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Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Near the Barrens

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment

By Ric Royer (c/o the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness)
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I came upon two picnic tables filled with snacks and beverages. Removing the shockingly bright pink plastic cover, I find a tray of cheeses covered in bees.

“There are no bees,” I say aloud.

A man appears from behind a fence. “There are no bees,” he assures me. “We’ve got Trisbicuits (editors note: a popular cracker) as well. You can find them in that blue container over there”.

I curse lightly under my breath. Why put a container of cheese on one table and the Trisbicuits completely on another? It’s stupid, it’s poor planning, it’s insensate. I decide then to eat my fill and then overturn both the tables, spilling everything onto the moist grasses.

Someone comes up behind me and touches my shoulder. My mouth is stuffed with cheeses and Trisbicuits and I have always found that this condition makes it hard to turn around. The next thing I know I am being led by this unseen figure into a grassy lowland, across a field covered with giant green tree balls and into a small wooden church of nearly immaculate appearance. I am handed a leaf of corresponding literature.

This church was built for servants but never consecrated. The builder, Ms. H-Jumps, was suddenly beheaded during the First War of the Depths and the building was permanently shut by her grieving staff. It is open now especially for you.

My name was written there but it was horribly misspelled.

I was led to the first pew. I stared at the pulpit. Some large cards and an easel had been placed there. Everything was half-wrapped in flaking brown paper. A small portable radio had been left on the floor– it’s middle had been crushed by something heavy and unforgiving.

I became terribly bored, then horny, then incontinent. Nothing could be done. I waited for a week there but nothing further happened.

I made my way back up the hill and saw the man with the two tables of snacks. I punched him in the face and nicked a tray of bee-covered cheeses. I walked out into the road and eventually accepted a ride with a tiny redhead in a vintage station wagon.

She is driving me back to the barrens.

Categories: 2012-13 Season, Royer's Madcap Experiences Tags: ,