Home > 2012-13 Season > Foodstamps’ Tucker Defends Hoover Island Nudity

Foodstamps’ Tucker Defends Hoover Island Nudity

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
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File photo

Some conservative hockey fans are not happy with the strange reports from expansion franchise Aaron Tucker’s Hoover Island. And they’re voicing their opinions.

“He’s weird,” said old and simple Lankville resident Georgia Huffs. “All those people running around in the buff. Men and women. You never saw anything like that back when I was young. People were nice. I don’t know what’s happened.”

“We don’t approve of his lifestyle,” added hockey fan and south Lankville resident Darrell Ott. “We won’t be rooting for his club this season.”

Ott was suddenly taken up by a fervent wind. He disappeared into the clouds.

Foodstamps’ Tucker is aware of the controversy. “I don’t plan to change a thing here on Hoover Island,” he noted. “There is nothing wrong with nudity. It’s as intended. After awhile, you get used to it. You don’t even say to yourself, “Look at that bare ass. Look at that guy’s nuts, anything like that. You just go about your business.”

Tucker noted that nudity is entirely optional and that nude “centers” and “parks” are set up all over the island.

“We have special sections set up in most of our major stores for nudity. There are corrugated walls placed around them to protect innocents. That way, if you go into a store say, just for example, to purchase an unusually high number of frilly, feminine throw pillows, you can either say to yourself, “Ah, I don’t care about seeing tits today or I don’t really want to see tits while I buy these frilly, feminine throw pillows.” You have a choice. We’re all about a choice on Hoover Island. It’s true democracy.”

Tucker would not go so far as to allow nude hockey or nude fans into Hoover Island Recreational Facility (7), the island’s largest arena.

“I would guess we will not have nudity during league games. We can’t have fans from Lankville who are not used to our way of life, watching TV and saying, “Awwww, man. Look at that round ass. Look at those round honkers and that round ass combination.” It would not be becoming of our lifestyle and an insult to our people. I can’t see anyway we could televise our games while keeping the pert titties and low-hanging balls off the screen. It’s just impractical.”

Tucker did concede that nudity in the concourse could be permitted.

The Pondicherry Association draft is scheduled for September 30. The Foodstamps are the second Island franchise in league history.

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