Archive
This Woman Came to Renew Her License– She Didn’t Notice that We Had Balloons Though!
By Dennis Updatables, Lankville Motor Vehicle House
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
I saw her when she walked through the door. Pretty little thing– she looked lost, confused, maybe she’d never had a license before, maybe she didn’t know how to renew her current license, who knew? I was about to find out.
First though, I figured she would check out our balloon selection.
That’s right. We’ve got balloons now. The Lankville Motor Vehicle House has balloons!
Boy, was I all wrong though. She walked straight by ’em, straight up to my little service counter where I have the nice plaque that says “Dennis Updatables”. That’s the handle my parents gave me, God love ’em.
“I’m here to…renew my license,” she said. She looked down at the floor. Shy little thing, that’s alright. I just tried to make her feel comfortable.
Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles
“Have a seat, Miss…?”
“Mrs,” she corrected. “Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.”
“Well, Mrs. Bundles, what can we do for you here at the Lankville Motor Vehicle House?” I sort of nodded towards the balloons. They were right behind her.
“I need to renew my license. I…I don’t drive much, Mr. Updatables. I…well…there was an accident some time ago and…”. She trailed off.
“Accidents can happen to anybody,” I said, smiling. I nodded towards the balloons again. She sure wasn’t biting though.
“It was a terrible…terrible accident Mr. Updatables. My husband…Mr. Bundles…hasn’t been the same since.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Bundles.” Why wasn’t she noticing the balloons? Balloons make everyone feel better. They were right behind her– right over her shoulder practically.
“But, I need to be able to drive him to the clinic. You see, his cousin, who is also named Lawrence W. Bundles– well, he tripped on carpet that hadn’t been nailed down properly and fell into a mine shaft. Oh, it’s terrible, Mr. Updatables.”
She began crying. What can you do for someone though? Someone who can’t see the balm to soothe their pain, the balm that is within reach, so close…so close.
I patted her on the back and some of the ladies took her to an office in the back and gave her a little paper cone of water from the cooler.
It was too bad. Too bad for Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.
Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy
By Eric “Desiree” Gelsinger
The following is a paid advertisement.
There she was, ten feet tall above me, presiding over an enchanted window. Yea, from that day forward I lived in thrall to my local pharmacist’s charms.
She appeared and disappeared. She was a goddess. Or, was she something else? I remember the hammering of my heart as I stretched to hand her a script for my warts. She was so much more mysterious than my school nurse, so much more dangerous.
I had graduated.
My early education took place in the front of the store, where I was brutalized by wonders and joy. Candy, and balloons on sticks. Trying to fit the overfull balloon on the overlong stick into the station wagon, one would pop, the other would poke you in the eye, and you’d look down to find your palms ravaged by splinters. As for the candies, you couldn’t smash them apart with a heavy scotch tape dispenser, and forget about getting your mouth around that massive wad. My classmates dislocated jaws, broke teeth, or suffocated.
But I survived to walk deeper through the store. Beneath a burned-out tube of light I wandered between the haphazard racks of toys for poor/dumb kids, and the beach toys in the dead of winter.
Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)
The seasons changed, I grew older. I trespassed into The Periodicals. How many hours did I spend on rubber legs, paging through those magazines under fluorescent lights that seemed to leave me helplessly exposed? Each session would last until my queasy feeling gave way to confusion, bodily weakness, and an obscure feeling of injustice that even today constitutes the foundation of my morality.
At last I came of age, and now there I was: the very back of the store. I was afraid my sneakers would squeak, and held my breath as I approached, but I made it. I stood before the tabernacle of adulthood, the pharmacy counter. And there she was . . . .
In the months and years to follow, the sexpot pharmacist reigned over my fantasies, a drug-dispensing despot. She’d take me for a “consultation” and lay me down. One by one she’d place orange-flavored aspirin on my tongue until I couldn’t feel my “sprained wrist,” or anything but a sweet torment I didn’t know by name . Then she’d walk her fingers down her stockinged leg, and from her perfumed shoe insert produce my eczema crème. Her gaze trained upon my face, she’d crush the sweet metallic tube until every last ounce was surrendered like a charcoal snake to her milking fist.
And at last, the expert application. All over again, yet for the first time, I was faced with the problem of stuffing an over-inflated balloon and unmanageable stick into a confined space
What was she thinking during all this? It was impossible to say. She was so professional, so in control. I, needless to say, was not. I’d open my mouth to speak but she put a finger to my lips – a finger that glistened within a mitten of hydrocortisone crème which webbed her ministering digits with gunky clumps.
When I came to, it hit me. Just what Lankville needed. Yes, some say Lankville has it all, what with our Sanduny Spa and other things. But only now does Lankville truly have it all. Introducing THE SANDUNY SPA & PHARMACY featuring Lanvkille’s own TOPLESS PHARMACISTS! One hundred percent zero top on (make that, not on!) every pharmacist supplying you with fungal crèmes, rosacea treatments, scabies cures, foot-odor palliatives, obesity pills, impotence remedies, and all the rest of your pharmacy needs.
So come on down to the Sanduny Spa & Pharmacy. Tell them Desiree sent you. She always does.
Can I Borrow Your Boombox?
By Zach Keebaugh
This isn’t an official Lankville article or anything– I’m just hoping one of you readers will let me borrow your boombox.
I’m good at taking care of things. It’ll be safe. I just want to take it camping with my new squeeze, Pat. Pat likes music. She listens to it all the time. Me, I don’t care much. But Pat wants it.
So, anyway, if I can borrow your boombox, just give me a shout on scanit.com. My scanit handle is “BigZach481”. You’ll find me.
The Casa Montecristo: An Elegant Reception Hall
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. It has a fully-staffed dining room in which the waiters all wear waistcoats, cummerbunds, and patent leather shoes with little silver buckles on the sides. There are waitresses, too; they wear smart blouses with flaring sleeves and skirts that catch the eye with nice silk tassels along the hem.
As part of our elegant reception atmosphere, Casa Montecristo provides the utmost in chafing dishes for our buffet service. They are kept warm with a Bunsen flame that hovers between 247 and 253 degrees Fahrenheit so that our veal medallions are maintained at a juicy succulence, awaiting the tongs of eager diners at just the right level of fiery heat.
Casa Montecristo features the musical stylings of Deejay Humphrey. Deejay Humphrey has fashioned the soundscape for countless wedding receptions, large hat parties, and rotary club gatherings. He comes equipped with the latest in stereophonics, along with a selection of classic hits from yesterday and today that is second to none. We are proud to have offered the services of Deejay Humphrey at Casa Montecristo every year for the past fifteen years.
Stunning women get very happy and smiley when they attend an event at the Casa Montecristo.
If you don’t hold your event at Casa Montecristo, where are you going to go? Dimitri’s? Elysium Hall? Please. Over the years we have had occasion to hire some of their former employees, and the composite picture that emerges from what they have told us about those establishments is not pretty– rolls that you really need to press into to cut with your butter knife, napkins not folded into a proper isosceles triangle shape, chairs that look comfortable, but when you sit in them, there is the distinct smell of death and horror. You get the picture.
Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. That’s really all you need to know, isn’t it? Put down whatever you’re doing, stop wondering where you’re going to hold your next party, quit fucking around, and book us today. LANKVILLE SNOWY LAKE AREA- 5271
EDITOR’S NOTE: Copy by David Hadbawnik but not the same David Hadbawnik that is a columnist for The Lankville Daily News.
A Decorative Oar Makes a Great Thanksgiving Centerpiece
By Floyd Tingley
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Now, I know what you’re thinking– the boating season’s over, all the nautical-themed outdoor decorations have been dusted off and stored inside for the long winter– there’s no call for a decorative oar right now. Well, I’m here to tell you that a decorative oar makes a great Thanksgiving centerpiece. Get your wife to lay a bed of hollies down and you’ve got yourself a real conversation starter. Get two and on the big day, you can drop that beautiful bird right down in between them. Creates symmetry, it’s pleasing to the eye. I’ve had many a repeat customer.
Right now, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we’re having a holiday sale. You pay full price (that’s $195 including customized gold-plated engraving) for your first oar and I’ll throw the second oar in for just $165. That’s a savings of $30. Times are tough these days. That $30 will come in handy.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only (I don’t have time for no nonsense). And remember: a Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
ROYER CHANGES NAME
Institutionalized Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.
“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a minimized buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated. “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”
Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.
“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures. “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and of the eye of the great marker that sleeps not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way. And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”
Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.
“SAVE THE PANDAS” DRIVE NOW ON
Fick to help pandas.
An organization of wealthy Lankville businessmen will sponsor a “Save the Pandas Day” with selected proceeds going to the cause, it was announced. Semi-portable typing machine magnate D. Fick was chosen to spearhead the initiative.
“Anything you can do to help these panda things,” Fick said, in an interview held near an area replete with small pandas. “If you can contribute $5 or just simply leave your car in a parking lot with a sign that says, “DONATED TO PANDAS”. Anything like that would really help save these panda things.”
Fick continued. “You can bring canned goods to a factory and you can just dump them wherever the hell you feel like it, even if it’s not really that close to the factory. People will know.”
Fick then ended the interview and climbed into a gigantic military vehicle with tinted windows.
DEATH CLAIMS AFFABLE BANKER CARSTAIRS
Dick Carstairs: Dead
Death came in search of affable banker Dick Carstairs yesterday afternoon. The agreeable financier was 65.
“Dick was involved in a lot of things,” noted widow Jean-Louise Carstairs, who was interviewed outside the Great Central Mountain Area Hospital while her husband lie expired inside. “He was very proud of his membership in the Chamber of Trade, his work with the Small Child Scouts and his chairmanship of our local Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. We’ll certainly miss him.”
Mrs. Carstairs (rated about a 5 of 10 by this reporter) would not disclose the cause of death despite excessive probing.
CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT IMMINENT
The Lankville Daily News will reveal the details of a new contest for readers this week, sources are indicating. Although there are conflicting rumors as to the details, some sources suggest that the prize could either be $5,000, a trip for two to a cave, or a mechanical dinosaur.
September is Presentation Oar Month
By Floyd Tingley
A particular division of the Lankville Coastal Guarders that I work for has declared September “Presentation Oar Month”. How are we gonna’ celebrate at Tingley Little Presentation Oars, you ask? By having the sale of the century, that’s how.
We’re not messing around. Right now, you can get a hand-crafted little presentation oar for just $185. Couple different styles available. Creates that nautical look in your den, club basement, boat, or rented room. Comes with a gold hand-engraved plaque. Anything you want on there*. There’s not a single person I’ve done business with that has walked away unhappy. That’s my guarantee.
How can I afford to give these little presentation oars away at that price, you ask? Because I know that once you buy one Tingley Little Presentation Oar, you’ll keep coming back to me for all your little presentation oar needs. A Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. I’ve also set up an emails address just to accommodate the orders– it’s tingleylittlepresentationoars@lankvillewest.com Hurry up and place your order. It’s Presentation Oar month, after all.
* Except for anything irreverent (I reserve the right to use my discretion).
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK