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OPINION: Curing Rectal Cancer Naturally with Brian Schropp

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Brian Schropp is not to be confused with Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp or UFOlogist Brian Schropp or ‘The Power of Tolerable’ Brian Schropp.

Some might say that I’m no doctor, that I have no reason to even broach the subject of this sensitive issue.  Little do most know of my Schropp bloodline’s battle and struggle with this particular deadly cancer which strikes the male members young.  There has been many a family gathering where I would see an uncle or distant cousin- bright, healthy, pooping away with all the vigor of life, only to hear of their swift tragic death shortly thereafter.  Our bloodline is even known to marry and breed like ‘horny jackrabbits’ at an early age (usually around fourteen) NOT because we are weird perverted scum but because of this exact reason!!

That’s why I have made it my life’s work to find a cure for this horrid misery known as rectal cancer.  Now, after many years of in-depth research I am proud to say I have stumbled upon a possible cure. While down in the Lankville Islands I ironically found another ‘Brian Schropp’ who was born and bred (but not a native) on one of the smaller islands called ‘Pineapple Town’. (I also found another Brian Schropp who seemed a bit of an imbecile muttering about pizza sauce but that is neither here nor there to this subject). The island-born Brian Schropp told me of this of this ‘miracle berry’ which was used as a ‘cure all’ for most medical related problems on this isle. Excited by the potential promise of this berry, we went out into the jungle to pick a few. Luckily I brought a microscope with me, so I was able to examine these berries right away. And let me tell you the DNA structure and make-up of these are like nothing I have ever seen before!!

I knew right then and there (sorry readers for the graphic description to come) that anyone suffering from any stage of rectal cancer could rub these berries in and around their rectum, including inside the ‘poop chute’, would be cured. After picking as many berries as the natives would allow I am back here to give hope and light to the suffering.

The mysterious berry from 'Pineapple Town' island

The mysterious berry from ‘Pineapple Town’ island

I wish my all my heart I could just give you these berries for free. Unfortunately, I need to pay for my expenses plus the years and years of other research I have done. I have concluded that a small glass container (approximately fifteen berries) will get you started on the road to recovery. Each container I will be selling for $900 (before tax). Now some of you might say, that’s a pretty steep price. But really is there too high a price for not suffering, for having the gift of LIFE? This will also include ONE plastic syringe to help with the ‘poop chute’ area.

I hope to go next year during the ‘berry season’ to get a new batch. For fear of money hungry dirt bags finding exactly where these berries are on the island I have the word of Brian Schropp (not the imbecile one) and the natives that they will kill anyone else trying to get to this precious resource. In fact just writing that last sentence I will have to put the price up to $1100 to help pay for this protection.
Interested parties please contact me at PO BOX 478 Deep Deep Southeastern Suburban Lankville.
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