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Lankville Economic Report by Sarah Samways

December 19, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

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Sarah Samways is Lankville’s premier authority on economics. She is the Chief Probing Officer of the Quality Assuredness Department. She maintains an individual digital network station at sarahsamways.com

In this past quarter we’ve noticed a spike in washing tables, holding strong at 85%. 10% of the time is spent complaining about it, knowing full well that “ya do what ya gotta do,” “it could be worse,” “you’ve got a roof over your head and food in your belly” and “blindly accepting the status quo could just save your soul from a trip to a mental institution.” Ambition levels, on a separate scale, of course, are through the roof (this is a trend that despite time and life struggle variables seems to never really change, and in some cases, gets stronger). We call this the Hope Factor. This, when polling our focus group, just doesn’t seem to make any sense. Apparently, the pain associated with multiple failures when trying to “succeed” again and again isn’t their cup of tea. In fact they don’t drink tea, carbonated beverages are more their thing anyway. They later forgot about the survey and went out to get some popcorn.

2% of the time is wasted upon viewing flesh-toned-pixels melting and corroding in piles, pretending there’s a personal connection just to get through it. When probed, stimulation is rarely achieved, because our sensors “know too much.” The other 3% is a myriad of intense thoughtfulness, problem solving (on an accurate scale), daydreaming, heartache, the making of new friends and/or acquaintances, and various cat petting.

There is however another trend that is growing at an alarming rate, much to the chagrin of The Man, the creation of content. It’s skyrocketed from a measly 6-7.5% to 72%! We can attribute this to a few things: the reading of and inspiration from other content, a total lack of respect for The Man, a resurgence of power, love/lust, that prefrontal cortex thing everyone talks about, the absolute demand for a better life for one’s family, and the Hope Factor.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this study and perhaps we’ll make eye contact IRL! As always, feel free to click buttons as a sign of your approval, (this data will then be pulled and tucked safely away in storage containers for further analyzation). You guys are the best!

XOXO,
Quality Unified Assuredness Department

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  1. December 19, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    I am honored to be a part of the team! It’s so nice to know that my life has meaning now! Thank you, Lankville Daily News!

  2. December 19, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Reblogged this on SARAH SAMWAYS and commented:
    Devon Fick: “The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to welcome aboard new columnist Sarah Samways.” (Note: The feeling is mutual!)

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