Archive for the ‘Challenges’ Category

This Woman Came to Renew Her License– She Didn’t Notice that We Had Balloons Though!

February 20, 2015 Leave a comment
By Dennis Updatables

By Dennis Updatables, Lankville Motor Vehicle House


I saw her when she walked through the door. Pretty little thing– she looked lost, confused, maybe she’d never had a license before, maybe she didn’t know how to renew her current license, who knew? I was about to find out.

First though, I figured she would check out our balloon selection.

That’s right. We’ve got balloons now. The Lankville Motor Vehicle House has balloons!

Boy, was I all wrong though. She walked straight by ’em, straight up to my little service counter where I have the nice plaque that says “Dennis Updatables”.  That’s the handle my parents gave me, God love ’em.

“I’m here to…renew my license,” she said. She looked down at the floor. Shy little thing, that’s alright. I just tried to make her feel comfortable.

Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles

Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles

“Have a seat, Miss…?”

“Mrs,” she corrected. “Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.”

“Well, Mrs. Bundles, what can we do for you here at the Lankville Motor Vehicle House?” I sort of nodded towards the balloons. They were right behind her.

“I need to renew my license. I…I don’t drive much, Mr. Updatables. I…well…there was an accident some time ago and…”. She trailed off.

“Accidents can happen to anybody,” I said, smiling. I nodded towards the balloons again. She sure wasn’t biting though.

“It was a terrible…terrible accident Mr. Updatables. My husband…Mr. Bundles…hasn’t been the same since.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Bundles.” Why wasn’t she noticing the balloons? Balloons make everyone feel better. They were right behind her– right over her shoulder practically.

“But, I need to be able to drive him to the clinic. You see, his cousin, who is also named Lawrence W. Bundles– well, he tripped on carpet that hadn’t been nailed down properly and fell into a mine shaft. Oh, it’s terrible, Mr. Updatables.”

She began crying. What can you do for someone though? Someone who can’t see the balm to soothe their pain, the balm that is within reach, so close…so close.

I patted her on the back and some of the ladies took her to an office in the back and gave her a little paper cone of water from the cooler.

It was too bad. Too bad for Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy

January 29, 2015 Leave a comment
By Eric "Desiree" Gelsinger

By Eric “Desiree” Gelsinger

The following is a paid advertisement.

There she was, ten feet tall above me, presiding over an enchanted window. Yea, from that day forward I lived in thrall to my local pharmacist’s charms.

She appeared and disappeared. She was a goddess. Or, was she something else? I remember the hammering of my heart as I stretched to hand her a script for my warts. She was so much more mysterious than my school nurse, so much more dangerous.

I had graduated.

My early education took place in the front of the store, where I was brutalized by wonders and joy. Candy, and balloons on sticks. Trying to fit the overfull balloon on the overlong stick into the station wagon, one would pop, the other would poke you in the eye, and you’d look down to find your palms ravaged by splinters. As for the candies, you couldn’t smash them apart with a heavy scotch tape dispenser, and forget about getting your mouth around that massive wad. My classmates dislocated jaws, broke teeth, or suffocated.

But I survived to walk deeper through the store. Beneath a burned-out tube of light I wandered between the haphazard racks of toys for poor/dumb kids, and the beach toys in the dead of winter.

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)

The seasons changed, I grew older. I trespassed into The Periodicals. How many hours did I spend on rubber legs, paging through those magazines under fluorescent lights that seemed to leave me helplessly exposed? Each session would last until my queasy feeling gave way to confusion, bodily weakness, and an obscure feeling of injustice that even today constitutes the foundation of my morality.

At last I came of age, and now there I was: the very back of the store. I was afraid my sneakers would squeak, and held my breath as I approached, but I made it. I stood before the tabernacle of adulthood, the pharmacy counter. And there she was . . . .

In the months and years to follow, the sexpot pharmacist reigned over my fantasies, a drug-dispensing despot. She’d take me for a “consultation” and lay me down. One by one she’d place orange-flavored aspirin on my tongue until I couldn’t feel my “sprained wrist,” or anything but a sweet torment I didn’t know by name . Then she’d walk her fingers down her stockinged leg, and from her perfumed shoe insert produce my eczema crème. Her gaze trained upon my face, she’d crush the sweet metallic tube until every last ounce was surrendered like a charcoal snake to her milking fist.

And at last, the expert application. All over again, yet for the first time, I was faced with the problem of stuffing an over-inflated balloon and unmanageable stick into a confined space

What was she thinking during all this? It was impossible to say. She was so professional, so in control. I, needless to say, was not. I’d open my mouth to speak but she put a finger to my lips – a finger that glistened within a mitten of hydrocortisone crème which webbed her ministering digits with gunky clumps.

When I came to, it hit me. Just what Lankville needed. Yes, some say Lankville has it all, what with our Sanduny Spa and other things. But only now does Lankville truly have it all. Introducing THE SANDUNY SPA & PHARMACY featuring Lanvkille’s own TOPLESS PHARMACISTS! One hundred percent zero top on (make that, not on!) every pharmacist supplying you with fungal crèmes, rosacea treatments, scabies cures, foot-odor palliatives, obesity pills, impotence remedies, and all the rest of your pharmacy needs.

So come on down to the Sanduny Spa & Pharmacy. Tell them Desiree sent you. She always does.

Can I Borrow Your Boombox?

January 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

This isn’t an official Lankville article or anything– I’m just hoping one of you readers will let me borrow your boombox.

I’m good at taking care of things. It’ll be safe. I just want to take it camping with my new squeeze, Pat. Pat likes music. She listens to it all the time. Me, I don’t care much. But Pat wants it.

So, anyway, if I can borrow your boombox, just give me a shout on My scanit handle is “BigZach481”. You’ll find me.

The Casa Montecristo: An Elegant Reception Hall

November 24, 2014 Leave a comment


Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. It has a fully-staffed dining room in which the waiters all wear waistcoats, cummerbunds, and patent leather shoes with little silver buckles on the sides. There are waitresses, too; they wear smart blouses with flaring sleeves and skirts that catch the eye with nice silk tassels along the hem.

As part of our elegant reception atmosphere, Casa Montecristo provides the utmost in chafing dishes for our buffet service. They are kept warm with a Bunsen flame that hovers between 247 and 253 degrees Fahrenheit so that our veal medallions are maintained at a juicy succulence, awaiting the tongs of eager diners at just the right level of fiery heat.

Casa Montecristo features the musical stylings of Deejay Humphrey. Deejay Humphrey has fashioned the soundscape for countless wedding receptions, large hat parties, and rotary club gatherings. He comes equipped with the latest in stereophonics, along with a selection of classic hits from yesterday and today that is second to none. We are proud to have offered the services of Deejay Humphrey at Casa Montecristo every year for the past fifteen years.

Stunning women get very happy and smiley when they attend an event at the Casa Montecristo.

Stunning women get very happy and smiley when they attend an event at the Casa Montecristo.

If you don’t hold your event at Casa Montecristo, where are you going to go? Dimitri’s? Elysium Hall? Please. Over the years we have had occasion to hire some of their former employees, and the composite picture that emerges from what they have told us about those establishments is not pretty– rolls that you really need to press into to cut with your butter knife, napkins not folded into a proper isosceles triangle shape, chairs that look comfortable, but when you sit in them, there is the distinct smell of death and horror. You get the picture.

Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. That’s really all you need to know, isn’t it? Put down whatever you’re doing, stop wondering where you’re going to hold your next party, quit fucking around, and book us today. LANKVILLE SNOWY LAKE AREA- 5271

EDITOR’S NOTE: Copy by David Hadbawnik but not the same David Hadbawnik that is a columnist for The Lankville Daily News.

A Decorative Oar Makes a Great Thanksgiving Centerpiece

November 18, 2014 Leave a comment
By Floyd Tingley

By Floyd Tingley


Now, I know what you’re thinking– the boating season’s over, all the nautical-themed outdoor decorations have been dusted off and stored inside for the long winter– there’s no call for a decorative oar right now. Well, I’m here to tell you that a decorative oar makes a great Thanksgiving centerpiece. Get your wife to lay a bed of hollies down and you’ve got yourself a real conversation starter. Get two and on the big day, you can drop that beautiful bird right down in between them. Creates symmetry, it’s pleasing to the eye. I’ve had many a repeat customer.

Right now, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we’re having a holiday sale. You pay full price (that’s $195 including customized gold-plated engraving) for your first oar and I’ll throw the second oar in for just $165. That’s a savings of $30. Times are tough these days. That $30 will come in handy.

You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only (I don’t have time for no nonsense). And remember: a Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.

This Week in Lankville

September 29, 2014 Leave a comment
Kimball J. Cranney

Kimball J. Cranney


Institutionalized Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.

“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a minimized buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated. “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”

Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.

“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures. “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and of the eye of the great marker that sleeps not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way. And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”

Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.


Fick to help pandas.

Fick to help pandas.

An organization of wealthy Lankville businessmen will sponsor a “Save the Pandas Day” with selected proceeds going to the cause, it was announced.  Semi-portable typing machine magnate D. Fick was chosen to spearhead the initiative.

“Anything you can do to help these panda things,” Fick said, in an interview held near an area replete with small pandas.  “If you can contribute $5 or just simply leave your car in a parking lot with a sign that says, “DONATED TO PANDAS”.  Anything like that would really help save these panda things.”

Fick continued.  “You can bring canned goods to a factory and you can just dump them wherever the hell you feel like it, even if it’s not really that close to the factory. People will know.”

Fick then ended the interview and climbed into a gigantic military vehicle with tinted windows.


Dick Carstairs: Dead

Dick Carstairs: Dead

Death came in search of affable banker Dick Carstairs yesterday afternoon.  The agreeable financier was 65.

“Dick was involved in a lot of things,” noted widow Jean-Louise Carstairs, who was interviewed outside the Great Central Mountain Area Hospital while her husband lie expired inside.  “He was very proud of his membership in the Chamber of Trade, his work with the Small Child Scouts and his chairmanship of our local Koala Bears and Walnuts Club.  We’ll certainly miss him.”

Mrs. Carstairs (rated about a 5 of 10 by this reporter) would not disclose the cause of death despite excessive probing.


The Lankville Daily News will reveal the details of a new contest for readers this week, sources are indicating.  Although there are conflicting rumors as to the details, some sources suggest that the prize could either be $5,000, a trip for two to a cave, or a mechanical dinosaur.

September is Presentation Oar Month

September 5, 2014 1 comment
By Floyd Tingley

By Floyd Tingley

A particular division of the Lankville Coastal Guarders that I work for has declared September “Presentation Oar Month”. How are we gonna’ celebrate at Tingley Little Presentation Oars, you ask? By having the sale of the century, that’s how.

We’re not messing around. Right now, you can get a hand-crafted little presentation oar for just $185. Couple different styles available. Creates that nautical look in your den, club basement, boat, or rented room.  Comes with a gold hand-engraved plaque. Anything you want on there*. There’s not a single person I’ve done business with that has walked away unhappy. That’s my guarantee.

How can I afford to give these little presentation oars away at that price, you ask? Because I know that once you buy one Tingley Little Presentation Oar, you’ll keep coming back to me for all your little presentation oar needs. A Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.

You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. I’ve also set up an emails address just to accommodate the orders– it’s Hurry up and place your order. It’s Presentation Oar month, after all.

* Except for anything irreverent (I reserve the right to use my discretion).

The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.

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