Archive
Gelsinger to Buy Famed “Allure Club”
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION BUSINESS NEWS YES!
Notable Lankville businessman Eric Gelsinger announced today that he will be purchasing the famed “Allure Club” which caters to “adult entertainments”.
The club, which opened in 1955, was the home for many years of the popular burlesque performers “Lady Linda” and “Jingly Teri”. Several hundred small motel girl wrestling matches were held at the Allure during the Motel Strike of 1975.
“That pushed the value up for me,” noted Gelsinger, who was placing a large protective cone over the shaft of a backyard birdfeeder. “I love adult dancing and small motel girl wrestling. It’s a place of great historical value.”
Gelsinger suddenly dropped and then accidentally tread on the protective cone, crushing it nearly in half. A series of squirrels appeared shortly thereafter and devoured the feeder’s supply of seed.
“Do you see the fucking shit I put up with?” the former stockbroker was heard to ask in consternation.
The Allure Club.
The Allure Club recently found itself in the middle of a long legal battle causing former owner Wilt Cummings to put the business up for sale.
“We had a number of do-gooder types who wanted us out of the neighborhood just cause of the tits and the shootings and all,” noted Cummings, who had owned the Allure since 1969. “I think Mr. Gelsingles [sic] will get a kick out of owning the place. I know I did.”
Cummings began leering at a gaudy pamphlet and the interview was ended prematurely.
“I don’t know who the hell [Wilt Cummings] is,” said Gelsinger, when asked about the sale. “But I looked at a photo of him on the internet and I thought, this is a sincere looking guy. I appreciate sincerity.”
The final sale price of The Allure Club is unknown.
“Once you own four gentlemen’s clubs, you might as well pick up a fifth,” Gelsinger explained. “Four of something is better than five unless, of course, we’re talking about backyard common squirrels.” The magnate gave out a wide-eyed laugh.
The final paperwork on the sale is expected to be completed today.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
As a multinational organization serving companies all over the world, Samways and Fick, Consultants, somewhat recognizes the role that we can all play in developing and investing in local communities. At Samways and Fick, we can help your business set critical internal policies and goals that are socially responsible.
Why care?
Samways and Fick was recently awarded a “Caring Quality Trophy” from the Lankville Mountain Area Charities Aid Foundation for our commitment to fostering a culture of philanthropy in the workplace and for opening doors for lesser-skilled employees like spastics, idiots and pinheads. Our Social Responsibility Program® encompasses a wide range of activities, from our global heavy chemical neutral policy to semi-pro bono consulting and volunteer support for visible charitable organizations. At Samways and Fick, we can implement a Social Responsibility Program to fit your needs.
Society and its Issues
Watch an excerpt of Dr. Fick talking about society (free):
The most important way Samways and Fick can help your business impact society and make a positive difference is through our consulting expertise and advice. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick are both experts on society. We pass this expertise on to our clients in all types of industry using a technique that we call “Consulting Osmosis®”. Imagine that your business is a sort of long somewhat permeable thin tube full of molasses (or something else really sticky). This tube will begin to swell with knowledge once it comes in contact with Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Before long, it will be close to bursting as the knowledge flows through the semi-permeable membrane and into the tube. The molasses will become less sticky, ideas will begin to flow. A fee will be extracted.
Saving Lives
Our work for governmental and non-governmental organizations can help them enhance the value of facilities associated with education, healthcare, poor people transport and furniture. For example, Samways and Fick For Humanity (SFFH) is our organizational arm dedicated to possibly saving children’s lives in impoverished island communities worldwide. We can help your organization learn how to possibly save children’s lives. Think of how good that will look on your website (maybe in a nice colorful banner along one edge).
Call Samways and Fick, Consultants today. We look forward to helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
Dr. Samways teaching social responsibility.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: THE SUCCESS MATRIX®
Dr. Fick, of Samways and Fick
In an increasingly complex business landscape fraught with challenges, death, and torture, companies must have an explicit strategy in place to position themselves for success. How do you know if your business is succeeding? How do you know if your business is growing? Is your location no longer viable because of that foreign swingers lounge that moved in next door?
Fortunately, all of these questions can be answered by The Samways and Fick Success Matrix®.
What is the Samways and Fick Success Matrix®? Does it really work?
The answer to all these questions is Yes!®
The Samways and Fick Success Matrix® is all about managing individuals with more than one reporting line but may also be used to manage cross functional business groups and other forms of working that cross the standard vertical business units of function, space and geography.
Did you fall asleep? That’s alright– because at Samways and Fick, Consultants, we will take care of all your Success Matrix needs.
We want you to imagine a series of boxes (it can also be a pyramid, your choice) filled with your data. Now imagine these boxes (or the pyramid, your choice) on a large poster. Now imagine the poster on a wall (or taped to a whiteboard, your choice). You have successfully shared your data with your cohorts. “Please look at the posters and you’ll see our Success Matrix,” you will say. “Notice the pyramid rubrics,” you’ll then say. Why? What is the result?
The result is that, thanks to the Samways and Fick Success Matrix®, you have complete and total command of this meeting.
Dr. Samways
A testimonial:
“We didn’t know what to do. We had an employee who caused internal issues from day one from severe absenteeism, to spreading negativity throughout the office, to a loss in production, to initiating challenges on a regular basis. How to exterminate him was of major concern to us especially since his birthday was coming up and we really, really didn’t want to have to go buy one of those supermarket cakes. You know how you have to stand there at the counter and wait for the ponderous guy in the white coat to write out the guy’s name in icing? I just couldn’t imagine doing that. Plus, he had a long foreign name and nobody knew how the hell to spell it. Anyway, Samways and Fick (Consultants) came in and led us through the process of uncovering the issues and dealing face-to-face with performance management and ultimately discipline procedures through the Success Matrix®. While it was a difficult thing to lure him out into the woods, it was in the best interest of all concerned. We are now operating at maximum speed with increased production using employees who no longer have to deal with such a negative internal roadblock. Thanks Samways and Fick!
Call us today. We are mildly excited to begin preparing your Success Matrix®
Samways and Fick, Consultants: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Committees, Steering Committees, Sub-Committees: Which Do You Need?
Is your business losing hours of productivity trying to decide what type of committee you need? It can be a difficult decision. Would a standing committee work best? What about a steering committee? Or a sub-committee? Would an advisory committee be the way to go? Or should a standards committee be established first? The options can be daunting.
Dr. Samways
Fortunately, Samways and Fick: Consultants are here to help.
Samways and Fick will arrive at your offices (in a van) and immediately establish a Pre-Policy Consulting Committee aimed at learning what Post-Policy Consulting Committee would be best for your company. We know how to ask the pointed questions, write on white boards, and eliminate needless abhorrent detritus to find the committee that is the best fit for you. Samways and Fick: Consultants will then unleash a Pinwheel of Possibilities®– you’ll have to be on your feet! When the Pinwheel of Possibilities® begins spinning, possibilities often carom crazily off walls and even your ceilings. Rest assured, however, a possibility will always fall gently into your lap like a fluffy pillow. Do an internet search for images of fluffy pillows if you need further clarification.
Once we have helped you discover your ideal committee, Samways and Fick will then implement a series of Pre-Committee global communication campaigns, targeted at recruiting key committee personnel. Remember, committees need not be composed of only your current staff. At Samways and Fick: Consultants, we have found that the best committees are often people you don’t even know, people who are complete strangers, even people who are foreign and speak strange backwards undeveloped Island languages.
Dr. Fick
We will then reveal our suite of technology tools and employee portals that deliver across the full range of committee alternatives. These services are highly-secretive, however, and may only be revealed to select clients.
Find out if you qualify. Call Samways and Fick: Consultants today.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ORGANIZATIONAL DEVELOPMENT
Dr. Samways
In today’s increasingly challenging and competitive business environment, organizations must function more effectively and efficiently than ever before in World History to achieve their strategic goals. With that objective in mind, Samways and Fick, Consultants offers Consortium Enlargement Services® to help companies of all sizes plan, structure, set up posters, and manage those zipper envelopes that you put bank deposits in, in order to dramatically improve their chances for sustainable growth.
Initially, we work with the CEO (fat or thin- Samways and Fick does not discriminate) to gain an understanding of the organization’s past and recent business results, its organizational pyramid, staff performance and coming objectives, both near and long-term and even well into the distant future when there will be more robots. To expand on that knowledge base we conduct a multi-tiered S&F Audit™ (some chairs and tables may be carried away during this process) that involves asking a series of complex questions and presenting a series of word searches and pencil mazes to selected executives, supervisors, front-line employees and, just for kicks, some of the dummies at the bottom. With this audit information we prepare a multi-colored Powerpoint display with animated lasers that is designed to provide the CEO with organization-wide insights on goal calibration, resource allocation, telephones, and, most importantly, new business opportunities and possible land seizures to name a few.
Dr. Fick
With this organizational assessment completed, S&F then works with the CEO’s designated cohort to develop plans and interventions that will address processes, systems and structures that need to be created or improved (we will also bring out the Powerpoint display again). Our goal is to create extreme focus on the organization and to collaboratively develop a more integrated, efficient and effective operating system.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick: Consultants (A PAID ADVERTISEMENT)
Samways and Fick, Inc.
Dr. Samways
Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain
S&F INC. believes that leaders deserve to have a high-performing team and we help them (the leaders) to place the right people in the right seats doing the right things in the right foundation at the right time and in the right climate.
“Working with Samways and Fick: Consultants proved to be a weird yet insightful experience. The team was simple to work with, arrived on a bus and forged a process that was unique to our needs. They had embroidered shirts with mountains on them. They matched our tasks to other people’s tasks, thus bringing everybody together as one. I recommend them enthusiastically for anyone who is interested in a complimentary sack lunch and a free tote bag.” – Suzy, East Lankville
(REAL TESTIMONIAL)
Why we do what we do:
We believe in our clients’ potential. Our clients can do anything that they set their minds to – and by golly, do we mean ANYTHING! There’s really no holding them back, (even if others would prefer that they did). No, if it’s the stars that they want – it’s the galaxy that they shall consume! We love meeting new people.
How our clients benefit:
Our clients are our top priority…when there’s nothing good on television, after dinner usually. As a client of S&F INC., you’ll reap the rewards of a top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art, fully integrated, emotionally toiling, no-strings-attached relationship. We only have your best interests at heart; trust us, it’s better this way.
What we do:
Dr. Fick
We eliminate waste on a regular, daily schedule – a move that positively affects the bottom line. Implementing our Core Values™, we’ve helped thousands of companies cut costs and rebuild infrastructure. Our approval rate is well within the profit margin and our numbers (9 – 86) are through the roof! Do not hesitate to make an appointment with us today! S&F INC: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain, Since 2014.
Core Values
- Quality
- Accountability
- Balance
- Food (small)
- Team
- Lighting
- Fun
- Meeting Customer Expectations
- Collaboration
- Bathrooms
Seven Habits of Highly Successful Lankvillians
By Shelley Reports
You’ve surely seen them swanning around the “fine cuisine” section of Barlow Foods, or carefully selecting a Vitiello Decorative Ham in preparation for the holidays. You may have bumped into them in the Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy, enjoying a nice steam bath and picking up a prescription. But did you ever wonder what makes the most successful citizens of Lankville tick? What is it that lifts them above the fray into a life of ease and notoriety, while you struggle pathetically in the muck?
The Lankville News interviewed our most successful townfolk in order to find out what habits they have in common.
1) They dig tunnels. Lots and lots of tunnels. When a mysterious tunnel was recently found near the entrance to the Barlow Foods Sporting Arena, many citizens wondered if the tunnel – which featured a fully stocked wet bar, a collection of plastic bags, and various animal-trapping devices – was the work of a crazed group of revolutionaries or a government project gone wrong. As it turns out, it’s neither. Successful people like to dig tunnels, according to psychologist Winifred P. Temple. Where they lead is of less importance than what they represent: “A place to work out ideas and explore the supreme Id,” said Dr. Temple.
Lankville’s finest having a “gabfest”.
2) They are up before you and they’re still going long after you retire to bed. Like the “Alpine Swift,” which can remain aloft for 200 days straight, sleeping as it flies and flying in its sleep, the most successful Lankvillians’ heads rarely touch their pillows. Instead, they manage to catch a few Z’s while doing the mundane tasks of the day. Whether it’s bathing, eating, driving, or balancing spoons on their noses while contemplating the universe, these shining examples of productivity have mastered the art of doing it while they doze.
3) They eat mud. The mud around Lankville – especially the mud that burbles in the recently reopened Mud Pits – is especially rich in minerals. While even the heartiest Mud-Pitters eventually wash themselves off upon emerging from a game of “Clod Hurling” or “Sticks and Leaves,” successful folks know the secret locked inside the mud. They even have recipes for it. “Mud cakes, mud tamales, even mud lollipops,” says Genevieve Rumpus, laughing as she reads from her family recipe book. Mrs. Rumpus makes all these and more for her husband, ensuring a long life of health and rigor.
4) They know how to live “the good life.” Imagine a typical night out with the family: struggling to park the car near Pondicherry Square, waiting on line at the Decorative Ham Expo, fighting off Bumpkins, and finally settling for a slice and soda at “Pizza-A-Round” before heading back home, broke and exhausted. There has to be a better way, right? A way to avoid the hassle and hubbub, to get exactly what you want, when you want it, free of roving Teenage Girls and rogue balloons and killer snowbanks? For the most successful Lankvillians, there is. They know that way. And they’re not telling.
5) They wear hats that are three sizes too big for their heads. A large hat represents many things, according to Dr. Temple. Confidence, even cockiness, when it comes to one’s power and authority in public space; a sort of “devil may care” attitude about the perceptions of others; finally, a complex and paradoxical pride in but indifference to material goods. “What they’re saying is, this hat could be blown off in The Woods or snatched by a Subway Cretin or a Bumpkin, and guess what, I don’t care. But I want you to notice it,” asserted Dr. Temple.
Yes, they are looking down on you
6) They use a lot of catchphrases and “hip” lingo. If you are riding the Lankville Subway on a Friday evening – perhaps the KY Express headed uptown to the Heights – you might overhear a group of well-heeled strangers exclaiming “Boffo!” or “Blimey!” or “That’s so jive!” These elocutionists are no doubt among the creme-de-la-creme of Lankville’s upper crust, expressing themselves as only they can. Patois, jargon, and slang are the particular purview of their breed, as common idioms help them to identify other members of their “tribe” and spice up their communication. So the next time you hear someone saying “The fat’s in the fire!”, take it “straight from the horse’s mouth” and “don’t get caught with your pants down” – you are privy to a “convo” of some of Lankville’s finest!
7) They keep in touch with childhood friends. What good is all the money and success in the world if you don’t have people to share it with? Especially people whose very fiber is intertwined with your own, whose roots stretch back to the playgrounds where you first cavorted, the fields in which you first gamboled? As Dr. Temple pointed out, Lankville’s best and brightest feel this need most urgently. Thus they habitually track down old flames and friends on Lankbook, making sure to share every triumph and post every image from their luxurious lives. “It’s just their way of being generous,” noted Dr. Temple.
If you already do some or all of these things, perhaps you are already one of Lankville’s most successful citizens. If not, it’s never too late to begin acquiring their habits!
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK