The Lankville Daily News

Sarah Samways, Contributing Female, crying while underwater.

GIRL SPILLS MILK, CRIES FOR DAYS

Resident “sad girl”, Desdemona Dylan, 19, is reported to have suffered from severe ennui with a touch of a hysteria after spilling a glass of almond milk yesterday morning. Too absorbed in a book of poetry that she was reading, she failed to see where the edge of her kitchen table was and placed the glass down into thin air. Gravity withstanding, the glass shattered onto the hardwood floor and all its contents went to waste. Dylan’s cat got frightened and ran out of the room. Witnesses were on the scene.

“She’s having a really hard time right now,” said an unnamed roommate of Dylan’s, “that was the last of her almond milk until she gets paid from CafHey!, that donut shop that she works at. It’s a big loss.”

Dylan, the sad girl, crying (file photo).

“They make all the girls wear these tight shirts and black yoga pants in order to make tips at the drive-thru window,” claimed Dylan, in between sobs, “and they make sure all the products are up on the highest shelves so when you reach up to get stuff for customers, you’re pretty much always giving them a peek at something. The manager always adjusts our name tags while breathing really heavily and I’m pretty sure I saw a hole in the wall of the employee bathroom. But it’s like, a job so…”

Upon hearing these allegations, CafHey! could not be reached for comments. A crowdsourcing fund to help Dylan get another carton of milk is in the works.

MIRACLE MONEY FLIES STRAIGHT OUT FROM AREA WOMAN’S ASS

Sources are reporting a strange event that occurred at approximately 6PM last night. Area woman, Felicity Finch, 36, compounded by debt and demons, began to excrete twenty dollar bills in quick succession.

“It was quite a scene,” said on-looker Bill Golden, “I was just walking through the park and all of a sudden I see this woman hunched over in pain and then begin to shoot money out of her ass. It was disturbing but fortuitous and, to be frank, I did kind of enjoy it. Things haven’t really gone as I had hoped.”

The event lasted for a good hour and a half and resulted in a pile of money totalling over a thousand dollars. Finch was immediately taken to the hospital via ambulance and was fully examined. Dr. Punav Suresh, the first on the scene, was baffled.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before. The patient did not consume money because she didn’t have any to begin with. What appears to have happened is that due to the high volume of stress caused from the constant chatter of bill collectors, student loans, and random people hitting her up for money, her body took over and provided. It provided in a big way. We are only just beginning to understand the miracles of human anatomy. The body can heal itself in all kinds of amazing ways. All her problems are solved and she looks great.”

The Lankville Daily News soon realized that this sounded like an allegory for prostitution and gave Dr. Suresh a finger wag and a furrowed brow like you wouldn’t believe.

LOCAL TEENS MUMBLE, “GIRL BAND” IN SIGHT

Some local teenage girls were seen breaking beer bottles with baseball bats in an empty parking lot yesterday afternoon. Stolen grocery store carriages were being used for transportation and candy was consumed. One girl was heard to be devising an all-girl punk band for sport and spite, the others agreed reluctantly.

“We can’t play the instruments, but we can learn,” the leader said triumphantly, “We may not know how to read music, but I hear it’s all self-explanatory! We may not have a place to practice but we can break into people’s basements after work! So we have nothing to say, we’ll lead agonizing lives intentionally until we do have something to say! We may be ugly and have crippling stage fright and be kinda dumb, we’ll just put bags over our heads so the audience doesn’t have to see us and we don’t have to see them!”

Running out of breath, the leader collapsed onto the pavement. The other teens mumbled and began taking selfies. The “meeting” later reconvened and everyone forgot what was said.

“We should totally start a band,” said one.

The leader later died.

By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

DUMB BITCH CAN’T CONNECT

Dubbed the town’s “dumb bitch,” Abby Basic, 25, was seen running around town trying to plug cords and various wires into people as if they were wall sockets. Lifting up people’s shirts and pulling down their pants in local eateries and teen hangouts, Basic attempted to plug disconnected phone chargers, power adapters, and extension cords into patrons’ orifices. Chef and restaurateur of the popular 4 ¾ starred X86 Bistro, Mark Garabedian, was “…in complete shock” and had to restrain Basic himself with the help of an unnamed busboy.

“It was horrible. This awful woman barged in past the maître d’, covered head-to-toe in all these wires that weren’t plugged into anything and then was harassing all the patrons. She kept yelling ‘I’m trying to connect!’ and then proceeded to literally plug people. I ended up having to grab her myself before the authorities got here. Plus, the bouillabaisse had too much saffron in it. It was an absolute nightmare,” said Garabedian.

Although most patrons were unharmed and only sustained minor injuries to their psyches, one local man was sent to the hospital. While sipping the bouillabaisse, the man, who wished to remain anonymous at press time, was accosted from behind as Basic managed to briefly insert a Reckoner power cord into his buttocks. “It hurt like hell and I’m traumatized for life. The bouillabaisse was a little over-spiced but all in all, the decor was nice and the general ambience of the place was pleasant so yeah, I’d go again,” said the unidentified man from a gurney. Basic was immediately deemed mentally unstable for trial and will be sent to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness for treatment.

X86 Bistro is located in the Jewelry District of downtown Lankville and serves an exotic array of international cuisine. Open Monday through Saturday for lunch and dinner, reservations must be made 3 days prior. Menu and tap water are available upon request.

THIS JUST IN!

WORLD AWAITS WRITER’S EPIPHANY

Poet Laureate, Best-Selling Book Author, Avid Reader, and Quicker Picker-Upper, Virginia Branches, is in what some are calling “a deep funk.” In Branches’ formative years as a struggling intern at our very own Lankville Daily News, she was often attributed with the superlative “Most Likely to Do Something.” Writing thousands of articles, each one “a gem,” she soon went on to write a series of successful young adult novels about a girl who only communicates in iambic pentameter, much to the dismay of everyone else around her. These novels were then turned into arthouse plays which were then transformed into blockbuster movies, garnering Branches much fame and fortune.

Another stock image we bought off a guy in an alley.

It’s been five years since Branches’ last piece, an open love letter to persona non grata Carlisle Cordate, was published in numerous newspapers, magazines, and electronic formats around the world. Hailed by critics as “brave, very stupid, and lovely,” Love Letter, quickly became the most translated work by a living author in Lankville’s history. Not long after its publicity however, Branches went into hiding and wasn’t “heard from” in any written form ever since. A source close to Branches suggested “…she has nothing left to say,” while others are more skeptical, believing Branches to be sitting on work in order to build momentum for another best-seller. Whatever the case may be, the world awaits her words.

THIS JUST IN!

WOMAN DISGUSTED BY OPEN JAR OF MAYONNAISE

“Are you kidding me with this shit?” exclaimed area woman, Jazzy Juniper, 58, at the recent Collateral Condiments Convention held at Vitiello Hams Arena. Connaisseurs of liquids and sauces alike rejoiced as local chefs dazzled the heart and stomach with taste testings and recipe demonstrations. Gilbert Guy-Gui and Felicia Weakforce, stars of the racy flick 22 Stains of Mustard based upon the popular paperback of the same name were on site, signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. When Juniper approached their table, she noticed an open container of mayonnaise sitting near the edge. Apparently so outraged by the condiment’s color, texture, odor, lack of refrigeration and general “glistening,” she ripped out a lock of Weakforce’s hair and punched Guy-Gui in the face. “How could you let this happen?!” Juniper yelled as security escorted the deranged woman out of the arena.

Juniper has been assigned a court appointed lawyer who could not be reached for further comments, questions, or concerns.

Sarah Samways, Contributing Female

I sat down with horticulturist extraordinaire, Sally Bolting, as she explained to me the ways in which to care for rare plants in a fragile ecosystem. Lankville, although most notably attributed with having vast and shiny malls, also contains sprawling gardens and intricately designed shrubs. I promise they’re there, right behind the malls and to the left. Yes, those.

Sally Bolting

BOLTING: The key to every garden is patience, persistence, and potting soil. I call ‘em the three Ps…

SAMWAYS: Is there a particular brand of potting soil that you would suggest to our readers?

SB: (long pause) It’s dirt. You’re missing the point, here. Now, shut up and listen. You see these bright, yellow Fidgetywhatsits? These crimson Welldontchaknows? They need sustenance every three hours; water and sunlight on their leaves is necessary on a consistent basis.

SS: Really? That seems like overkill.

SB: In order to maintain their lovely hues and prevent their buds from maturing, you’ve really gotta be on top of them. It sounds strange but once their buds bloom, they die.

SS: Isn’t that logic backward, somehow?

A garden in the woods behind the mall.

SB: Well, what with the Lankville smog and all, the process of photosynthesis in Lankvillian plants is completely different than the norm. That’s what makes these things so fantastic and rare.

SS: Ah, I see. What are these big purple ones? It appears as if you’ve sprayed them with glitter…

SB: Funnily enough, I didn’t. These are called Velvet Violences and they’re quite the show-stopper in any garden and that glitter effect you see is actually a defense mechanism against predatory insects that may try to feed upon it.

SS: Wow! How does that work?

SB: The details on how this process really works is still being studied in labs but basically, these flowers excrete this odorless, goo-like substance, or glitter, if you will, all over their petals whenever a insect tries to feed.

SS: Oh, so it’s a attract and repel type of thing?

SB: In layman’s terms, I suppose. They’re completely harmless otherwise. Basic hydration and general culling techniques are best for these, they make for a pretty hardy plant throughout the year.

SS: Spring has truly sprung! Now what are all these wonderful vines that surround us? They’re absolutely stunning and correct me if I’m wrong, but are we walking through a patch of ivy?

SB: You are wrong and we are not and don’t touch any of it. It’s all poisonous, touch it and prepare to die.

Silently, we then walked out of the tunnel of unidentified poisons. I attempted to rehash our interview by pointing out different plants along the way but was unsuccessful. Sally Bolting sure is one tough old broad.

By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

It’s been awhile since we last spoke, Lankville, but I promise I have not forgotten you. I’ve been out in the deepest regions of Little Hometown on assignment and have been trying to stay alive. While I was dodging Molotov cocktails from threatening armies and avoiding booby traps, I insisted on staying positive (if only for my crew’s sake). It’s all about perspective, now isn’t it?

We went on foot to discover if any bumpkins had scurried into the trees out of fright. I wanted to know what was going on here but again, I had fallen short of any real answers. I scribbled things on bits of leaves at random parts of the day, tossing aside the ones that I deemed incomplete thoughts on the spot. These equations only fueled more theories and none of them mattered. A young, nervous sort of fellow fell upon my leaves and decided to role play as a reporter, flipping things if only to pass the time in this crazy, messed up place. I looked around but my crew was no where to be found.

“So, you went to Lankville University right?”

Humorous stock photo that we purchased from this guy that we met online.

“Yeah…”

“Cool, you from Lankville?”

“No, I didn’t want to be in Little Hometown anymore so I traveled far away to Lankville.”

But there we stood, right in the heart of Little Hometown; it made not one lick of sense but life is like that, ever-cycling. He became more nervous, muttered something and then left. I muttered something sympathetically and returned to my leaves. A member of my journalistic crew reminded me of a slap across the face that I had given someone in need several years ago and it made me think of you, Lankville.

Lankville, you aren’t as fragile as you were to be perceived in daylight. You won’t fall down. When someone gives you a good punch in the face, it’s probably filled with roses. Think of all you’ve lived through and think of all you’ll continue to live through. This life was not meant to be easy, it was meant to be interesting. There has to be some little part of you that you feel contributes to something, anything bigger than yourself (or at least your Reckoner)! You have to take time to breathe. Meditate, drink some tea, clip your toenails, feel yourself up in a corner somewhere, if that’s your fancy. Whatever you do, don’t let doubt be your only friend. Now, they say that those who divvy out advice rarely adhere to or struggle daily with it, and I wholeheartedly agree.

Namaste,

Sarah

By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

Local school teacher Stevette Debbie, 32, failed her entire first grade class as of yesterday, early evening.

“These kids are idiots, to be honest with you,” claimed Debbie. “They will never learn!”

Ms. Debbie was then seen putting large red Xs on student papers, while furiously gulping down jasmine tea. Some papers even received a blunt “F U!”

When probed as to why there is so much failure afoot and how she can even determine that at such a young age, Ms. Debbie put it simply: “Genetics. Most are just born dumb, mean, and creepy. Some learn it over time, through unfortunate experiences, and at no real fault of their own. Some try to fly under the radar because they don’t want to be chastised by their peers or fall victim to a youth challenge and so they pretend to be stupid but that’s just another form of stupidity.”

Teacher Stevette Debbie who lists her age as “32”.

Looking at Ms. Debbie’s classroom, one would never suspect the stupidity that lies there. All seem oddly formal wearing bow ties and cardigans; perfect little gentlemen and ladies. Upon closer inspection, however, you will notice their vacant, beady little eyes. What has happened to Lankville’s youth?

“Don’t get me started on that little freak in the corner. He’s tall for his age and he’s always asking to braid the foreign girl’s hair. They’re awful, the whole lot of them!”

Asked if the situation could change, if there is any hope for Lankville’s children, Ms. Debbie, says, “Stop believing in them and maybe they’ll take notice and really buckle down. I doubt it though, they really are the worst.”

In an unrelated story, scientists are taking samples from the local water supply and will be conducting several litmus tests.

Why is Santa wearing jeans?

A Selection from Our Heavy Bursting Christmas Mail Sack

Well, it’s the day after Christmas and our editor’s office has been flooded with letters from you, our loyal readers. These range in topic from “How long do I cook the Decorative Ham?” to “How much tinsel is too much tinsel?” and “What polish should I use to clean my new aluminum baseball bat?” THESE ARE ALL VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS LANKVILLE AND WE LOVE YOU FOR IT. But there was one letter from a little girl that was particularly heartwarming:

Dear Lankville Daily News,

Why is Santa wearing jeans? Why does he sometimes smoke cigarettes and wear aviator sunglasses, even at nighttime? Why does he call the school librarian ‘Mama’? I really don’t think that’s his mama.

Merry Xmas,

Veronica

Mr. Fick of Fick Industries (who drew the short straw this year and was placed in charge of incoming mail) was touched by this letter and wanted to respond but is totally overloaded with all the other letters from Lankvillians so I was asked to handle it.

So, yes Veronica there is a Santa Claus and sometimes he does wear jeans. Sometimes he does smoke cigarettes and wear aviator sunglasses, even at nighttime. Sometimes he has a thick, white beard and sometimes he has five o’clock shadow and red eyes (to match his suit, of course). Sometimes he brings a sack of gifts and sometimes he’s just a really great listener. Sometimes he’s got a jelly belly and sometimes he’s quite thin. Now, this may get a little confusing for you but not to worry, because Santa, just like the holiday season itself, is magical!

Santa can change his appearance at whim because he’s full of magic! He’s very old and occasionally wants a new look but he’s still the same guy at heart! Santa is also human so we have to forgive his flaws too. The whole smoking thing isn’t great but sometimes he doesn’t know how to handle stress in any other way. He’s a guy that gives and gives and gives and all he gets is a few cookies and a glass of milk and well, that can get to a guy. So this Christmas, lay out a pack of nicotine gum and tell Santa that you’re rooting for him, thank him for all he does and then promptly leave the room.

I hope that answers your questions, Veronica! Merry Christmas, Lankville!

Joy,

Sarah
(Contributing Female)

The holidays are here and they’re here to stay on your couch for a couple of days until things get better with the ol’ ball and chain. Did November kind of fly by and leave you hanging? You haven’t bought any gifts yet?! Not to worry! Here, I’ve provided some simple solutions for the last minute shopper on a shoestring budget.

TECHNOLOGY

Sure, everybody wants a “Reckoner”– who wouldn’t? But in lieu of the latest gizmos and gadgets which are great but expensive, show that special someone how much you care with the gift that keeps on giving: a package of used AAA batteries. Tell them “…it’s an investment that will grow over time.” They will wither with anticipation for Christmases to come. Be sure to include a homemade card! Wrap with festive newspaper and decorative hairbands.

JEWELRY

The author makes a “snow thing”. It’s free to make “snow things!”

So, you saw your sweetie eyeing that sparkly choker in the shop window…But it’s a little out of your price range. I’ve got you covered! Macaroni necklaces are always in style! If you’re feeling especially creative, use some tri-color rotini for a bold statement carcanet. If you perhaps follow a gluten-free lifestyle, skip the pasta necklaces and go for a more modern look with silver paperclips. Soda pop tabs are also an option. Really, the sky’s the limit!

TRAVEL

Do you and your loved one need to get out of Dodge (and fast)? Get out of that negative head space and into a destination unknown! Lankville City, the Great Mystery Savannah, the Lankville Big Mountains – these are all fabulous getaways, but they’re not for you. You broke bitch. Never fear, there’s nothing a little construction paper and glitter can’t fix! Make collages, or vision boards, as you might call them if you’re from out of town, using magazine clippings, pretty buttons, and crayons. Tape them above your bed and invite your loved one to join you in “paradise.” It’s sure to be the gift that keeps on giving!

KIDDOS

Do you have a bunch of children tugging at the hem of your apron, begging you for toys they’ve seen on the television? They’re good kids and you want them to be happy but there’s no way in hell that they’re getting that newfangled Eskimo Kiss Wally with opposable thumbs. It’s not in the budget and you already gave away your AAA batteries. Maybe next year! But just so the little kiddos don’t get too upset, improvise! Sock puppets are the natural choice but feel free to think outside of the bun – anything can be your littlun’s new friend! A rock collection in an old tissue box, leftover gourds, squeaky dog chews, an apple with googly eyes glued on it…Your kids will love them all!

Be sure to leave any questions/concerns in the comments section below and let me know how this works out for you. Happy Holidays, Lankville!

Joy,

Sarah