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Samways and Fick: Identity Theft

June 1, 2017 1 comment

Dr. Samways

According to the Restrained Lankville Trade Probing Unit, identity theft was the number one fraud complaint during calendar year 2016. And limiting the use of personal computers and robots may not help much: a study banged out by Samways and Fick over lunch at a buffet (it was terrible) reported that in 2015 most identity thefts were taking place offline, not online. One other troubling finding: the study found that 97 percent of all identity thefts are committed by someone the victim knows such as friends, casual lovers, pharmacists and that guy that sells flowers by the side of the road.

Identity theft is reported every day (and sometimes in the evening). Concerned citizens worry that an identity thief will run up charges on their credit card or purloin™ their bank account while their back is turned. But with the Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade™ there is no longer any reason to worry. Once you know the facts about SFGB and some preventive measures you can take, your business can win the fight against identity theft!

Identity thieves commit their crime in several ways:

They steal credit card payments and other outgoing mail from mailboxes.
They dig through garbage cans, dumpsters or trash holes in search of cancelled checks, credit card and bank statements and posters.
They hack into robots that contain personal records and steal the data.
They file a change of address form, divorce papers, or sex offender registrations in the victim’s name to divert mail and gather personal and financial data.

But with the Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade™, these tricks are no longer possible.

Construction of a Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade (take note of the shovel).

Here’s how it works:

Samways and Fick will arrive at your business or home (in a van) and construct trenches around the perimeter of your building and your trash receptacles (if you use a trash hole, trenches cannot be constructed so we recommend ceasing this hayseed practice). These trenches are then outfitted with virtual gravitational pull quasars which, when penetrated by a thief, pull him (or her) into the powerful Samways and Fick Gravitational Field™ from which nothing, not even the most savvy of thieves, can escape. Your business now possesses key information about the thief (and sometimes their condensed bodies) allowing you to notify local law enforcement.

But that’s not all! The Samways and Fick Gravitational Field also deters would-be thieves. That’s because we construct large signs around your home or business (in block letters) that read VORTEX.  A thief would have to be a fool to challenge such a sign. You are now fully protected.

So, talk to Samways and Fick now about installing a Gravitational Blockade to protect your valuable data. Our friendly lower-class contractors are prompt, courteous and often bring a pizza (thick crust). Find out today if you qualify.

Samways and Fick: Helping You Get to the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.

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Field Service Highlights of the Kingdom Witnesses

April 18, 2017 Leave a comment

By McGriff Key, Kingdom Witness

“I’m here to give you this month’s issue of Aroused!

(Hand magazine to the person. Allow them time to respond).

“What’s your opinion?”

(Allow them time to respond. Take two steps backward to avoid violence).

“There is a very nice article here that discusses some Kingdom principles that can help us improve our outlook on life.”

(Point to article).

Total field service credit:  1 hour.

 

OTHER ITEMS

When is it appropriate to discontinue Kingdom study?

If a student’s spiritual progress comes to a halt, you may have to discontinue his Kingdom study tactfully. Consider: Does he keep his appointments to study? Does he present himself in a neat, orderly fashion and generally wear long pants? Does he prepare his lesson in advance? Has he attended 75% of his congregation meetings? Does he share with others what he is learning or does he tend to lurk in the corner eerily? Does he turn his chair backwards and lean against the back in an overtly frank manner? Is he making changes in harmony with Kingdom principles? Of course, make allowance for his age and his abilities, recognizing that each person progresses at a different rate and that the retarded and spastic for example, will be very slow in grasping Kingdom principles and women, hampered by the abominable crimson flow, may also be inconsistent in understanding key concepts. Also, if you discontinue the study, keep the door open for him to resume his study in the future. “You are always welcome back,” you will say, as you show him out into the back parking lot where his battered jalopy is waiting, its faded paint failing to glisten in the sunlight of his recently-abandoned Kingdom.

 

HOW TO DO IT

Use the introductory pages of your Aroused! workbook to stimulate interest and then show the householder where the ancient texts give the answer. For example, you might refer to a recent terrorist attack or challenge spree covered in the news and explain that many have wondered about the answers to the questions on page 17. Or you could say that you are visiting your neighbors to share a wondrous, positive view of the future. Then show the pictures on pages 22-25 and ask, “Which of these promises would you like to see fulfilled?” If the householder does not wish any of the promises fulfilled, suggest an alternative promise. Another possibility is to say that you are making brief visits to help people find answers to very big questions. Then show the householder the questions at the bottom of page 35, and ask which one interests him the most. A third possibility is to point out things on his porch and say, “what about that?” His answers may be the springboard to a positive conversation and an opportunity for prime witnessing.

PROPER BEHAVIOR

There have been complaints of Kingdom Witnesses, having been rebuked by householders, pushing over filled trash cans. This should be avoided at all costs.

There is absolutely no tolerance for inebriation while engaged in field service.

For more information, please call the Kingdom Witnesses free hotline at KINGDOM EAST 6-3442.

Samways and Fick: Upcoming Training and Events

April 7, 2017 Leave a comment

LEARN ABOUT FICKWAYS THINKING™

LEARN HOW FICKWAYS THINKING™, THE FICKWAYS™ PROCESS, THE FICKWAYS MAP® AND THE FICKWAYS AMBROSIAL ASSESSMENT™ ARE THE MOST ROBUST SUITE OF PRACTICES AND TOOLS AVAILABLE TO POSSIBLY AND PARTIALLY ACHIEVE YOUR DESIRED RESULTS FASTER, EASIER AND BIGGER.

Dr. Fick

This program is designed for Consulting and coaching professionals to become certified to deliver Fickways Thinking™ processes and apply our most advanced tools including the Fickways Ambrosial Assessment™ (FAA). This course blends our Foundations in FAA™ and Advanced Applications in FAA Courses™, and has absolutely no pre-requisites– anybody from the highest levels of senior management to some sweaty, illiterate, godforsaken, whoremongering buffoon can join! (not recommended– the part about the whoremongering buffoon).

In today’s world of increasing interdependency, complexity and robots, it is vital to utilize problem solving AND thinking to address all of your most strategic challenges and opportunities. Samways and Fick research is clear – leaders, teams and organizations that leverage Fickways outperform those that don’t. Discover how to eliminate paradox, tension, dilemma, and confusion to become more innovative, lithesome, profitable and hard immediately and over time.

PROGRAM DETAILS

3 Day Intensive Workshop with Chairs

Dr. Samways

Two 2-hour Facilitated Webinars (faciliators include Dr. Samways, Dr. Fick and a couple of bangin’ MILFS).

4 hours 1-1 Intensive Coaching and Mentoring in the Fickways Process™.

FUN cooperative exercise in which participants work together to bury something out of Dr. Samways’ van in the desert.

44 Page Consultant Guidebook (other pages extra)

1 Month Consultant Access to the Fickways Resource Portal™ (offer does not include access to the “mature section”.)

Certification & Licensing in Fickways™ Foundations and Advanced Applications

Step 1: Seeing – Appreciate undefined challenges and mysterious opportunities and see more of the whole reality.

Step 2: Moderation – Seeing the whole reality should not be forced but should be slid into smoothly and wetly.

Step 3: Assessing – Utilize the Fickways Ambrosial Assessment™ to gather quantitative metrics from key stakeholders (if there are no stakeholders, read step 2 again and then consider another, perhaps lesser consulting firm.

Step 4: Learning – Decide upon the meaning to be garnered from Assessment results, gain insight into your current strengths and vulnerabilities. Remember– one does wisely by taking the bear by the ring in his snout. Did you like that?

Step 5: Leveraging – Develop and execute interesting strategies to achieve and sustain desired results.

 

Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.

Distant Farms Machinery Auction: April 13th

March 30, 2017 Leave a comment

Distant Farms in the Lankville Greater Outlands will be holding a machinery auction on Thursday, April 13, 2017 beginning at 4 PM. Take Route 71 to Route 33, use the Outlands Overpass (exiting on left), go through THE TUNNEL and then make a quick right onto Rural Route 5, making sure to cross the first set of railroad tracks but NOT the second. Make another left at the fence post, go through the signal light by the shuttered linen store and the farms will be on the left just beyond the hedge maze. Look for the mailbox labeled “The Cravitz Family”.

SELLING: Lankville Harvester 1021 tractor, 38″ rubber; Miltons/Binders 4040 tractor, 30″ rubber, needs tires; Vitiello and Company 574 decorative ham harvester; Neptune 8N w/ high speed trans but no tires; Huge Trojan 166 payloader with no tires; Lankville Harvester 570 baler with heads, hydro tension control, applicator, & 55 kicker; Miltons/Binders 770 chopper (no tires); Badger 3310 chopper (tires removed); Lurking Murderer Harvester 6000; Lankville Harvester 711 1 row chopper (2nd row extra); Lot of (2) Huge Trojan 439 haybines; Lot of (2) Neptune 658 manual rakes; Habawnik Gourd Caresser 625; Fehr AJ600 ledder cobalts; (3) Pendleton SU wagons but no tires, 2 need augers; Steel bsket wagon; steel basket rack; steel basket; steel work pants; steel jumper; steel hop cords;  Stoltzfus 52′ feeder wagon (no tires); Mueller 1800 gallon bulk, #52118-A;  plus bars, hand tools, signs, rods, pins, folders, misc parts and more!

TERMS: Cash (Lankville dollars), Check, Money Order, Barlow Credit. 10% buyer’s premium, 3% discount for cash or check. Nothing to be removed until settled for. All items sold “AS IS”! 

OPINION: Curing Rectal Cancer Naturally with Brian Schropp

July 5, 2016 Leave a comment

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Brian Schropp is not to be confused with Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp or UFOlogist Brian Schropp or ‘The Power of Tolerable’ Brian Schropp.

Some might say that I’m no doctor, that I have no reason to even broach the subject of this sensitive issue.  Little do most know of my Schropp bloodline’s battle and struggle with this particular deadly cancer which strikes the male members young.  There has been many a family gathering where I would see an uncle or distant cousin- bright, healthy, pooping away with all the vigor of life, only to hear of their swift tragic death shortly thereafter.  Our bloodline is even known to marry and breed like ‘horny jackrabbits’ at an early age (usually around fourteen) NOT because we are weird perverted scum but because of this exact reason!!

That’s why I have made it my life’s work to find a cure for this horrid misery known as rectal cancer.  Now, after many years of in-depth research I am proud to say I have stumbled upon a possible cure. While down in the Lankville Islands I ironically found another ‘Brian Schropp’ who was born and bred (but not a native) on one of the smaller islands called ‘Pineapple Town’. (I also found another Brian Schropp who seemed a bit of an imbecile muttering about pizza sauce but that is neither here nor there to this subject). The island-born Brian Schropp told me of this of this ‘miracle berry’ which was used as a ‘cure all’ for most medical related problems on this isle. Excited by the potential promise of this berry, we went out into the jungle to pick a few. Luckily I brought a microscope with me, so I was able to examine these berries right away. And let me tell you the DNA structure and make-up of these are like nothing I have ever seen before!!

I knew right then and there (sorry readers for the graphic description to come) that anyone suffering from any stage of rectal cancer could rub these berries in and around their rectum, including inside the ‘poop chute’, would be cured. After picking as many berries as the natives would allow I am back here to give hope and light to the suffering.

The mysterious berry from 'Pineapple Town' island

The mysterious berry from ‘Pineapple Town’ island

I wish my all my heart I could just give you these berries for free. Unfortunately, I need to pay for my expenses plus the years and years of other research I have done. I have concluded that a small glass container (approximately fifteen berries) will get you started on the road to recovery. Each container I will be selling for $900 (before tax). Now some of you might say, that’s a pretty steep price. But really is there too high a price for not suffering, for having the gift of LIFE? This will also include ONE plastic syringe to help with the ‘poop chute’ area.

I hope to go next year during the ‘berry season’ to get a new batch. For fear of money hungry dirt bags finding exactly where these berries are on the island I have the word of Brian Schropp (not the imbecile one) and the natives that they will kill anyone else trying to get to this precious resource. In fact just writing that last sentence I will have to put the price up to $1100 to help pay for this protection.
Interested parties please contact me at PO BOX 478 Deep Deep Southeastern Suburban Lankville.

Samways and Fick, Consultants: FUN

November 10, 2015 1 comment

samwaysandfick2

Business can’t always be about business. A good work-life balance is essential. Samways and Fick, Consultants understands that and it’s why we offer a series of retreat and party options to help bring your organization closer together. Whether it be traditional weekend “bonding sessions”, low-ropes courses, or transvestism, Samways and Fick can help get your company back on track.

RETREATS

Dr. Samways with the cat.

Dr. Samways with the cat.

Retreats are fully-integrated fun sessions organized and administered by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Employees enter a large hotel ballroom and find their seating assignments. They will notice right away that the tables are littered with novelty horns, oversized swirly lollipops, and mysterious “prize bags”, thereby alerting your staff that a day of frivolity is ahead. Next, Dr. Samways will appear from behind a curtain wearing a blue wig and holding a large cat. She (and the cat) will entertain, educate and bring your staff closer together utilizing successful time-proven patented techniques.

A small meat lunch will then be served.

Dr. Fick (and the cat) take over in the afternoon. The afternoon session is more rigorous, with staff members invited to air grievances and question authority. As the hours pass, Dr. Fick will then utilize several other successful time-proven patented techniques to bring your staff around to the wrongness of their grievances and the notion that authority is always correct. Your staff will be bound together in these new, proper rules of conduct.

No dinner is served.

PARTIES

Dr. Fick.

Dr. Fick.

If your organization does not wish to make the time commitment to a retreat, then a party may be a better option. At Samways and Fick, we have several collapsible card tables, plastic punch bowls, and tent poles. A low-ropes course will be offered in the comfort and safety of your conference room. Test your staff’s meddle by asking them to balance the tent poles on their index fingers. A great lesson that they can carry on into the future as they approach death.

Our parties are designed to allow your organization to overcome interdepartmental communication breakdowns, hallway fistfighting and trust issues, develop better time management, strengthen teamwork, and more. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick (and the cat) will create experiences that require these skills to be tested, so that your team will achieve its luscious goals. The parties build self-confidence, trust, vision and the commitment to meet the challenges of working in adverse conditions.

Find out more today by calling Samways and Fick, Consultants.

Helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.

Samways and Fick: Consultants: PROJECT MANAGEMENT

October 15, 2015 Leave a comment

samwaysandfick2

A Project (our italics) may be defined as any lusty endeavor undertaken to create a unique product, service or result. Project Management is the application of knowledge, booklets, skills, tools, communication and firearms to activities in order to meet project requirements. Organizations that effectively employ project management methodology greatly increase the chances of accomplishing the goals and objectives of any project initiative, thereby bringing your organization closer to the area near the top of your mountain and also the moon (did you notice that we added the moon now?) This discipline fosters understanding by all stakeholders of the project mission (committee members, coordinators, handlers, and outside contractors) and what it will specifically take to accomplish it. By identifying tasks, office chairs, nearness to food and timelines, team members and stakeholders are better able to coordinate and execute on the work to be accomplished, ensuring that the project is completed on time, within budget and with requirements realized. We also have some “GO TEAM” stickers designed to boost production.

Dr. Samways

Dr. Samways

Samways and Fick offers Project Management services that can lead and coordinate the planning, execution (i.e.– the carrying out or putting into effect the plan, not the carrying out or putting of someone to death), monitoring, interfering with and controlling of your priority initiatives. To identify the need, we ask potential clients to put on the “GO TEAM” stickers, pull on some ropes, describe their greatest challenges or concerns and then to envision life in an altered version of our current world. The ropes are then put into a sack and loaded into the back of Dr. Samways’ tricked-out van.

Now you are ready. The CEO and executive team have prioritized their project needs– Samways and Fick now help them define scope and breadth (we have some long rulers) and forms a project team (keep your stickers around for reference) and will usually staff the team with the organization’s own employees or contractors.

Dr. Fick

Dr. Fick

Samways and Fick now provides a certified Project Management Professional® to guide the team in creating a big plan designed to accomplish your project goals and objectives. The big plan will typically include a “righteous baseline”, work breakdown responsibility rubric, timeline and budget and some office supplies for your cohorts (each cohort will be assigned a different colorful folder– three tab positions available). Once the plan is approved, the Samways and Fick PMP will then facilitate periodic mandatory team caucuses for purposes of guiding execution through status reporting, pie charts and other monitoring, controlling and restraining activities. Any team member who objects to the caucuses can go work for the fucking post office. Throughout the process the PMP communicates with stakeholders in order to inform, clarify, insist upon and insure integration of project activities and petty handling. Finally, the PMP oversees closure of the project by securing stakeholder and customer approval and recollecting all the colorful folders (making sure all three tab positions are accounted for) for later use.

Samways and Fick: Consultants– Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.

Samways and Fick, Consultants: ORGANIZATIONAL DEVELOPMENT

September 24, 2015 Leave a comment
Dr. Samways

Dr. Samways

In today’s increasingly challenging and competitive business environment, organizations must function more effectively and efficiently than ever before in World History to achieve their strategic goals. With that objective in mind, Samways and Fick, Consultants offers Consortium Enlargement Services® to help companies of all sizes plan, structure, set up posters, and manage those zipper envelopes that you put bank deposits in, in order to dramatically improve their chances for sustainable growth.

Initially, we work with the CEO (fat or thin- Samways and Fick does not discriminate) to gain an understanding of the organization’s past and recent business results, its organizational pyramid, staff performance and coming objectives, both near and long-term and even well into the distant future when there will be more robots. To expand on that knowledge base we conduct a multi-tiered S&F Audit™ (some chairs and tables may be carried away during this process) that involves asking a series of complex questions and presenting a series of word searches and pencil mazes to selected executives, supervisors, front-line employees and, just for kicks, some of the dummies at the bottom. With this audit information we prepare a multi-colored Powerpoint display with animated lasers that is designed to provide the CEO with organization-wide insights on goal calibration, resource allocation, telephones, and, most importantly, new business opportunities and possible land seizures to name a few.

Dr. Fick

Dr. Fick

With this organizational assessment completed, S&F then works with the CEO’s designated cohort to develop plans and interventions that will address processes, systems and structures that need to be created or improved (we will also bring out the Powerpoint display again). Our goal is to create extreme focus on the organization and to collaboratively develop a more integrated, efficient and effective operating system.

Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.

Samways and Fick, Consultants: RECRUITING SERVICES

September 18, 2015 Leave a comment
Dr. Fick

Dr. Fick

Recruiting is a systematic process that begins the moment an opening is identified and does not end until the new hire’s fuckability has been completely analysed. Samways and Fick, Consultants can help you through the process.

Following a recruitment plan and pairing it with a robust “onboarding” GO TEAM™ (trademark in capitals only) program is the best assurance for a successful hire. Samways and Fick, Consultants will somewhat carefully structure a recruitment plan that sometimes maps out the strategy for attracting and hiring the most physically attractive candidate and helps to ensure a diverse applicant pool that includes women, Islanders, bums, Winter People, bumpkins and other underrepresented groups including veterans, people missing limbs, and the retarded.

As HR (Human Resources) recruiters at Samways and Fick, Consultants, we focus our efforts on filling positions within your company by matching the perfect attractive candidate to the most high-profile job. In order for this matching process to be successful, our HR recruiting professionals (Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick and a couple of interns that we can never remember the names of) work to develop and sustain a partnership with you, the client company. We may suggest conference room “team-building” games with ropes, bed sheets, and little funny cars or we may administer extremely difficult cognitive tests and display the results around town on posters.

Dr. Samways

Dr. Samways

After gaining a thorough understanding of your industry, vision, goals, culture and what’s inside your office kitchen, we then create and implement a customized recruiting process that is able to source, screen, interview, vet, measure, and put forward the most qualified candidate to fill the identified position or positions. Samways and Fick, Consultants recruitment support provides you with an essential component for your future business success.

Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain

This Woman Came to Renew Her License– She Didn’t Notice that We Had Balloons Though!

February 20, 2015 Leave a comment
By Dennis Updatables

By Dennis Updatables, Lankville Motor Vehicle House

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

I saw her when she walked through the door. Pretty little thing– she looked lost, confused, maybe she’d never had a license before, maybe she didn’t know how to renew her current license, who knew? I was about to find out.

First though, I figured she would check out our balloon selection.

That’s right. We’ve got balloons now. The Lankville Motor Vehicle House has balloons!

Boy, was I all wrong though. She walked straight by ’em, straight up to my little service counter where I have the nice plaque that says “Dennis Updatables”.  That’s the handle my parents gave me, God love ’em.

“I’m here to…renew my license,” she said. She looked down at the floor. Shy little thing, that’s alright. I just tried to make her feel comfortable.

Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles

Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles

“Have a seat, Miss…?”

“Mrs,” she corrected. “Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.”

“Well, Mrs. Bundles, what can we do for you here at the Lankville Motor Vehicle House?” I sort of nodded towards the balloons. They were right behind her.

“I need to renew my license. I…I don’t drive much, Mr. Updatables. I…well…there was an accident some time ago and…”. She trailed off.

“Accidents can happen to anybody,” I said, smiling. I nodded towards the balloons again. She sure wasn’t biting though.

“It was a terrible…terrible accident Mr. Updatables. My husband…Mr. Bundles…hasn’t been the same since.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Bundles.” Why wasn’t she noticing the balloons? Balloons make everyone feel better. They were right behind her– right over her shoulder practically.

“But, I need to be able to drive him to the clinic. You see, his cousin, who is also named Lawrence W. Bundles– well, he tripped on carpet that hadn’t been nailed down properly and fell into a mine shaft. Oh, it’s terrible, Mr. Updatables.”

She began crying. What can you do for someone though? Someone who can’t see the balm to soothe their pain, the balm that is within reach, so close…so close.

I patted her on the back and some of the ladies took her to an office in the back and gave her a little paper cone of water from the cooler.

It was too bad. Too bad for Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy

January 29, 2015 Leave a comment
By Eric "Desiree" Gelsinger

By Eric “Desiree” Gelsinger

The following is a paid advertisement.

There she was, ten feet tall above me, presiding over an enchanted window. Yea, from that day forward I lived in thrall to my local pharmacist’s charms.

She appeared and disappeared. She was a goddess. Or, was she something else? I remember the hammering of my heart as I stretched to hand her a script for my warts. She was so much more mysterious than my school nurse, so much more dangerous.

I had graduated.

My early education took place in the front of the store, where I was brutalized by wonders and joy. Candy, and balloons on sticks. Trying to fit the overfull balloon on the overlong stick into the station wagon, one would pop, the other would poke you in the eye, and you’d look down to find your palms ravaged by splinters. As for the candies, you couldn’t smash them apart with a heavy scotch tape dispenser, and forget about getting your mouth around that massive wad. My classmates dislocated jaws, broke teeth, or suffocated.

But I survived to walk deeper through the store. Beneath a burned-out tube of light I wandered between the haphazard racks of toys for poor/dumb kids, and the beach toys in the dead of winter.

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)

The seasons changed, I grew older. I trespassed into The Periodicals. How many hours did I spend on rubber legs, paging through those magazines under fluorescent lights that seemed to leave me helplessly exposed? Each session would last until my queasy feeling gave way to confusion, bodily weakness, and an obscure feeling of injustice that even today constitutes the foundation of my morality.

At last I came of age, and now there I was: the very back of the store. I was afraid my sneakers would squeak, and held my breath as I approached, but I made it. I stood before the tabernacle of adulthood, the pharmacy counter. And there she was . . . .

In the months and years to follow, the sexpot pharmacist reigned over my fantasies, a drug-dispensing despot. She’d take me for a “consultation” and lay me down. One by one she’d place orange-flavored aspirin on my tongue until I couldn’t feel my “sprained wrist,” or anything but a sweet torment I didn’t know by name . Then she’d walk her fingers down her stockinged leg, and from her perfumed shoe insert produce my eczema crème. Her gaze trained upon my face, she’d crush the sweet metallic tube until every last ounce was surrendered like a charcoal snake to her milking fist.

And at last, the expert application. All over again, yet for the first time, I was faced with the problem of stuffing an over-inflated balloon and unmanageable stick into a confined space

What was she thinking during all this? It was impossible to say. She was so professional, so in control. I, needless to say, was not. I’d open my mouth to speak but she put a finger to my lips – a finger that glistened within a mitten of hydrocortisone crème which webbed her ministering digits with gunky clumps.

When I came to, it hit me. Just what Lankville needed. Yes, some say Lankville has it all, what with our Sanduny Spa and other things. But only now does Lankville truly have it all. Introducing THE SANDUNY SPA & PHARMACY featuring Lanvkille’s own TOPLESS PHARMACISTS! One hundred percent zero top on (make that, not on!) every pharmacist supplying you with fungal crèmes, rosacea treatments, scabies cures, foot-odor palliatives, obesity pills, impotence remedies, and all the rest of your pharmacy needs.

So come on down to the Sanduny Spa & Pharmacy. Tell them Desiree sent you. She always does.

Lankville State University Now Hiring an Assistant Professor of Pow!

January 28, 2015 Leave a comment

At Lankville State University, we don’t have students. We have “learning partners.” And we don’t subscribe to tired definitions of subjects and time periods determined centuries ago by men in funny hats who kept small animals up their sleeves to keep warm – men who left us with vague rubrics like “the Lankville Renaissance” and “math.” Instead, we invite our learning partners to interact with faculty on common ground that meets the dynamic needs of our exciting, ever-shifting modern world. If that sounds like the kind of vibrant environment in which you can help others learn, grow, and thrive, you might be our new Assistant Professor of Pow! The Assistant Professor of Pow! will work under the Provost of Pizazz in concert with the Dean of Dopeness, and be affiliated with the Office of the Vice President for Excellence in Zip-a-dIgital-Doo-Dah (OVPEZIDD).

Also, we have a girls volleyball team.

Also, we have a girls volleyball team.

Can you push our learning partners to that place beyond ordinary knowledge, taking the tops of their heads off, twisting them around, and filling them with glitter bombs of wisdom equal to a thousand burning suns? Can you lift them right out of the classroom and make them dance like marionettes with a million volts of logos running through their limbs? Please send a cover letter or Lanktube video explaining how your particular brand of enthusiasm would contribute to the mission of the Lankville community; a one-word teaching philosophy; and a Super Sick Syllabus that demonstrates your skills in Ill Communication with potential learning partners at Lankville State. The superior candidate will ignore these instructions and surprise us or, better yet, leave encrypted cyber-clues as to the whereabouts of their application materials.

Deadline February 15; candidates chosen for fruitful interactions with search committee will be notified via the Lankville Town Crier at Pondicherry Square.

Can I Borrow Your Boombox?

January 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

This isn’t an official Lankville article or anything– I’m just hoping one of you readers will let me borrow your boombox.

I’m good at taking care of things. It’ll be safe. I just want to take it camping with my new squeeze, Pat. Pat likes music. She listens to it all the time. Me, I don’t care much. But Pat wants it.

So, anyway, if I can borrow your boombox, just give me a shout on scanit.com. My scanit handle is “BigZach481”. You’ll find me.

True Tales of the Sanduny Spa

January 12, 2015 Leave a comment
Mrs.

Mrs. Mandy Koch

I was all cooped up doing housework when –Ding Dong –I got a surprise visit from the girls.

“We’re the girls,” lisped an unattractive man in a neon pink track suit. Three large men stood behind him, all dressed like the lisper. “You look stressed. You need to go to the spa.”

I didn’t think I had the time, but next thing I know I’m sitting in the back of a long black automobile, surrounded by my girlfriends. “We’re your girlfriends,” the man lisped, “and we’re taking you to the spa.”

“You deserve it,” added the husky voice of the behemoth (his track suit must have been custom made) next to him, “you’ve been working too hard.”

Well, I couldn’t argue with that! Nobody works harder than Mandy Koch! Whether it’s chopping wood for some mysterious eventual use, or teaching pets the truth about people, Mandy Koch is one busy gal.

But the weasly lisper took off his glove and slapped the husky fatman cross the face so hard my hoop earrings hummed like a tuning fork, and I got a great idea for a fun craft that anyone could enjoy.

Next, the lisper rapped on the partition and told the driver we had to make an unexpected stop. Two of the fat men kinda wheezed out a laugh, and squinted.

I never liked squinting, so I gave em the ol Mandy Koch cluck of disapproval and they unsquinted right fast. Next, the little ferret takes out a rather poorly embroidered handkerchief and asks me, “Doesn’t this smell nice?”

Next thing I know, we’re pulled up front of a couple of gas pumps in the middle of the desert. It’s not night, and it’s not day. Behind the gas pumps there’s a shack, and behind the shack, a rusty trailer, but other than that, na-da.

We all get out of the car. The air isn’t warm but it’s not cold and it has a taste I remember from back in chemistry class. Over the horizon, a blue light flashes and I hear a moaning sound coming from all directions like a thousand hand vacuums running out of batteries.

Sanduny Sauna Spa (photo by John Barlow)

Sanduny Sauna Spa (photo by John Barlow)

The door of the trailer swings open, left to clap in the wind while a silhouette approaches. In the ghastly headbeams of the car, I see he wears a beard, sunglasses and an XXL athletic jersey that reaches down to his knees. A parcel’s tucked under his arm.

“You Mandy?” he addresses himself to me, “You look stressed. Underappreciated.” He opens the parcel, “You’re a queen, you know that? YOU’RE A QUEEN! About time you be treated like one.”

“What we have here is micromesh body buff, not exactly your typical exfoliator,” he exhibited jars one by one, “This here is for a luminous complexion. Now here we have a seven-step no-peel renewal system that will elmininate visible imperfections and dramatically improve skin tone, texture, and clarity. Main ingredient is argan oil, made from a single tree that grows atop a single mountain in the Isles.”

“Goats climb the trees to eat the berries,” the husky man chimed in, and again received a slap for this trouble. It set my earrings going again and I thought of a great weight loss tip for women who don’t have time to exercise.

One by one they loaded the beauty products into the car, and we were off. The driver turned on the radio, lights danced before my eyes, and next thing I know I’m staring at a chain-link fence protecting haphazard piles of broken furniture covered by snow, and a faded sign in an out-of-date font: THE SANDUNY SPA!

“Time to relax,” the weasel’s bloodshot eyes stared at me intensely and he threw open the sedan door. No sooner had I stepped out than the car peeled away, leaving me with a bag of assorted beauty products hanging from my arm.

The cold wind lashed me fiercely. The entrance to the spa was nearly impossible to find. The fences were locked and there were no directions whatsoever, and when I finally found it, I stood in line for 120 mins only to be eventually directed down a very long hallway to check in. I was a little surprised there was over a mile of walking just to get to the actual spa, but I’m sure they know what they’re doing. They must! Because then I spent another two and a half hours in line for the front desk. Almost there!

There was obviously something wrong with the person working the “front desk” (actually an aluminum table), but Mandy Koch was raised right and made sure to speak very slowly and keep her eyes averted. Across the dented tabletop, a liver-spotted hand slid me a key.

Next thing I knew, I was on my own front steps. My clothes seemed to have been meticulously laundered, but I was wearing two mismatched shoes on my feet, and two more mismatched shoes on my hands. I wasted some time trying to make a pair from the four, coming close only once. Then I gave up and went inside. But don’t worry, I didn’t care about the shoes. What does a woman need shoes for WHEN SHE’S WALKING ON AIR!

Thank you, Sanduny Spa! You’ve made cloud nine. . .  cloud mine.

Dial-a-Buddy: A Paid Advertisement

January 12, 2015 1 comment
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Whoever said you can’t buy friendship was wrong.

Whoever said you can’t buy friendship was wrong and obviously had never heard of Dial-A-Buddy! Dial-A-Buddy, Lankville’s newest venture in friendship growing, is coming to a (device) near you!

Are you depressed, confused? Are you lonely? Are you feeling unsafe and in need of a community to call your own? Are you in love with a ghost? Sounds like you need a Buddy, friend.

With Dial-A-Buddy, all you need is a (portable transmitting device), with the add-on Dial-A-Buddy signaling attachment ($39.99), and a little bit of patience. Type a few non-sequiturs into your device like “Lemons are the fruits of the gods” or “Brouhaha at Tony’s…” and wait for a response from any one of Lankville’s 3,229 Dial-A-Buddy agents. Waiting times vary from one minute to three weeks, so have patience. Once you have received a response from a Buddy, which will probably look something like this “:-)”, rejoice! You’ve just earned yourself a new friend!

Enjoy your time with your Buddy by conducting some of the following activities:

* Drinking tea

* Petting various cats

* Breaking things in parking lots

* Dial-A-Buddy!

Make the best use of your time with your Buddy because our agents are temporarily assigned in 48 hour shifts in order to better serve the greater Lankville community. There’s a great need here. Dial-A-Buddy, today!