Museum Heist Nets Treasured Masterpiece
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES!
In news unfolding early this morning, Lankville police have announced that a daring overnight museum heist has netted thieves the nation’s most valuable painting. Law enforcement officials are currently viewing surveillance footage from the Lankville Museum of Art but have no leads.
The painting, “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion” by modernist master Linda Ten Boom (1919-1962), depicts a kitten and a basketball. It has been viewed by countless Lankvillians and is valued at over $100 million.
Detail from Ten Boom’s “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion”.
“It’s a dark day for art lovers,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “We believe that this heinous crime was carried out by some daring thieves as security is present everywhere in and around the museum,” added Gee-Temple, who asked that anyone with any information should contact him today between 12:30-2PM.
Art critic and historian BoVon Hayes, interviewed this morning while eating some bagels in a parking lot, was stunned by the theft.
“Ten Boom was a Lankville master and Crucifixion is her dies irae. A visual expression of her deep feelings about Lankville society in that time period. It is instantly recognizable.”
Police stated that no witnesses have stepped forward.
“We are hoping for something on the tapes,” added Gee-Temple, who seemed visibly shaken. “Unfortunately, many of the cameras were not positioned properly– were turned towards bathrooms or pointless alcoves or corners, away from any action that might have occurred on the floor. We’ll hope for some fingerprint, some fiber, something.”
An update is expected later this afternoon.
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I used to work at this museum, many years ago as the admissions cashier, and let tell you, they had like twenty of those basketball-kitty joints in a pile in the basement. I heard that Ten Boom lady used a show up with another one every time she needed a perm. And I remember when that poof BoVon used ta sell fried perogies at the flea market.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure she’s the same chick who made a hundred copies of blank pages (save for a black border around the edges) and left them out in a pile for museum-goers to grab as they entered the bathroom. She called it “participatory art” or something… It’s all Korean to me.