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News in Brief

November 7, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

THEME PARK TO OFFER BANANA CHIPS

An unidentified creature was found murdered today near a wooded area in the Lankville Plains. It is rumored that several pitchforks were sticking out of the carcass.

"The Thrill Ball"-- another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.

“The Thrill Ball”– another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.

“I’m not going to comment on the pitchfork business,” noted Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene. “The creature was partially cooked and is definitely not human and also not animal but that’s not the first time we’ve seen things like this in Lankville. You boys know that,” the intrepid Detective added.

Construction workers discovered the body as they were clearing the area to begin work on a new 40-acre theme park slated to open in the spring.

“Sensational Mons Island” will feature four thrill rides, seven games, a challenge tent and a cave bear. A press release issued by a mysterious source known only as “The Berube of Mons Island” stated that the park will be the first of its kind to offer free banana chips. These chips are edible but can also be used as tokens to enjoy rides, play games or to feed the cave bear.

Executives at Sensational Mons Island, Inc. did not respond to repeated phone calls.

ROYER IMPROVING; ATTENDS PIZZA PARTY

Business magnate Ric Royer is improving after an incident with a cake two nights ago that left him severely burned and even attended a pizza party last night for inner-city Lankville youths.

“Pizza is man’s great equalizer,” the executive said during a short ceremony. “It brings people of races and colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, pizza is a great healer.”

Royer stayed for the duration of the event and ate more pizza than anyone else.

HADBAWNIK PUMPKIN ARTICLE CRASHES WEBSITE

David Hadbawnik’s recent article on the proper disposal of pumpkins crashed The Lankville Daily News’ website, the News is reporting.

Everyone loved Hadbawnik's pumpkin article.

Everyone loved Hadbawnik’s pumpkin article.

“It was our most popular article of the year,” noted senior editor Marles Cundiff.  “Literally, hundreds of thousands of people tried to gain access to the article at one time. Our site exploded.”

Area newsstands and magazine shops are reporting a similar run on the print issue.

“We sold out in 15 seconds, once people realized there was an article on how to properly dispose of pumpkins inside,” said Jackie Keys, owner of Keys’ Newspapers and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville.

Hadbawnik was pleasantly surprised.

“I knew the article would touch a nerve but I didn’t think it would be as popular as it has been. Hopefully, it fosters a sense of community and helps people make their homes beautiful for the holidays,” the columnist said, in a prepared statement.

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