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Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

July 3, 2016 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

It was evening. The crazy old broad had called my room at the Murray. I was about halfway to a drunk.

“A guy came down from the north, an important client,” she said. “Bring your case.”

She hung up. I sat there a minute and then Tibbs came on the line.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARE YOU DONE WITH THE LINE, MR. OATES?”

“Yeah, Tibbs. Take it.”

I splashed some water on my face and straightened my tie. I went out the staircase.

There was a couple crossing the back parking lot– big blonde guy, football player type, and a tiny redhead with a complicated sculpted hairdoo.

“Hey, lookit’ that guy would you Cindy? His head looks like a grey egg!”

I put down the case full of towel samples and went straight over to him. As I did, I could see it in his eyes– he was chickenshit.

“Say that again, dandelion.”

He paused and then he puffed his chest. “You wanna’ fight mister- you’re going to get killed.”

“Let’s go.”

He threw a wild haymaker that clipped my left shoulder. I threw a quick jab that landed square on the nose. There was a squishy sound and then the blood came running.

“Oh, Brad!” the redhead said.

I started to move in for an uppercut and the next thing I knew, Tibbs’ big body was between us. He was laughing.s-l1600

“HAHAHAHAHA, oh, there’s no need for VIOLENCE!” he boomed. He pushed us each a few steps backward. “HAHAHAHAHA, why anything CAN BE WORKED OUT!”

Suddenly, his face grew somber. “Except during the finality, when you will meet Satan’s pony.”

There was a long pause. I couldn’t make anything of it.

I drove over to the Towels by the Pound shop feeling pretty good. I cracked open a FUN BEER and took the slow way.

The crazy broad was waiting for me along with some delicate-looking dandy. I parked the car up on the side lawn.

“This is Mr. Oakes, our lead salesman,” she said.

The guy had a little limp handshake.

“Whyn’t we go inside?” I said.

“No, no, no, I would prefer to do business right here,” the dandy replied. I didn’t see no merit in it but I held the sample case open for him in the dull sunlight.

“Well, these are certainly inferior,” he said, after fingering a few cuts of towel. “But, I suppose they will do for my project. After all, we’re only building a series of training program food huts.”

“How wonderful,” the old broad said. She was wobbling a little– probably had already tied one on.

“Send along a thousand,” he said. He took an envelope from his inside jacket pocket. It was stuffed with crisp bills.”

“Mr. Oakes will have them sent tomorrow.”

He disappeared. It was just in time. I vomited into some tall grass.

The old broad looked me up and down but didn’t say nothing. Then she peeled off a couple of hundreds.

“Good work, Dick. You can have these as a bonus.”

I pictured a steak dinner at the Murray, couple of more tall boy sixers, maybe a new suit, a little ass. It would be a good night.

“Send them out tomorrow, now. Don’t forget.”

“It’s in the bag.”

I popped another FUN BEER in the car to celebrate.

She was alright, the towels by the pound shop owner.

Categories: Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. Tags: , , , ,
  1. oversion
    July 3, 2016 at 11:34 pm
    Reply

    Seeing my old friend Dick Oak here on wordpress makes it worth it putting up with the crap. And good to know someone’s making a bit of money.

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