Snappy Dressing by King Tucker

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Snappy Dressing by King Tucker

July 11, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

King Tucker

The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present a new feature by King Tucker of Hoover Island.

Hoover Island is famous around the world for its nudity. Our culture is primarily nudist. If you were to walk down our broad avenues, you would notice many nude people. You might notice, for instance, giant exposed titties or big hanging dongs. In our culture, this is completely normal, nothing unusual at all.

Upon occasion, however, we do dress. At our annual harvest, for example, my palace is thrown open to all Hooverites and a lavish pumpkin ball is held. It is a grand celebration of yet another success with our pumpkin crop, Hoover Island’s chief export. Our lovely women, their hair coiffed in complicated, intricate waves, grace the palace in their exquisite evening dresses. These are the same women that, perhaps, just a few days before, you saw stark naked, bending down to rummage through a basket of potatoes at the local market. This is our life, our culture.

For the pumpkin ball, I commission a tuxedo in sea foam green with an orange bow-tie (in celebration of our great gourds). I greet each Hooverite and compliment them on their snappy dress. Many of these people I saw completely nude– top to bottom, just a few days prior. I have come to memorize their disrobed haunches as a Lankvillian might memorize a neighborhood street corner. All of this is completely normal. It is our legacy.

I settle the throng with the gentle tinkle of a fork against a glass. And I speak of the pumpkins. “We are dressed tonight to celebrate our great harvest,” I will generally say. Sometimes, I pick up a pumpkin (a little one) and hold it up for everyone to see. The image of the monarch, clad in the finest-tailored suit, is inspiring to the people.

But the next day, we are all nude again. Back are the bare-skinned yams, the pendulous nads right out there like a bunch of worn-out socks. But this is our life. This is Hoover Island.

These are my people.

Further articles by King Tucker will continue in later issues.

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CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

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TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

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