THIS JUST IN!

By Sarah Samways

By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

DUMB BITCH CAN’T CONNECT

Dubbed the town’s “dumb bitch,” Abby Basic, 25, was seen running around town trying to plug cords and various wires into people as if they were wall sockets. Lifting up people’s shirts and pulling down their pants in local eateries and teen hangouts, Basic attempted to plug disconnected phone chargers, power adapters, and extension cords into patrons’ orifices. Chef and restaurateur of the popular 4 ¾ starred X86 Bistro, Mark Garabedian, was “…in complete shock” and had to restrain Basic himself with the help of an unnamed busboy.

“It was horrible. This awful woman barged in past the maître d’, covered head-to-toe in all these wires that weren’t plugged into anything and then was harassing all the patrons. She kept yelling ‘I’m trying to connect!’ and then proceeded to literally plug people. I ended up having to grab her myself before the authorities got here. Plus, the bouillabaisse had too much saffron in it. It was an absolute nightmare,” said Garabedian.

Although most patrons were unharmed and only sustained minor injuries to their psyches, one local man was sent to the hospital. While sipping the bouillabaisse, the man, who wished to remain anonymous at press time, was accosted from behind as Basic managed to briefly insert a Reckoner power cord into his buttocks. “It hurt like hell and I’m traumatized for life. The bouillabaisse was a little over-spiced but all in all, the decor was nice and the general ambience of the place was pleasant so yeah, I’d go again,” said the unidentified man from a gurney. Basic was immediately deemed mentally unstable for trial and will be sent to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness for treatment.

X86 Bistro is located in the Jewelry District of downtown Lankville and serves an exotic array of international cuisine. Open Monday through Saturday for lunch and dinner, reservations must be made 3 days prior. Menu and tap water are available upon request.

THIS JUST IN!

WORLD AWAITS WRITER’S EPIPHANY

Poet Laureate, Best-Selling Book Author, Avid Reader, and Quicker Picker-Upper, Virginia Branches, is in what some are calling “a deep funk.” In Branches’ formative years as a struggling intern at our very own Lankville Daily News, she was often attributed with the superlative “Most Likely to Do Something.” Writing thousands of articles, each one “a gem,” she soon went on to write a series of successful young adult novels about a girl who only communicates in iambic pentameter, much to the dismay of everyone else around her. These novels were then turned into arthouse plays which were then transformed into blockbuster movies, garnering Branches much fame and fortune.

Another stock image we bought off a guy in an alley.

Another stock image we bought off a guy in an alley.

It’s been five years since Branches’ last piece, an open love letter to persona non grata Carlisle Cordate, was published in numerous newspapers, magazines, and electronic formats around the world. Hailed by critics as “brave, very stupid, and lovely,” Love Letter, quickly became the most translated work by a living author in Lankville’s history. Not long after its publicity however, Branches went into hiding and wasn’t “heard from” in any written form ever since. A source close to Branches suggested “…she has nothing left to say,” while others are more skeptical, believing Branches to be sitting on work in order to build momentum for another best-seller. Whatever the case may be, the world awaits her words.

THIS JUST IN!

WOMAN DISGUSTED BY OPEN JAR OF MAYONNAISE

“Are you kidding me with this shit?” exclaimed area woman, Jazzy Juniper, 58, at the recent Collateral Condiments Convention held at Vitiello Hams Arena. Connaisseurs of liquids and sauces alike rejoiced as local chefs dazzled the heart and stomach with taste testings and recipe demonstrations. Gilbert Guy-Gui and Felicia Weakforce, stars of the racy flick 22 Stains of Mustard based upon the popular paperback of the same name were on site, signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. When Juniper approached their table, she noticed an open container of mayonnaise sitting near the edge. Apparently so outraged by the condiment’s color, texture, odor, lack of refrigeration and general “glistening,” she ripped out a lock of Weakforce’s hair and punched Guy-Gui in the face. “How could you let this happen?!” Juniper yelled as security escorted the deranged woman out of the arena.

Juniper has been assigned a court appointed lawyer who could not be reached for further comments, questions, or concerns.

  1. April 17, 2015 at 11:08 am

    Reblogged this on SARAH SAMWAYS.

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