Home > Opinions > OPINION: I’m Making that Good Toilet Money

OPINION: I’m Making that Good Toilet Money

By Suzy Sweetly-Services

By Suzy Sweetly-Services

I was reading hieroglyphics that were carved into a broom, out loud and to myself nonchalantly. The floor was filthy but nobody else was going to put the cakes in these urinals. There are just some things that some people aren’t willing to do in this life and that’s where I come in. I’m phenomenal and you know in your gut that it’s true. I suffered injuries on the job, most recently a bruise to the areola. Like everything else, you have to brush it off in order to focus on the bigger picture. Its coloration matched the scrapes on my neck anyway. I’m tougher than I look.

I’m making that good toilet money and everybody knows it. I stay up real late and get up real early and I go to work, like it’s nobody’s business – because it isn’t, nobody keeps these kind of hours. Except when they do. I was cleaning some thrones at the University, around 5AM, when two people walked out of a single stall, pale and wonky-eyed.

“I partied so hard last night,” said one to the other, exhausted.

Suzy's making that good toilet money.

Suzy’s making that good toilet money.

“Yeah, I can see that,” replied the friend looking back towards my fate soon to come.

They proceeded to head to the sinks, holding each other up, slinking slowly past me. I sighed; I moved closer. I gave myself a pep talk and thought of the aphorisms I once wrote on a mirror when I felt like I needed that sort of thing. I thought of my foggy breath creating condensation, my fingers gingerly creating truths across the glass…it was all very zen. I took one last breath and stepped inside. Death itself encapsulated me.

I looked upward and saw a couple of ancient mark-makings, they were crude yet beautiful. One was of a man holding a Reckoner high above his head while standing on a grassy hill. The other was of a four-eyed monster with large genitalia, from both sexes, staring into a handheld mirror – seemingly alarmed and aroused at what it saw, all at once. As I scrubbed the filth away, I continued to look upwards and make up little stories in my head.

Now, I’d love to share these tales with you but I’ve got twenty more stalls to clean.

Tissues N’ Tantrums,


  1. July 14, 2015 at 8:46 am

    Reblogged this on SARAH SAMWAYS and commented:
    “I’m phenomenal and you know in your gut that it’s true.”

  2. Life Lessons Funeral Home
    July 14, 2015 at 8:49 am

    Life is sort of like a toilet. Eventually it will flush. And then you’ll need Life Lessons Funeral Home. Call Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.

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