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Real Life Cases of the Lankville Police Department

January 10, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
Photo on 2011-06-24 at 07.51
File photo

Young Socquettes worked four months at the Island Maid Bakery before Emms left him alone.  And it was no more than mere moments after Emms’ big Neptune turned the corner and exited the square, that Young Socquettes immediately dropped his trousers and wagged his tiny, flaccid member in the direction of the line of aged housewives waiting their turn for service.

It was Duke Jipps who made the call to Detective Gee-Temple after one of the ladies, flushed and shaking, entered the soda fountain to tell her terrible tale of what had happened next door.

“By the time we arrived, this Socquettes had already locked the door and run off with the days receipts,” noted the intrepid Detective, over a plate of breakfast loaf covered in eggs.  “I called on Deputy Vechenoyer who just got out of the army you may recall.  We went immediately over to this Socquettes’ sponsor, a fellow named Craft.

When the knock came, Craft, a widower, was nearly blinded by migraine.

Detective Gee-Temple in evening dress.

Detective Gee-Temple in evening dress.

He had been sitting at a table in his spartan room, forcing his attention on a Dean T. Pibbs terrorist attack novel.  He had been staring at the same sentence for over ten minutes as though it were some sort of complex cipher, his eyes blurry with ache.  It was at the precise moment of the knock that the meaning of the sentence came to him:  “The terrorists are coming– they are coming in PODS!  

“Well, when this Craft fellow answered the door, Deputy Vechenoyer got all over his case,” stated Detective Gee-Temple, who was attempting to cut into the giant loaf with a wobbly plastic fork.  “Craft cooperated fully, he told us that Young Socquettes should be at the bakery.  We told him what Young Socquettes had done and this Craft urinated a little– you could see a sudden wet spot appear at the crotch of his yellow shorts and then he told us that this Young Socquettes liked to spend time in the weedy area behind Pineapple City.  Pineapple City, as you know, is a cult.  We’ve always been suspicious of them.”

“I knew the path that Creft [sic] was talking about,” noted Deputy Vechenoyer, who was interviewed coming out of a motel room despite the fact that he was known to own a home only a few miles away.  “Back when I was in The Camp Fire Chums, we had a Den Father who liked to lead us on hikes to that same weedy area in back of Pineapple City.  I knew I could find it again.”  A nearby phone booth was suddenly swallowed by the earth and an enormous smiling stuffed bear appeared in its place.  “Huh.  Would you look at that?” noted Deputy Vechenoyer.

Just before dusk, Gee-Temple and Vechenoyer entered the woods at the edge of town near a stretch of deserted country highway.  The path led out into a series of progressively larger clearings and the evening express could be heard distantly.  In one clearing, the officers found a recently-extinguished fire and there was a tiny green pup tent which was found to contain a box of colorless condiments, a wig,  and a pair of wet plastic tongs.  The officers decided to keep going.

It was another fifteen minutes, through thick underbrush, when the officers finally crossed the tracks and found themselves in back of Pineapple City.  There was a large fence, ringed with razor wire, all around the mysterious compound.

“We found a sewer entrance and on top of this, we believe Young Socquettes had laid a few personal items,” noted Gee-Temple.  “We found a wallet that contained some foreign money and a little orange tiger that you could open up and put things in.  But there was nothing inside the tiger.  The tiger actually broke into two because the hinges were rather, shall we say cheap.  So, we laid part of the tiger…

We asked Gee-Temple to stop talking about the tiger.

“Well, it was then that we heard it.  It came from Pineapple City.  There was a watchtower lined with windows, they were all dark but the noise was coming from there.  I haven’t a doubt in my mind.  It was a lurking, building scream.  It was damn near the most demented thing I ever heard.”

Gee-Temple paused to cry.  We kicked him in the shin and he continued.

“Well, there was this eldritch wind that came up.  It started to take away Deputy Vechenoyer but I grabbed him and held him down.  Somehow, I knew we had to face the watchtower, that we could not look away from it and I told the Deputy so.  A searchlight came on and swept over our faces.  We stared it down.  We endured the rain, the fog and that sound, that sound from hell.  And just like that it ceased.”

The officers made it back to their prowler just as the last patch of light could be seen in the west.  Young Socquettes was never found.

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