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This Week in Lankville

December 17, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

AMUSEMENT PARK UNVEILS FEATURE RIDE

In an unmarked video sent to The Lankville Daily News, a spokesperson for the highly-anticipated new amusement park “Sensational Mons Island”, revealed details of the centerpiece ride of the theme park.

Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.

Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.

The grainy “Quad-Type 7 Tape” video, which was left on the steps with the handwritten label “for news” shows a pasty gentleman at a desk delivering the following statement: “It is my duty to alert the people of Lankville that the greatest amusement ride ever will soon be available for your mounting. I cannot describe it. I mean, literally, it cannot be described in words. The ride, which will emerge from the quaking earth every night, does not subsribe to formal logic. It comes from a realm of previously unvisited imagination where formal concepts of structure and engineering are nothing more than mist and spray. Just know that you will be taken by the ride if you are willing, then you will climb seventy steps along a balustraded parapet until you reach an upside down platform that is seemingly suspended by light. A gust of nature foreign to you will then will take over and you will scream and scream and scream… with wonder! And the ride, she shall be called, The Dizzy Wizzy.”

A single bead of sweat is then seen to roll down the forehead of the spokesperson as he stares intently off to the side. A close-up is then shown of the same man with a latex-covered finger probing his mouth. The video promptly ends, and is followed by the remainder of a program about the proper etiquette for eating crabs in mixed company, which had been taped over.

HORSE QUICK (1955-2014)

Horse Quick is now dead.

Horse Quick is now dead.

Gift-giving expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Horse Quick has died. The columnist was 59.

“Mr. Quick was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “[The challenge] is a great scourge of our times. It demeans us as a people.”

Gee-Temple yawned expansively and began staring at a set of encyclopedias which were suddenly dropped into his office by a heavily-cloaked figure.

“I better look into those encyclopedias,” the intrepid detective quietly noted, as he ushered us out of his office.

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