The Ordeal of a Cosmonaut by “Nick”

Home > Ordeal of a Cosmonaut > The Ordeal of a Cosmonaut by “Nick”

The Ordeal of a Cosmonaut by “Nick”

January 9, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

Grievous falsehoods from a piss ant

It has been a week since I crash-landed on Freebis. I have been staying with Gustav (for that is the name of the fat, red-faced man) and have been force-feeding myself candy at every meal. Gustav, in his ever-accommodating fashion, has been trying to serve the candy in ways to simulate the foods of earth– he presented an enormous amount of the sweetmeats in a large salad bowl complete with tongs*. Still, though, I have grown sick at the thought of eating more candy– each meal is now a sort of revolting hell and I fear the moment when I hear the tinkling of the plates and silverware and the sound of the candy being dumped into serving dishes from the kitchenette. Also, I have become addicted to model glue. There are large storage sheds of model glue on Freebis.

I have made a few lonely expeditions outside the pale (Gustav patently refuses to accompany me, though he is generous with directions and information). And I have found mile after mile of unbroken arid lands. Upon occasion, a lone succulent may be found growing but otherwise all is desert.

Except for the mysterious storehouses. I noticed a precision to their appearances and, taking measurements, I found them each to be separated by a half-mile. They are domed-shaped with heavy grey doors– high fences surround them. Gustav has keys to many but not all and he has warned me against illegal entrance, though rather lamely. “They could return,” he notes. “Who?” I ask. He does not answer.

During my first survey of the storehouses, I thought I might lose my faculties. Every heavy door opened to a darkened arena filled to the ceiling with candy. I thought that if I searched deeply, I might find some other more suitable form of sustenance. But there was nothing but candy. The frequency did not vary until I found the storehouse with the model glue. There are two of these.

When my strength returns, I will travel the two hours to the wreckage of my ship. Perhaps I can salvage some parts.

I must return to earth.

*Author’s use of bold. Reasons unclear.

Categories: Ordeal of a Cosmonaut Tags: Lying, The Space Canard

Comments (0) Trackbacks (0) Leave a comment Trackback

No comments yet.

No trackbacks yet.

FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

Test yourself. Take "Lankville in Pieces" apart and see how long it takes you to get it together again. Puzzle pundits will enjoy this breathtaking, colorful 165-piece jigsaw puzzle of Lankville now being offered by The News. It comes assembled, has a plastic, lock-top storage bag, coupons and a portable "lifter" for use on restaurant tables. The puzzle sells for $20 in The News lobby or for $24 to cover postage and handling by electronic snappy mail. Send cash to: Lankville in Pieces, Kiosk 258, The Lankville Daily News, Lankville City, 02416.

TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

© 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News. All material written by Devon Fick unless otherwise indicated. With additional material by David Hadbawnik, Shane Meyer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

	Jade Gorman on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Samways and Fick: Identity…
	oversion on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Bath Times with My Father Gump…
	Life Lessons Funeral… on Son of Tibbs

The Lankville Daily News