Home > 2012-13 Season > BREAKING: “Inner Hammer” Arrested at Water Park

BREAKING: “Inner Hammer” Arrested at Water Park

By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
Photo on 2011-06-24 at 07.51
File photo

Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” was arrested this morning at the North-Eastern Lankville Water Esplanade. The executive is currently in police custody.

“The Aquatic Managers and their designated staff have the authority to enforce all pool rules,” said water park manager Buddy Saberhagen. “Mr. Hammer was flouting this authority in an unequivocal manner and we felt that the police people had to be called.”

Police or water park officials would not release the particulars of “Inner Hammer’s” offense but witnesses commented on the apparent infractions.

“There’s a clearly printed rule that says that chairs are not permitted within six feet of the pool,” said Outer Lankville resident Tots Zizek, who brought some non-white children to the amusement facility. “This fellow [Inner Hammer] dragged a gigantic couch right up to the edge of the pool and then put up some cones to prevent anyone else from getting near it. He was clearly monopolizing a specific area of the pool and this is also clearly outlawed on the sign.”

“He was wearing a transparent swimsuit,” said another witness. “You could see his penis and his ass.”

The second witness later died when his inner tube suddenly deflated causing massive abdominal injuries.

The Small Pizzas are expected to release a statement later today.

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