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This Week in Lankville

September 29, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
Kimball J. Cranney

Kimball J. Cranney


Institutionalized Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.

“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a minimized buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated. “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”

Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.

“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures. “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and of the eye of the great marker that sleeps not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way. And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”

Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.


Fick to help pandas.

Fick to help pandas.

An organization of wealthy Lankville businessmen will sponsor a “Save the Pandas Day” with selected proceeds going to the cause, it was announced.  Semi-portable typing machine magnate D. Fick was chosen to spearhead the initiative.

“Anything you can do to help these panda things,” Fick said, in an interview held near an area replete with small pandas.  “If you can contribute $5 or just simply leave your car in a parking lot with a sign that says, “DONATED TO PANDAS”.  Anything like that would really help save these panda things.”

Fick continued.  “You can bring canned goods to a factory and you can just dump them wherever the hell you feel like it, even if it’s not really that close to the factory. People will know.”

Fick then ended the interview and climbed into a gigantic military vehicle with tinted windows.


Dick Carstairs: Dead

Dick Carstairs: Dead

Death came in search of affable banker Dick Carstairs yesterday afternoon.  The agreeable financier was 65.

“Dick was involved in a lot of things,” noted widow Jean-Louise Carstairs, who was interviewed outside the Great Central Mountain Area Hospital while her husband lie expired inside.  “He was very proud of his membership in the Chamber of Trade, his work with the Small Child Scouts and his chairmanship of our local Koala Bears and Walnuts Club.  We’ll certainly miss him.”

Mrs. Carstairs (rated about a 5 of 10 by this reporter) would not disclose the cause of death despite excessive probing.


The Lankville Daily News will reveal the details of a new contest for readers this week, sources are indicating.  Although there are conflicting rumors as to the details, some sources suggest that the prize could either be $5,000, a trip for two to a cave, or a mechanical dinosaur.

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