Archive
Amusement Park Opens, Consumes Many, Disappears
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Blanketed under a cold grey sky, Sensational Mons Island officially opened its gates yesterday, but the much- anticipated theme park lasted only three hours before it sucked itself into the earth, carrying with it hundreds of families. According to its website, the funfair is “closed until further notice”.
Reports from those left behind state that visitors of the park were made to stand in a single file line to enter and were then picked up in groups of five by a circulating safari truck covered in claw marks and chunks. Not much could be seen from behind the towering gates other than an oblong spin ride made of stone and a bear, who strutted confidently around the perimeter wearing a feathered party mask.
About two hours after opening, onlookers behind the gate watched in horror as the entire amusement folded in on itself, swallowing the ride, the bear, the attendees and a random hubcap, leaving behind a plume of mist and a haunting scorched desert landscape.
Chilling photograph taken moments before Sensational Mons Island was sucked into the earth.
Goateed witness Jeremiah Hannah-Luff described the scene as “wacky”, further noting, “it looked like the mouth of the earth was smoking a “J”, inhaled some people, exhaled some smoke. And man when that smoke cleared there was nothing there, man.” Hannah-Luff was later held down by our news team and branded with the Mark of the Fool.
Other witnesses were more distraught. “It’s a shame that it gobbled up our people,” noted bystander Leland Indiana. “I hope we get them back, but gotta say, I was also really looking forward to the chocolate fountain that was highlighted in the park brochure. Never seen a real chocolate fountain before. Just that bogus one they tout at the Lankville Economy Standard Mall. Everyone knows that one is just an illusion created by mirrors and lighting. Brown lighting.”
Detective Gee Temple was called to the scene, looked left, right, then shrugged and drove off.
An email sent to Sensation Mons Island regarding the likelihood of the return of the hundreds of people taken under by and then sealed into the barren earth and a request for the status of the chocolate fountain had not been answered by press time.
Leaked Drawings of Theme Park Expose a Subterranean Dream Hell
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
After local residents voiced suspicion over the fact that no visible signs of construction have taken place on the infertile heath where the privately-owned and operated theme park, Sensational Mons Island, was planned for completion in March, city officials pressed for the status of the development of the project.
In response, a theme park representative recently mailed a pencil drawing to President Pondicherry’s office outlining the layout for the theme park. The blueprints that were sent just had an arrow pointing to a circle indicating where the line of people are to enter the park.
Blueprint of theme park mailed to President Pondicherry’s office. Note the “line of people” and the circle representing the entirety of the theme park.
Unsatisfied with these drawings, the internet vigilante, known only as Internonymous (aka Lankville Daily News correspondent Zack Keebaugh), released sketches he reportedly discovered by doing an internet search for “real Sensational Mons Island Blueprints” (boolean). The sketches reveal an otherwordly hell fantasia that could not be reproduced within this article because its arcane architectural proportions requires two monitors and a prism to view in its entirety. According to the drawings, the theme park consists of just one ride (hellish), a pit, and a bear.
Internonymous later commented that the drawings “bore a dang hole in my brain and filled it with voodoo. This shit is the end of science, man. I kinda wish I never found those freaky blueprints, and so does my mom ’cause I’ve been keeping her up all night pacing back and forth, you know? I live upstairs from her and- ” (we hung up at that point).
At press time, officials at Sensational Mons Island had not responded to the fliers that we put up in the woods asking for more information.
This Week in Lankville
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
AMUSEMENT PARK UNVEILS FEATURE RIDE
In an unmarked video sent to The Lankville Daily News, a spokesperson for the highly-anticipated new amusement park “Sensational Mons Island”, revealed details of the centerpiece ride of the theme park.
Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.
The grainy “Quad-Type 7 Tape” video, which was left on the steps with the handwritten label “for news” shows a pasty gentleman at a desk delivering the following statement: “It is my duty to alert the people of Lankville that the greatest amusement ride ever will soon be available for your mounting. I cannot describe it. I mean, literally, it cannot be described in words. The ride, which will emerge from the quaking earth every night, does not subsribe to formal logic. It comes from a realm of previously unvisited imagination where formal concepts of structure and engineering are nothing more than mist and spray. Just know that you will be taken by the ride if you are willing, then you will climb seventy steps along a balustraded parapet until you reach an upside down platform that is seemingly suspended by light. A gust of nature foreign to you will then will take over and you will scream and scream and scream… with wonder! And the ride, she shall be called, The Dizzy Wizzy.”
A single bead of sweat is then seen to roll down the forehead of the spokesperson as he stares intently off to the side. A close-up is then shown of the same man with a latex-covered finger probing his mouth. The video promptly ends, and is followed by the remainder of a program about the proper etiquette for eating crabs in mixed company, which had been taped over.
HORSE QUICK (1955-2014)
Horse Quick is now dead.
Gift-giving expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Horse Quick has died. The columnist was 59.
“Mr. Quick was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “[The challenge] is a great scourge of our times. It demeans us as a people.”
Gee-Temple yawned expansively and began staring at a set of encyclopedias which were suddenly dropped into his office by a heavily-cloaked figure.
“I better look into those encyclopedias,” the intrepid detective quietly noted, as he ushered us out of his office.
News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
THEME PARK TO OFFER BANANA CHIPS
An unidentified creature was found murdered today near a wooded area in the Lankville Plains. It is rumored that several pitchforks were sticking out of the carcass.
“The Thrill Ball”– another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.
“I’m not going to comment on the pitchfork business,” noted Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene. “The creature was partially cooked and is definitely not human and also not animal but that’s not the first time we’ve seen things like this in Lankville. You boys know that,” the intrepid Detective added.
Construction workers discovered the body as they were clearing the area to begin work on a new 40-acre theme park slated to open in the spring.
“Sensational Mons Island” will feature four thrill rides, seven games, a challenge tent and a cave bear. A press release issued by a mysterious source known only as “The Berube of Mons Island” stated that the park will be the first of its kind to offer free banana chips. These chips are edible but can also be used as tokens to enjoy rides, play games or to feed the cave bear.
Executives at Sensational Mons Island, Inc. did not respond to repeated phone calls.
ROYER IMPROVING; ATTENDS PIZZA PARTY
Business magnate Ric Royer is improving after an incident with a cake two nights ago that left him severely burned and even attended a pizza party last night for inner-city Lankville youths.
“Pizza is man’s great equalizer,” the executive said during a short ceremony. “It brings people of races and colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, pizza is a great healer.”
Royer stayed for the duration of the event and ate more pizza than anyone else.
HADBAWNIK PUMPKIN ARTICLE CRASHES WEBSITE
David Hadbawnik’s recent article on the proper disposal of pumpkins crashed The Lankville Daily News’ website, the News is reporting.
Everyone loved Hadbawnik’s pumpkin article.
“It was our most popular article of the year,” noted senior editor Marles Cundiff. “Literally, hundreds of thousands of people tried to gain access to the article at one time. Our site exploded.”
Area newsstands and magazine shops are reporting a similar run on the print issue.
“We sold out in 15 seconds, once people realized there was an article on how to properly dispose of pumpkins inside,” said Jackie Keys, owner of Keys’ Newspapers and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville.
Hadbawnik was pleasantly surprised.
“I knew the article would touch a nerve but I didn’t think it would be as popular as it has been. Hopefully, it fosters a sense of community and helps people make their homes beautiful for the holidays,” the columnist said, in a prepared statement.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK