Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Cannibal of Orion

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Cannibal of Orion

By Ric Royer

By Ric Royer

I sat in the Jew’s cluttered second-floor office above a furniture store. He threw a plane ticket at me.

“Go down to this place, Orion,” he said, as he sipped loudly from a desk-sized barrel of soda. “They got a lot of these big bovine girls down there. These big, dumb, cow-eyed girls that’ll do anything for a buck. Take a camera.”

I spit on his floor upon leaving. I knew the Jew hated that.

Orion International “Friends” Airport was a dot on the map. There was a little restaurant that served me an absolutely deplorable meal of boiled chicken, toast and a plate of mysterious peanuts. It was all they had.

I left no tip.

I drove on out to Dr. Coombs’ house where I’d be staying for a few weeks. He had a dilapidated mansion on the outskirts of town, encircled by a dense grove of dying fruit trees. There was an office on the first floor and a small waiting room. There was a secretary at a desk filling out forms.

I waited awhile. There were a couple of old magazines, a paperback called Demon Experiences of Many Lands and an asinine little book of proverbs. Finally, the frosted glass office door opened up and a man wearing a giant orthopedic shoe walked out. I laughed loudly, suddenly. The man sauntered off.

Dr. Coombs invited me into the office. It was paneled in ersatz wood.

Orion is known for its lovely park. But they also had a cannibal there.

Orion is known for its lovely park. But they also had a cannibal there.

“Would you like an examination for free?” he asked, strangely.

“Skip it.”

“What will you be doing here in our little town?” he asked, after offering me a chair.

“Just checking out the local talent. Maybe do a few spreads for a magazine up north.”

He leaned back reflectively. “We value our women here, Mr. Pantwheat (that was the fake name I had given him). I should warn you that there will be many an angry father, many an angry sensuous lover after you if you try to perpetrate such a scheme.”

“I’ll take my chances.” I almost added “asshole” at the end but decided against it.

“Alright. You’ve been warned.”

We were nearly to the office door (indeed, the doctor had turned the knob and cracked it slightly) when he suddenly closed it and led me over to the window. He looked about surreptitiously.

“I should tell you that there is a cannibal on the loose in Orion.”


“There’s a cannibal loose. It’s kind of being kept a secret, however, so don’t say anything.”

And with that, I was ushered up to my room.

It was on the second floor and towards the back, overlooking part of the dying grove and part of an enclosed patio that appeared to have been sans rumpus for quite some time. The wood benches were shockingly grey with age and the small charcoal grill had been overturned and left to rust in a small chasm filled with impure rainwater.

I had only a moment then to take stock of the room. There was an unassuming bureau topped with a lace throw and a bed a little on the smallish side for my liking, particularly if I planned (as I did) on rumpling some local heinie. Then, suddenly, I had little time for such thoughts.

There was a disturbance below, then another. Then a deep concussion seemed to wallop the entire structure. I heard two distinct screams– one from Dr. Coombs and another, a female, possibly the secretary. Then there was the sound of something being splattered about followed by an ungodly howl. There was a brief moment of silence as I knelt beside the bed and then, the sound of a chainsaw started up.

I moved to the window but could not budge the ancient sash. The other window was stuck fast too. There were no other options. I tossed a small chair through one and the sound of shattering glass came at the exact moment of a lull in the noise of the chainsaw. I stepped out onto the roof to the sound of heavy footfall.

I dropped down the metal gutter, chocked with debris and took off towards the grove. I looked back once and it was then that I saw that eldritch presence looking through the broken window, the chainsaw by its side.

I knew then that if I didn’t make it out of Orion, I too would be eaten.

  1. Mikhail Goberman
    June 5, 2014 at 1:55 pm


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