSE QUICK (1955-2014)

Horse Quick is now dead.

Horse Quick is now dead.

Gift-giving expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Horse Quick has died. The columnist was 59.

“Mr. Quick was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “[The challenge] is a great scourge of our times. It demeans us as a people.”

Gee-Temple yawned expansively and began staring at a set of encyclopedias which were suddenly dropped into his office by a heavily-cloaked figure.

“I better look into those encyclopedias,” the intrepid detective quietly noted, as he ushered us out of his office.

News in Brief

November 7, 2014 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere



An unidentified creature was found murdered today near a wooded area in the Lankville Plains. It is rumored that several pitchforks were sticking out of the carcass.

"The Thrill Ball"-- another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.

“The Thrill Ball”– another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.

“I’m not going to comment on the pitchfork business,” noted Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene. “The creature was partially cooked and is definitely not human and also not animal but that’s not the first time we’ve seen things like this in Lankville. You boys know that,” the intrepid Detective added.

Construction workers discovered the body as they were clearing the area to begin work on a new 40-acre theme park slated to open in the spring.

“Sensational Mons Island” will feature four thrill rides, seven games, a challenge tent and a cave bear. A press release issued by a mysterious source known only as “The Berube of Mons Island” stated that the park will be the first of its kind to offer free banana chips. These chips are edible but can also be used as tokens to enjoy rides, play games or to feed the cave bear.

Executives at Sensational Mons Island, Inc. did not respond to repeated phone calls.


Business magnate Ric Royer is improving after an incident with a cake two nights ago that left him severely burned and even attended a pizza party last night for inner-city Lankville youths.

“Pizza is man’s great equalizer,” the executive said during a short ceremony. “It brings people of races and colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, pizza is a great healer.”

Royer stayed for the duration of the event and ate more pizza than anyone else.


David Hadbawnik’s recent article on the proper disposal of pumpkins crashed The Lankville Daily News’ website, the News is reporting.

Everyone loved Hadbawnik's pumpkin article.

Everyone loved Hadbawnik’s pumpkin article.

“It was our most popular article of the year,” noted senior editor Marles Cundiff.  “Literally, hundreds of thousands of people tried to gain access to the article at one time. Our site exploded.”

Area newsstands and magazine shops are reporting a similar run on the print issue.

“We sold out in 15 seconds, once people realized there was an article on how to properly dispose of pumpkins inside,” said Jackie Keys, owner of Keys’ Newspapers and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville.

Hadbawnik was pleasantly surprised.

“I knew the article would touch a nerve but I didn’t think it would be as popular as it has been. Hopefully, it fosters a sense of community and helps people make their homes beautiful for the holidays,” the columnist said, in a prepared statement.

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